Communicating with a narcissistic mother.

[ByronBaby]

Have name changed recently (fancied a change) but I have posted about my mother and her narcissism before. My Dad diesd a few years ago - lovely man but a complete flying monkey and since then she has become increasingly difficult. She lives very very far away from me so our contact is by phone or email. She is being really horrible at the moment, to the extent that I told her I wasn't talking to her anymore today and I put the phone down on her. She tells me that I am hard and just like my grandmother who she never liked. She is also a classic gaslighter - she is the wounded victim and I am selfish and unhinged and I use her (apparently). She then called me an hour later and left the message 'I hope you're feeling better than you were an hour ago ...' rather than even attempting an apology. When the phone rang with this message my daughter (who is 9) said 'don't answer if its nanna - she'll just be nasty to you.'

So what do I do around her as an adult (remebering that all of our communication is phone/ email) My DH reckons that I should pull her up and correct her all the time, remonding her of all the unpleasant things she has said and done. But I am unconvinced there is any point to thins. Also I have read that ignoring narcissists makes them worse. I am thinking along the lines of a number of calm stock phrases to take the wind out of her sails, but what could I say? Anyone more articulate than me who can help?

Is there a reason you have to be around her at all? I wouldn't if I could avoid it.

I'd suggest you visit the 'Stately Homes' thread. You may find information & advice there that will be more helpful to you.

I've never really dealt with a true narcissist, but I'd think that 'pulling them up' on their behaviour wouldn't do a bit of good.

As far as stock phrases; "That's your opinion", "I certainly don't remember (whatever) happening that way, but whatever floats your boat", "I don't care", "I don't care to discuss it".

I think the distance between you is your friend, as is the phone. Keep phone calls brief, hang up if she gets nasty and leave long gaps between calls. You may not be in control of what she chooses to say but you can control how often you let her speak :)

One point however.... I don't know how old your mother is but be alert to the possibility of dementia. My 'difficult' mother's behaviour deteriorated in her seventies and it needed a MH assessment to determine that it was a neurological problem rather than simply a personality disorder.