Sharing out the household tasks - does this sound about right to you?

[Chillibox]

DH and I are fairly lazy laid-back about the household tasks, but I'm wondering if we have a fair balance and would like your opinions.

I work, DH is job hunting, no kids.

DH does most of the food shopping during the week and then we go together for a big shop at the weekend.
I do all the laundry and dusting and he does most of the cooking.
We share the washing up.
We share the hoovering.
DH won't touch the bathroom so I end up doing it.
I do most of the de cluttering unless I nag DH.

I am immensely thankful that he's willing to cook, as it really tires me, and I don't mind doing the bulk of the cleaning. However does this sound like the most efficient way of splitting the tasks? Our place is still quite messy despite me cleaning every weekend and de cluttering every day, and the kitchen is a disgrace because of his cooking paraphernalia!

There's really no right answer. If it works for you, if the effort is equal and you have similar leisure time then it's probably OK. AlI l would say to you is to move away from words like 'thankful'. It's important to show each other appreciation for the things you do.... everyone likes to be acknowledged. ... but don't go overboard with the gratitude. He's not doing you a big favour. You both live there, stuff has to be done, everyone should pull their weight.

BTW.... messy cooks have to clear up after themselves. He's not Gordon Ramsay with a fleet of minions clearing up after him....

Also, don't use the word 'nag'.

Do you have equal amounts of leisure time?

What is he doing when you're doing housework? What are you doing when he is doing housework?

Of course, if the end product of this job sharing schedule is thst you still have a messy house when there are only two people in it then you've probably not hit on the right answer. :)

Here's how it works around here with me and 14yo DS. We get an online shop once a week and we have a cleaner comes for three hours a week to give the place a thorough blitz. I'm responsible for most of the cooking, DS covers off recycling and general rubbish handling. Both of us are responsible for ongoing stuff like clearing up after ourselves, dealing with laundry, keeping rooms tidy, feeding the cat etc.

No, I don't think that's a fair distribution of tasks. It would be barely fair if both of you were working full time. If this is the split when he is at home all day I dread to think what it's like when he's working.

If you had children and he was doing childcare in the day then I'd say differently. But as it stands, that's not the case. Job hunting is soul destroying, but you have the luxury of fitting it in with what else needs doing. There is PLENTY of time to do small chores every day to reflect the fact you can't contribute in other areas right now. Do you guys live in an enormous house? That does make things take much longer.

We are in the same situation as you (reversed), and I don't think genders are relevant. It's about the fact that one person is at home all day (without children), and one person is at work all day.

My partner works pretty long hours, and tends to get home between 2000 and 2100 each day. On the chores:

• I do all the laundry. If partner is at home, he will often go and pick it up from the dryers, or help me carry it over (we don't have a dryer in the house). This is offered by him, not me asking. If I do it during the day then I do it all myself. I hate laundry and the dryers are expensive, so I tend to do it en masse once a fortnight. Partner will let me know if he is getting desperate for pants, but otherwise never "nags" me to do it in any way shape or form.

• I do all the cooking and washing up. Both of us set and clear the table together. Partner asks pretty much without fail if I want help with the washing up and I say no. He often offers to help with cooking, but I'm a better cook, and it's faster without him helping! He only gets very limited time at home and I prefer him to be able to relax.

• Partner always takes down the bins (glass, waste and recycling) and replaces the liner. They are heavy and he is stronger than me.

• I do all the cleaning in the flat, but admittedly our flat is very small. I do things as needed, to avoid having to do a really big job less often (like I do with the laundry). The flat is rarely spotless, but rarely a total tip. It's normally in a condition that I'd be happy (but not super proud) for people to visit and that's it.

• I do all the food shopping during the week because it's less busy and I like to plan what I'm cooking. Partner will go at the weekends if there's something we need or if we've run out of something unexpectedly.

Your partner seems to be doing the absolute bare minimum, and you are certainly doing more than him when you factor in that you work full time as well. If your partner wants to USE the bathroom then he has to be prepared to fucking clean it as well. He isn't royalty. I find it disgustingly precious that he isn't willing to "lower himself" by cleaning a bathroom he uses.

Likewise, why on earth are you sharing the hoovering? Why can't he run a hoover around during the day?

Look, your partner does need time to look for work, do applications, etc. But he can easily get up, do the washing up from last night, then make a coffee and sit at the computer. Then get up after a few hours and shove some clothes in the laundry. Then go for a run, or do the food shop, or whatever, and shove the clothes into the dryer (or hang them up) when he gets back. Then do more work for a bit. Then shove his earphones in and run a hoover around. Look, even doing everything I've set out above I still end up with more leisure time than I need.

I don't believe for a second that he doesn't take loads of breaks during the day do look at stuff on youtube, or facebook, or whatever else.

PS, Before anyone makes any stepford wife comments - As I said, I'm not working right now and we have no children yet. If the situation were reversed I would expect the same from my partner. If we were both working then no way in hell would I do this much!

I work on the basis that the time and effort working, be that paid at work or unpaid at home, works out equally so both have equal leisure time.

My DH may be out all day at 'at work, but he's not always working! That's why intensity of work comes in, not just time out the house.

I have to say that I disagree - I've worked full time and I've been at home full time. Even having chores to do at home is infinitely more relaxing than being at work. There's nothing to compare between being able to eat your lunch with the tv on, or listening to the radio, and eating in the canteen with half an eye on the clock, chatting to friends and having to field people coming up to ask about some meeting later that day.

That's if you're lucky enough to get a lunch break, and not stuck at your desk eating your sandwich whilst still trawling through e-mails.

Likewise, a "break" at work might be checking the bbc website for 15 minutes. A break at home can be getting back into bed and having a 15 minute snooze.

Even when you get a break at work you're still surrounded with colleagues most of the time, and have to be in work mode. That or when you do finally manage to relax, the break's over and it's time to get back to work. When you're at home, if you decide to take an extra half an hour and do a bit more later instead, or hell, just do it tomorrow, you're not going to get in trouble over it.

I was thinking similar to Kay. Whoever has been at home has had a lot less work to fill the hours than the person out at work.

Threads like this make me so very, very grateful for my relationship. Both of us make a real effort to get on with chores so that we all get to relax as a family by the time the last one of us is in.

Exactly the point I was making kay.

For you that's what it's like, for others (inc my DH) it isn't always.

That's why I advocate a time and effort approach. It's not right just to compare time spent.

When I was employed, my job was quality and compliance (code for customer complaints and indentifying wrong doing or training issues and raising these). It was stressful. Worth more far more hours than the equivilent time in the less intensive job my DH had at that time.

A little common sense dictates what's fair.

It's up to each couple to decide for themselves.

But how does it work Joy you both get home and the hoovering needs doing. Do you say, "I'm going to put my feet up and you need to hoover because my job's more stressful than yours"?

First, the hoovering is never that important!

Joking aside though, when the last person gets in the first thing we do is to hug in the kitchen and a brief chat about our days. It's not too much of a surprise as we've usually called to say we're on our way home (traffic is horrendous so commutes are at least 45mins at best) and you get a feel from that the kind of day each other has had.

If the last person to get in has had a shit day they then say they are going upstairs to chill out will have a lovely hot shower to destress then may additionally need a lay on the bed with the cats. The first person in would already have been able to do this if they've needed to. When they come down, they get extra hugs and smiles a care and attention and know they can expect the same when they need it. It's ok for one to have had a shitter day than the other.

I think the key here is that we both respect each other enough that if the other needs to have some down time, they get it when they need it and it's not a ploy because they are lazy.

Joysmum - I agree that's a good way to do it, but I can't imagine it working for many couples. It's a system that would be very easy to abuse, and brings in a competitive element that be difficult to navigate. It's great that it works for you though.

I guess my thoughts are that your point would make more sense if both the OP and her partner were working - I don't see how pushing a hoover around whilst listening to Metallica or whatever could possibly count as stress when you're at home all day! Don't you think that her partner is taking the piss???

Also worth factoring in that when you're not working (or even working from home) you don't have the hell of commuting. So that's already 1-2 hours of additional stress right there!

Housework should be shared. Whoever has most time should do the bulk.

But what about the housework Joy? How do you and your partner agree that you work harder than him, albeit for the same hours, so he needs to do more of the housework than you?

Don't food shop through the week AND do a big weekend shop do one or the other.