FWB - why do I feel guilty?

[Daters123]

I came out of long marriage with xh that cheated on me (reason I split from him).

I've been single for over a year and have met a man who's turned into a FWB. He dates others, I date others. We have fun together, days out etc aswell as sex.

I have a weird vaguely guilty feeling I should be settling down and not carrying on. Why is this? Is it just conditioning? Is it my subconscious telling me I might fall for him and get hurt?

I think I want someone to tell me it's ok to have a FWB. And to not want a proper relationship, as I get asked whether I'm 'seeing' someone all the time since becoming single. As if I should be paired up.

I expect lot of it is conditioning. There is that assumption that what all women want is 'the one' and what all men want is to sow their wild oats. :) Not true of course. If you've always been in monogamous relationships, the single life can feel a bit strange. It's perfectly OK. Just keep checking that you're enjoying yourself and walk away from anything or anyone that you're not happy with.

Thanks - that's good advice.

I've only had monogamous relationships in past and it must be the conditioning - I never would have thought I'd end up with a FWB.

It feels strange to be ok with the guy dating other women. I guess I'll know it's time to end it when I no longer feel ok with it.

Ive lived roughly the way you describe for 20 years. Serial monogamy rather than multiple dating but no permanent partner. I'm quite happy with my own company and I get all the intimacy and companionship I need without having to make the big compromises that tend to go hand in hand with a traditional long term relationship.

Honestly, it's probably because this is not something you would normally do, so it's going against what you normally believe to be right.

I've been there twice before, and both times I was in a bad place emotionally. They're not something I look back on and think of fondly (though one is worse than the other). I know within myself that I'm not interested in that sort of thing... that I want a deeper connection, or no connection, not this half-arsed sex only relationship.

It's all well and good while it's happening, crap when it ends because, whether you admit it or not, if he's the one that stops this FWB before you're ready, you'll probably feel rejected. This is your first "relationship" since you got divorced. This isn't a sustainable thing and then where are you left? Will you even be friends if he finds someone else as a stable partner? Are you kidding yourself thinking it's only FWB?

I'd ask yourself whether you're really okay with FWB or whether you're trying to convince yourself you are. And if you are okay with it, ask yourself why and be honest in your response.

Is this simply a stop gap until you find a relationship? Are you honestly done with relationships? Do you want a relationship with this person? Are you okay never having a relationship again and instead just sleeping with random people (and I say random people because invariably people in non-committed relationship tend to move on eventually).

You can always tell people "Oh goodness. After that train-wreck of a marriage I'm just dating. Nothing serious for a while yet."

Some of the things you say are what's concerning me. Is my guilty feeling because I'm getting invested in him and I know we would never work out long term?

The point about rejection is good. I don't know whether we'd continue to be friends - we weren't friends to start with!

If I'm completely honest with myself about my reasons for this FWB relationship...

• I'm not emotionally invested.
• I don't want a permanent relationship. I can't imagine being with one man forever. Certainly not at this point into life.
• I don't want a man involved in my life beyond us two. Don't want to introduce anyone to my kids. Don't want to blend two families.
• I don't want to get involved in someone else's life - meet his kids, family etc.
• Sex is amazing. I don't want to give it up, it's making me very happy.
• I don't want to settle down now. If I started dating someone I'd feel mean that they might get invested in me. With the FWB he won't fall in love with me and want to settle down.

I like the way you describe the dating - nothing serious yet - I'm going to use that.

Cogito it's interesting you've made a series of monogamous relationships work for you. I think that's what I want in the medium term- until kids are much older.

'Are you honestly done with relationships?

This is the kind of question people like me and the OP get all the time and I think it is indicative of just how uncomfortable people are with independence in women. It's also quite insulting. Why is the opposite of 'a relationship' meaningless sex? Why is the opposite of a LTR 'FWB'? I can't speak for the OP but personally, my experience of serial dating has been very varied and rich..... and has included several interesting and meaningful if shorter relationships rather than one long boring partnership!

That's a thought, actually - "meaningless" sex - it's not meaningless if you're enjoying it, it's recreational and, at its best, life-affirming. It doesn't have the added bonding factor that it would in a good LTR, but it's got enough going for it already. You might just as well say you're going for a meaningless jog because you're not training for a marathon, or watching some meaningless telly because it's not on your Open University study schedule. If someone asked you why you watched the telly last night you'd think they were a bit weird.

On the other hand, sex within a LTR can sometimes get to the point where you're both just going through the motions because, well, that's what you do when you're married innit. It's pleasant enough but you'd just as soon have a good cup of tea. Is that meaningful, really?

If there was a 'like' button I'd press it for that last post :)

I'd have worn that button out pressing it for all your posts, Cogito

I think both of those last posts need a "like" .

I'm in a similar situation OP, I don't feel guilty but I do feel worried because I know will start to properly "like" him the more I see him. I wish I could switch that off. I am one of those that gets all silly once I have slept with someone. Thing is I don't want a relationship, for one I would never trust again after being with ex so it's pointless.

I do find this assumption that everyone should be in a relationship irritating though. I am fully aware that every single couple I know feels sorry for me because I am single with two children. What they don't know is I feel sorry for them with their constant having to compromise within their relationships. I know my parents judge me when I stay out "overnight" little face pulls etc.

Those last two posts have given me a lot to think about.

I especially like the you wouldn't say a jog was pointless because it wasn't training for a marathon point.

Superb post Annie.

Power to the non marrieds of this world. It's not the only way.

I've been in this kind of relationship since my divorce several years ago. Except it's 'exclusive' and we love each other - does that make sense? We're not involved with each others lives at all. People who see us and ask questions get told 'we're simply friends who enjoy spending time together'. On the whole it's been great for me as there have been all the benefits of of an intimate bond without any baggage but I would be in denial if I said it's totally plain sailing. I get terribly jealous if I think he's being too friendly with other women - I know it's irrational but I can't stop myself. Facebook has caused huge problems for me which I won't go into. My FWB/DP, as time's gone on, has been pushing more and more to move in with me. Since I've been married once and am well past the stage of wanting any more children, co-habiting is not something I would consider. Been there done that! However I appreciate that FWB/DP may give up and move on eventually as he clearly wants more from the relationship and this is all beginning to feel like not being fair on him - but the thought of not having him around is hard for me to deal with. Guess the old saying 'you can't have your cake and eat it' applies?

OP I think your feelings of guilt are the result of conditioning and you should not let other peoples views spoil your life. It's absolutely OK to have a FWB! (But if you feel you're becoming invested in him against your better judgement then tread carefully is my advice.... )

Anniegetyourgun Sat 17-Jan-15 08:39:49

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 17-Jan-15 07:28:06

nail
head

you have both summed up my current situation / philosophy perfectly

OP I've re-read your posts and your OP reminds me that you're not really in a FWB situation. You're dating this person. As soon as you start seeing someone for things other than sex you're adding emotions to the mix (friendship or whatever) and I wonder whether this is part of your hesitation (it is a shallow friendship in that it probably won't last once you're done with him).

You mention "I'm not emotionally invested" as your first point of why you're happy dating this person, but I don't think it's true that you're not, I just think it's a different kind of invested, you like spending time with him, you enjoy his company, but you don't love him (which is fine of course). If you called him and he said "not tonight", would you be ticked off?

Based on your last post I'd say that you're almost totally happy where you are, but because of your legitimate concern that you're getting in too deep you're not totally happy... so I think you need to pull back a bit and stop spending non-sex time with him.

I truly believe you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else and it sounds like dating is definitely helping build you back up. And you can tell people that too. "I'm taking a time out from anything serious to focus on myself".

Why is the opposite of 'a relationship' meaningless sex? Why is the opposite of a LTR 'FWB'? I can't speak for the OP but personally, my experience of serial dating has been very varied and rich..... and has included several interesting and meaningful if shorter relationships rather than one long boring partnership!

Cogito, your query goes both ways. Why does the opposite of "several interesting and meaningful shorter relationships" have to be "one long boring partnership"? [emphasis added] I'm also not sure why you think a LTR (long term relationship) opposite would be FWB...

You're projecting a little into my post that wasn't there. The OP herself used the term "proper relationship" and I was using her language. FWB is a relationship, though it is typically strictly sexual and the OP's relationship is not, and therein lies the risk for some people when that relationship ends, which is what I mentioned to the OP.

These posts are great, they've helped me crystallise some thoughts.

I'm not ready for a relationship and making someone part of my life. I work full time, focus on the kids when not at work, enjoy the sex with fwb when I get a night away from them. My life is full enough without having to juggle in someone who wants to be a part of it.

The comment about whether I was honestly done with relationships gave me pause for thought. I don't think I am done with relationships forever. I know I don't want one now. I don't think both are mutually exclusive. I can change my mind at any time and look for someone to have a relationship with - I don't have to be done with relationships forever (assuming I can find a man)!!

I get comments from people all the time about how hard it must be- single with two kids, am I looking for someone, they're sorry they don't know anyone they could hook me up with, etc. It's irritating.

It's been so good to hear from people on this thread - I would like all the posts!

I'm very aware I might get in too deep - I pull away from him at times for this very reason. If he cancelled on me I wouldn't be hugely upset. I've had to cancel on him at times.

People suck sometimes don't they? I'd practice responding to the "how hard it must be" comments with a laugh and positive responses:

"I'm actually really enjoying being able to focus my attention on the kids and myself and not someone else".

"I've got amazing friends and family"

"You know people say that all the time, and I know it comes from a good place but I'm actually really happy where I am right now."

etc etc. Kill them with kindness etc etc.

I've been married 5 years and my MIL has started the "I'm ready to be a GM" things, and SIL's have done the "I'd love to be an aunt!" anytime I talk about my niece... so I totally understand the frustration. I aim for shut downs though "not sure we're ever having them honestly" or just a laugh and "I'll let DH know his mother wants us to have kids, I'm sure that's what he's been waiting for".