I desperately need a end a friendship.

[YesAnastasia]

I don't want to be friends with someone anymore. We've known each other 20+ years but I don't know how it's been that long. She's a narcissist, has drug & alcohol problems, mental health problems, massive entitlement issues & I don't like spending time with her. Drama, drama, drama.

Believe me I have tried to be kind, I have tried to help & at one point I let her problems take priority over my own family. No more. I don't help her with her problems, I only 'help' her by looking after her children all the time, lending her money and listening to her lie talk for hours on end about herself.

I have managed to avoid her for a few months saying I've been a bit depressed etc but now she's contacting my family saying she's worried about me, which is a lie just so she can mither the life out of us.

I need to do or say something to get rid of her without being really nasty or getting into a truthful heart to heart where she can guilt me or convince me otherwise. I can't just ignore her, she either won't take the hint or won't let me stop being her friend.

What can I do? Please help.

Can you stop making yourself available to look after her children, & lending her money? Spend some time thinking about how interactions with her typically play out, and come up with some responses that end up with you not sucked in.
Have you briefed your family on your changed approach, so they can deflect her when she starts the 'I'm worried about Anastasia' thing?

I'd be tempted to write her a letter or email. Keep it short and focus on how you feel rather than a character assassination on her (although I can see how latter would be tempting - she sounds like a nightmare). You could save her feelings by saying you have very little free time at the moment but I fear she might just try and ignore that. Do you have mutual friends? If so how do they feel?

Why are you looking after her children all the time?

Practise the following...

"Sorry I'm all out of cash myself this month, maybe after payday"

"Sorry I've got to buy a new this month, maybe next month"

"Sorry I can't look after this week I have a tummy bug, next week's going to be a bit difficult too due to needing my help that week"

... and keep going until she gets the hint

Or if you really really never want to speak to her again JUST TELL HER!

she's taking the piss!

*insert

Don't contact her, and don't answer her calls and messages.
When she sends intermediaries, cut them off and swiftly change the topic: "I don't want to discuss ex-friend. So, how's your family/hobby/job…?"

She won't "get" anything you try to say to her, so just end your involvement in this relationship and insulate yourself from her.

oh and respond to your family with "just ignore her she's having a few problems herself, I'm trying to avoid her"

Once you stop babysitting and dishing out cash she will drop you op. I have a friend a bit like this, as soon as I withdraw attention she moves to someone else we didn't officially fall out just drifted when I stopped the support.

Send her a kind but firm email. Tell her you've helped as much as possible, but can't help any more as you need to put yourself and your own family first. Tell her you wish her well, and hope she's able to pull her life back together, but that you have done enough. Ask her not to contact you again, but that you'll contact her in the future if and when you feel able to do so.

It'll be a bit of a shock, but will hopefully get the message across. I'm not sure she'll take a hint otherwise; you'll have to be direct with her.

Do you have any mutual friends? What's their take on it?

Oops, sparkle cross post.

I'm so slow!

Chances are if you stop 'doing' for her she'll fade away on her own. As soon as she realizes you aren't watching her kids, loaning her money, listening to her kvetch, etc and are blocking her attempts at third party contact by telling mutual friends you don't want to be involved with her, she'll find someone else who will. People like her want a 'willing victim' not one who makes it hard for them to take advantage.

I look after her children because she's a single mum & her parents aren't here. Plus she's a mess so often 'isn't well'. I have dodged that too recently but it's been the holidays & DH has been here, she usually doesn't bother me as much when he's here.

Yes walkacross my family know her of old. They have been telling me to cut ties for a while but we're all too polite to say 'Go away!' And for a time I thought I was helping & I felt sorry for her.

That's what I do already gorgeous I need a harsher line I think.

Actually, I think my brother might've the other night when she turned up at his flat steaming drunk... she's telling them not to tell me that she's been in touch. I texted her earlier & told her I'm not feeling sociable and to please leave my family out of it.

By saying this, I'm prolonging it & she stays in my life. I don't want to write to her because it will cause drama. In fact nothing I do can avoid drama.

No we don't have mutual friends because she doesn't have any friends anymore. Just me.

I wouldn't send her an email or letter officially ending the friendship... narcissists have much more appetite for drama than most people and it could backfire on you if she becomes totally hysterical and rings up everyone you know.

Instead you could tell her that unfortunately you can't help her with childcare or money any more... hopefully that will get rid of her. If not just keep being vague about meeting up and hopefully she'll lose interest.

I think you have to accept one final drama then be done with her. Block her number / email address.

Just blank her ruthlessly. Don't worry about the mutual friends, if they have anything to say, let them look after her kids etc.

They won't by the way. They'll have clocked long ago that she's a vampire and are probably standing back letting you take one for the team. You won't see any volunteers, believe me.

She's going to take offence, you can't avoid that. Let her, you just avoid and blank her.

I agree with Lois. When you're no longer of use to her she'll drop you!

It sounds like it's become a habit for her to lean on you and need to break the habit now. Change your responses...

Just keep saying "No." Polite but firm.
"No, I'm sorry but I just can't afford to lend you any money at the moment." You don't have to explain why.
"No, sorry I can't look after x today/tomorrow/next week." Again, no need to explain - she's a friend, not your boss and what you do with your time isn't any of her business if you choose not to tell her.
When she rings apologise for not being able to chat but you're driving/getting in the bath/have a headache/watching a DVD/doing some work.

She'll eventually get used to you not being there to pick up the pieces and either replace you or learn to stand on her own two feet. Whichever, she isn't your responsibility. You've been a food friend but friendship is a two way street.

*Good friend, not food friend!

'I can't just ignore her, she either won't take the hint or won't let me stop being her friend.'

Yes, you can. Stop doing it. No excuses, just 'No, I can't.' Over and over and over. Stop being such a wet lettuce, and as for her kids, report her to SS. She rings you or shows up drunk or high, fobbing off her kids, you call the fucking police.

To avoid fuss and drama always say 'sorry I can't I'm busy, I've got a lot on at the minute'

She will eventually get the message and leave you alone. She might try occasional contact after that and you should just reply with the same message.

OP she sounds a lot like someone i know. Her name doesnt begin with H does it? ;-)

I have just had a friends cull (people who were nowhere to be seen when i was verging on suicidal and going through the worst time of my life). I just cut them - blocked and deleted on my phone. 1 of them has called me on it and i told her straight up that i didnt want to be friends any more and the reasons why. The other 2 have just disappeared which proves they didnt really care that much in the first place.

Good luck. A friendship is 2 ways and if its not making you feel good then get rid. I would suggest making yourself unavailable but if she ultimately calls you out on it then just tell her. At least she might learn to modify her behaviour for her other friends.

I had an acquaintance who was similar but not as bad. Basically she was the mum of one of Ds's pals. The boys played together sometimes. That was as far as our relationship went. But she asked me and another mum for loans, never paid us back, started taking advantage, getting us to take her boy after school etc. I did a bit of digging around and found she was into bother with loan sharks and drugs.

I started making excuses though would never see her boy stuck if it wasn't putting me out. When she asked me for money again a simple sorry but no seemed to do the trick. No explanation or anything.
Sometimes keeping it simple and play on repeat works best. Good luck, she sounds a nightmare.
To end on a plus point. After this woman hit rock bottom she picked herself up, and is now doing a degree at uni. Hopefully she's back on tracks but I still keep my distance and would never lend her money again

I think you have to accept one final drama then be done with her. Block her number / email address.

I think you're right Sparkletastic I need some time to emotionally armour up first. Sigh.

No, Elsebelle it doesn't I think a lot of people have one of these in their lives at one point or other. Anyway, well done for your cull, that's brave... and wise.

Hi Anastasia,

Just thought I'd lend some support, as I'm also in the process of extricating myself from a friendship of 25 years.

I'm for Elsabelle's approach - be busy and unavailable and if she doesn't take the hint, be honest with her, because at least then you have tried to let her down gently.

I had allowed myself for years to be bullied and dictated to by my friend. I struggle with self-esteem and didn't question her friendship, even though as the years went by, mutual friends all fell out with her.

I felt very panicked at the beginning when I contemplated cutting her off. First, because I dreaded the thought of confronting her and, second, because I felt guilty, as she had helped me in concrete ways just before I cut contact with her. Help which, however, did not make up for years of bad behaviour and which I had not asked for.

What I've learnt in these situations is that the fear is worse than the reality. I, too, was convinced she would not take the hint - as she is so determined and forceful - but I think she has.

I thought long and hard about how to end our association, but knew that telling her outright would lead to an argument and I would end up being the wrong one. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, despite everything.

I was simply "busy" every time she texted. When she called I didn't pick up but would text her a couple of days later saying I was busy. The only excuse I've ever given her is that I'm "busy". I've had to do this over and over again, like a broken record, but finally the calls and texts have stopped.

She hasn't asked me why, but if she does, I will be honest with her.

If you are busy and unavailable, there is nothing your friend can do about it. Likewise, the next time she asks to borrow money, just say, "Sorry but I can't, I can't afford it" (because you can't - you have your own family to think of).

Good luck and try not to worry about this too much because it may not turn out as badly as you fear.

Hard decision, takes courage You are busy or just ignore her when she contacts you.

Will she turn up at your house?

I had a friend a bit like this. Past tense.

We met maybe six years ago? Became fast friends, socialised together, kids played with each other - all fine. But her and her dp went on this massive downward spiral really quickly and they seemed determined I be the one to put them back together again. They randomly moved out of their lovey rented accommodation to this piece of shit council flat in a really rough area (HA covered their private rent pretty much in full, so there was no reason to move) and things just got worse and worse. She started popping out kids left, right and center and expecting everybody else to raise them, he was always 'working', their home was/is kept vile, the kids were always filthy, never any decent food in the house but they both always had brand new phones and a lovely big 50 inch plasma Their priorities were/are just completely fucked up.

My breaking point came when he showed up at my door and asked me if I could go look after her because she was ill - he "had to go to work". I stupidly agreed and ended up calling social services. Her youngest had been left in his cot in a freezing cold bedroom (no heating on in the middle of winter) all night, no clothes on and he had pulled his filthy nappy off and smeared it all over himself and the bedroom walls. It was around 11am and he hadn't been fed or even looked at since the night before. None of her older children were at school - they were all in the PJ's scouring the bare kitchen cupboards for food. The house looked like it had been burgled. There were no clean clothes or dishes in sight. The two house cats were evidently starving and their litter tray hadn't been changed in I hate to think how long - I can't even begin to describe the smell. Meanwhile she's lying on the sofa under a load of blankets feeling sorry for herself and checking Facebook on her new Blackberry.

I spent the next four hours getting all the children bathed, dressed and the older ones off to school, doing multiple loads of washing/drying, cleaning all the dishes, scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom spotless, clearing out the cat litter, scrubbing shit off her baby's walls with a scourer and popping to the shops for some food, baby milk, toilet paper and cat food. I managed to get all the children's bedding washed, dried and put back onto mattresses that smelled like stale urine, but at least the bedding was clean and would've keep them warm that night. I sorted out all the children's clothes - folded/arranged/put everything away in drawers and tidied the toys away. I hoovered and mopped all the floors, opened windows to try and get the smell of cat piss out and then went and collected her children from school. I had to arrange for a friend of mine to collect my dd and look after her for a while as I refused to take her to that house with me. I made all the children dinner, cleared up after they had finished and waited for the DP to arrive home. I did all of this while she stayed on the sofa watching TV/checking FB.

Her DP came home, walked into the kitchen with the biggest smug look on his face, commented on how good the flat looked and then had the cheek to ask if there was any dinner left for him to eat.

I walked past him, left their house and called social services on the walk home. I spent the rest of the night in floods of tears thinking about the state those poor children were in and giving my dd lots of cuddles. It took several months of ignoring them before they fucked off out my life for good and the last I heard, SS were involved with them. I've never regretted my decision and I stand by it.

My advice? Ignore her. She'll soon go away when the willing help isn't available anymore. She'll try to find somebody else to leech off instead.