Is this some kind of abuse?

[Wtfisthisallabout]

Hi name changed for this going to try not to make this too long

Basically I'm very academically intelligent although common sense is usually lost on me . After some mental health issues in my teens and an unplanned pregnancy at 18 I never completed any further qualifications just GCSE's.
Anyway after having a few low paid part time jobs over the last 3 years retail, admin ect I'm taking a year out of work to focus on my son who is autistic (we have a move coming up and transition to school which is going to make this year difficult at best).

Due to my ds DLA and my carers allowance I will have to get a job in 2 years,with the way he's progressing he will not be entitled by that time which is amazing but presents me with the dilemma of what to do next.

I decided I wanted to go back to college/ possibly uni to train to be some sort of school councillor (have to look more into this) but there seems to be a lot of part time school hour jobs in this area with double the pay of what I have previously earned, which would also work out great with ds. I understand these kind of jobs take a while to find.

So quite excitedly told my DP that I'm looking into this and he completely flipped on my saying he's tiered of entertaining my ideas and that I can't hold down a job etc. He then said HES not paying for me to get some qualifications I'm never going to do anything with and tried to end the conversation.

I ignored him for the rest of the night he then came and said he was sorry for offending me but is entitled to his opinion. I told him he had really upset me, I can understand his concerns but he needs to change the way he treats me.

I then found myself looking at courses thinking I'll just do it an not tell him then I got a de ja vu feeling of the way I used to hide things in a previous abusive relationship and it scared me a little.

To be clear DP has never been abusive or jealous before, we have shared finances and no trust issues this has taken me completely by surprise. I know I need to talk to him about it but I can see it all ending with me saying 'I am doing this, if you don't want to support me you know where the door is' but I think maybe I'm creating to much of an issue because of my previous relationship.

Any advice on how to deal with this will be greatly appreciated

Oh dear I've written a bloody essay (haha uni doesn't seem so daunting now)

Sorry, I am missing why he thinks you can't hold down a job?

And yes, it is pretty abusive to tell someone they are pretty much only there to be in the home serving them.

How long have you been together?

Can you show him where you have held down a job? He seems to be supporting you with the year you are currently taking out. Maybe you could do an access course whilst ds in school?

Since having ds I've had one 9 month and one 6 month job, both times have left because of issues with my son although this should all settle once he starts school (childcare problems have been the main issue) I do have a tendency to discuss ideas of what I'd like to do and never go any further with it. But I mostly talk out of fantasy because for the last 2 years we thought my son was a lot more severe than it turns out and that I would never be able to have a career. Hope that makes some sense.

He's also a worker by nature and has a suck it up and get on with it attitude but most of the time I like this quality in him.

We've been together 5 year 3.5 yr old ds

I think he prefers it when I'm at home mince which is probably the main issue. Thing are a lot easier when I'm not working but he doesn't earn enough to support us on his own (probably won't for another 5-10 years). I want to scream at him this isn't the 1950's!

For it to be abuse it would have to be part of a repeated pattern of behaviour where he routinely scotched your attempts to improve yourself. I'm not seeing thst from your description. Instead I wonder if, in your enthusiasm for your idea, you got too far down the track before you included him? I could be wrong but it sounds like you presented it as a fait accompli rather than a discussion. His response could be purely selfish or it could be that you need to go through your rationale again.

You sound like you have a fairly well though-out and reasonable plan, that you have considered the finances, and that you have the motivation to stick it out for the 1-2 years it will take (if I've read your OP correctly).

It is disappointing that your partner is being unsupportive, and saying things to undermine you. I think you should make it clear to him that his words were unsupportive and undermining, and that you count on him, as your partner, to have your back and believe in you.

And that while it may be "easier" when you stay in the home doing domestic work, that is NOT how you see your future.

If he's willing to take that on board, then he's probably a good'un.

then I got a de ja vu feeling of the way I used to hide things in a previous abusive relationship and it scared me a little

Listen to that little voice that is trying to tell you something. Trust yourself. If you want to do the course, then do it. As for DP....I think he is being unsupportive and selfish at best. Put it together with other information only you know about in your relationship and it very well may be EA, only you know for sure.

If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.