When you want to move your LTR to the next stage and he doesn't ...

[Narniac]

I have been seeing someone for a couple of years now - since May 2012 - both 45, never married, I have primary age children, he has none, he stays at mine Saturday nights for the last couple of years.

My children don't see their father so I have them constantly, occasionally my Mum may babysit or do a overnight babysit.
Most 'dates' are spent doing stuff with the children and my boyfriend has mentioned this in a manner that suggests he's getting fed up with it now.

He's also said that my 5 year old son needs to stop barging into our bedroom when he stays otherwise he doesn't think he can stay anymore.
My son is going through a developmental stage at the moment where he's testing out his independance I think - his sister went through the same about that age - he's moving from being a clingy mummy's boy to a more independant young boy.

I've tried explaining this to my boyfriend but he seems convinced my son is manipulating me (of course, children are capable of that, I know, it's normal enough) but keeps saying my son is pushing him out, or being deliberately antagonistic because he feels threatened by him.
I'm convinced it's just a stage he's going through. So we have a difference of opinion here.

My son has known him since a baby. They both call him Daddy of their own choosing, as in all respects he acts like a father, treats them accordingly, takes us places together as a family and so on.
They do also make the distinction between him and their bio father who they haven't seen or heard from in 3.5 years.

My boyfriend had an unpleasant, abusive experience with his stepfather when he was a toddler and he does refer to this when discussing my son, his stepfather thought he was being too clingy with his mother and used to physically haul him off her and threaten him. That's my boyfriend's experience of stepfathers.

He has also been a stepfather himself for 15 years, where he went into a relationship with a woman who already had two teenagers, neither of which accepted him as a stepdad but were happy to utilise him practically.

So,...he hasn't had a lovely time in this arena as you can see.

I'm not looking for a deconstruction of him, as he is a universally perceived good man, and we have been through a couple of trying times together such as miscarriage and heart attack (neither of which necessarily brought us any closer together I don't feel :/ ) but your opinion on whether this relationship is being over- invested by myself really. I had asked him what he thought about living together, but he explained his lifestyle was 'ideal' at the moment (he has a bachelor pad - a term he considers derogatory but I don't - with the whole Xbox, giant tv, adjacent workshop, etc) and he rarely sees me in the week, maybe to meet up for coffee, and always stays Saturday from about 8pm then goes back Sunday about 6pm.

We rarely phone eachother, just text. And today for instance, we'd arranged to go out somewhere together but it's afternoon now and I still haven't heard from him. If I text him I know he will reply with 'I was waiting to hear from you' but he's already complained he feels like a taxi driver, so my contacting him to ask we are ready to go, are you? Feels like I'm calling a cab..

Because we rarely see eachother, he doesn't seem to want to stay more than 1 or 2 nights at most, the problems he perceives with my son, the poor communication, that he's turned down the idea of living together, ... this relationship is petering out, isn't it?

He's also been telling me lately about a teenager who has a crush on him through his work. He only mentions it in a bantery sort of way, but why? Is he trying to test my resolve or something?

He's a lovely man and I love him dearly, but this doesn't feel like a grown up relationship, it feels like dating in my Twenties. I suppose I've reached a point where I want to move things up a gear, but he doesn't, so how do I progress from here?

That's sad OP but what sort of father figure would only turn up one night a week and not let little ds into the bedroom
Take some time to think about why you think this is all you and dcs deserve, because it isn't. Being on your own is far preferable tbh, and then when you meet the next partner set your standards high

It's funny because he's reacting similarly to his stepfather. He thinks your son is pushing him out, which he is not. He is the one who feels threatened by your son and he's testing your loyalty to him by saying he won't stay if you don't get your son to behave how he likes.

My impression of an insecure, distant man who has no idea how to deal with children. I don't think he has problems being a stepfather because the previous teenagers didn't accept him, I think they didn't accept him because he has problems being a stepfather.

He's doing you a favour by stalling, you and your children can do so much better.

^ is

It does look that way, doesn't it.

Time for a talk perhaps? Lay it out there. Ask him where he wants to be in a year. Are you (and your children) in the picture?

Sorry, I wouldn't be happy at all with his advice on how to parent my five year old if I were you. And I'd be telling him to get stuffed if he expected me to ban him from my room.

Twinklestein that's an interesting viewpoint. I hadn't considered that before.

I would either break up with him, or ask him to listen and lay it all out quite baldly and say it isn't fair to keep on doing this, for your children to think they have a father, if in fact the man you're dating is never intending to be more than a Sunday boyfriend.

Oh yes, I think Twinklestein is spot on. This thing about adults being offended because of the way children (or teenagers, OK, still not fully emotionally mature adults) behave towards them - it's silly. Children and teenagers behave in emotionally immature ways. There's nothing to read into it. It's the adult in the situation's job to look past that and love them (or at least treat them fairly) anyway. Effectively punishing them for expressing their feelings is not on.

If he's living with you then yes he should expect some input into parenting, but it shouldn't feel like a battleground in this way. And for 2.5 years then it should really still be tentative on his part with you being mum. I've been with DH for 4 years and he does now have equal input into discipline/parenting etc but there was a long period where we were working it out and he wouldn't have put anything forward that I didn't agree with - in fact, he did on occasion, but it was always a suggestion rather than a "You have to do this or I'm off". (Which is controlling in the extreme anyway, although it's fine for him to say "I'm finding X's behaviour so difficult to cope with I don't think I can stay in this relationship if it continues".)

Statistically, a stepfather is the most dangerous person you can have around your child. They are responsible for the majority of child abuse cases in every single category. We need to be so, so careful. There's been a narrative for so long - I am totally not blaming you here, Narniac, I can see your reasons for believing the relationship was solid were sound - we are always told that men find it hard to love another man's children, and we should be grateful if he tolerates them. Totally not true. There are accounts of men being loving adoptive or surrogate parents for generations. It's just about finding the right fit. Someone caring, unselfish, who likes your family for who they are.

We are told (not just for stepfather type relationships but all relationships) that we should make allowances for people's pasts, even if that means they are harming or hurting us. But they can't help it, they don't know. No. Please scratch this immediately. Of course it's not somebody's fault if they are damaged by their childhood or other past experience - but it is their responsibility to make sure that this damage does not in turn hurt others. It is not your or your children's cross to bear. If somebody is causing harm to others, no matter how slight, because of their own previous bad experiences they need to seek professional help for that. Somebody as close as a romantic partner can't help, professionals can.

When you are a single parent and you meet a new partner, you need to remember that past that initial period where they haven't met the children (and even to some extent during that - green flags, are they showing interest, are they understanding of issues relating to lone parenting, are they sympathetic to worries/stresses you have relating to the children, are they including the children in future plans for the relationship) that they are not only entering into a relationship with you but with your children as well. It is almost more important that they genuinely like the children than it is that they genuinely like you. Children place a huge deal of importance on the adults around them - if the adults do not share that sense that the children are important, then it's seriously going to rock their own self image and sense of who they are.

Just be careful, Narniac. You sound really switched on and I'm sure you'll do right by your DC and yourself too. It's so so easy to fall into the trap of thinking everything is going well when it's really a lie. You've just had different ideas of what the relationship is, is all. And it might be that his issues are too hard for him to overcome. I don't think it means you should never date again either - just if you do meet someone else, you'll be more aware of the smaller interactions between him and your DC and you'll be more aware of the long term implications. :)

Thankyou so far everyone for taking the time to comment.