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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I Stay or Go?

9 replies

TRIX33 · 17/01/2015 07:59

I'm gutted, have just found out my husband of a year has cheated - devastated and not sure what to do - we have just moved overseas and have 2 children who are very settled - question is do I stay and try and work things out or move back home? I only found out as he has given me an STI he is saying he hasn't done anything and if he has he must of been drunk as he can't remember being unfaithful but I know for a fact I haven't and there is only one way to pick these things up! I do love him but feel I deserve better x

OP posts:
Nirvisna · 17/01/2015 08:05

I would have no choice but to go. Do you believe that he really doesn't remember?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/01/2015 08:11

I'm sorry you've had such a horrible shock. The STI adding injury to insult. Disgusting, irresponsible man to not even think about safe sex and deliberately jeopardise your health. If you don't know what to do for the best it's because you're being pulled in a lot of different directions. What you need most is calm and space to think though your options. Suggest you tell him to leave the family home for a while.... give yourself chance to properly assess the jnformation

PedantMarina · 17/01/2015 08:16

You're also going to get a lot of advice on the practicalities of maybe moving. For instance, it's unlikely that you'd be able to move back home with the children unless DH gives you permission (most countries adhere to the Hague Convention).

The third option may well be that you stay in the country, but not with the husband.

Do you mind saying which countries (home and where you are now), and how old the children are?

So sorry you're going through this.

HexBramble · 17/01/2015 08:16

Time to assess, definitely, as Cogito says. Your absolute first priority is your health so seek treatment as soon as possible.

Can you give more information? Are you absolutely certain of your diagnosis?

If your 'H' is still denying, even in light of your health being affected like this, then I'm sorry but he has little respect for you. Sad

As Cogito says, too soon to think 'stay or go' - you need time to process, time to plan and time to seek treatment. He needs to give you space. Now.

muminboots · 17/01/2015 08:31

I also live abroad and totally understand how that makes everything 1000x harder.

Does he regularly get so drunk that he honestly could have slept with someone and not remember anything about it? Because that's a massive red flag in itself. Did he have any other explanation as to how you could have picked up this infection?

Original poster
TRIX33 · 17/01/2015 08:31

Thank you.

We have recently moved to Dubai and kids are 1 and 4! I've had 2 tests done one at home in UK and one hear (had test done as I kept bleeding / didn't even know what test where being carried out) - was very shocked when doctors called and said Clymadia! and he still says he hasn't done anything, he is very convincing and i want to believe him but the evidence is there - you can't catch it from the toilet seat / towels any other way but sexual contact! He has also had a one night stand 4 years ago.

I know in heart of heart I should leave as you say has no respect and as i'm typing this i'm thinking i've mug written all over me, it just hard as i do love him and I keep thinking will i regret my choice! I really didn't want to be a single parent and take the children away from there dad they love him to bits - just gotta stay strong

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/01/2015 08:41

There is no need for you to leave. However, you've already let him get away with a one night stand and the result seems to have been more of the same. You've only been alerted this time because you have an STI. Who knows where he's been or how often?

So he leaves.... not you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/01/2015 08:53

He needs to leave the marital home.

Your "love" for him is more likely to be actually rooted in co-dependency.

He has no respect for you whatsoever. He's also got previous form for this type of behaviour too which you went onto ultimately let him get away with. Cheaters do not change, he feels entitled to cheat and now he has given you an STI. What next, him getting some woman pregnant?. What would it take you to say enough?.

Love your own self for a change.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships?.

Seek legal advice and asap. Is being in Dubai dependent on him; did you arrive there as part of his employers work visa scheme?.

HexBramble · 17/01/2015 12:45

He leaves, not you

^^ This.

Hope you're ok, OP.

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