Miss my friend

[Cameochick11]

One of my friends committed suicide last month, leaving behind his wife and 3 kids. he loved them all.
It was a bolt out of the blue - I knew he'd had issues with depression but kept asking how he was etc - and he reassured me he was fine - we'd talked the day before he did it, and he'd liked a facebook post of mine only hours before. I was devastated,and although our families were meant to meet a few days after the event, and his wife and I were at the point of "liking" each other's posts on facebook, she and I hadn't actually met - we lived 400 miles apart, and it hadn't been practical before. He was a schoolfriend of mine and we'd talked long and hard over the years about life. He was a genuinely good guy.
I drove all the way to his funeral - collecting mutual friends from airports along the way. I was left outside in the rain when his widow invited them in to share some memories - but none of my friends explained afterwards why they were all together, or why I spent the entire evening on my own outside. Now one of them has let it slip that they are all invited to scatter his ashes - and I'm not. Most of them, like me, hadn't met his widow before he died. And I'm just devastated that these schoolfriends - who purport to be friends of mine - could have kept me in the dark about this. Of course, I entirely get that his widow's loss is unimagineable, but I do feel like I've been supportive to her - and message her regularly to ask how she is.
I hurt so much about the loss of my friend, but I have nobody to share it with: we'd talk most days - as he would to others in the group too. I feel like a second-class mourner. The irony of it all is, my friend hated anyone being left out - he felt very strongly about his friends being hurt, and I keep thinking he'd hate this. I think about him every day - he was a rock, as he was to most of us in the group.
Please help me to reframe this - right now I feel devastated - like I don't matter. I miss my friend.

Oh honey just want to say really sorry for your loss and grief. I'll write more when I can, lost a friend exactly same way but can't add much about feeling left outam afraid. Have you tried telling your friends how you feel? Do remember your friend for who he was and your relationship with him, that's yours alone. You sound lovely asking after the wife and she'll remember that. Be kind to yourself things are all mad but get better

I am so sorry about the death of your friend, Cameochick, and particularly sorry that you are having to deal with your grief alone.

I am not sure I understand what happened. Did your other friends purposefully leave you at the funeral, or did your friend's widow actually exclude you from joining in with some private part of the proceedings?

If the latter is the case (and it sounds as if it might be), then I would imagine that your other friends had no say in that and, in fact, may not know why your friend's widow decided to exclude you. Have you tried asking one or two (perhaps those you are closest to) why they think this has happened?

It does sound as if your friend's widow might have some issue with you. It does seem odd, however, for her to have an issue of such magnitude (for her to exclude you from parts of the funeral), yet for you to have absolutely no idea what it might be.

A Dish - his widow asked for some people -'who knew him very well' to join her. I've no idea why I wasn't among them - and there was never anything between him and I - so I've no idea why his has happened. I'm lost. My friends haven't contacted me all week, biut I can see their Facebook green dots are on.

I only found out cos I had arranged a reunion weekend for us all - I was told the day after the funeral that nobody wanted to do it as it was a year since we all met up last, and there would've too many memories for everyone. As I'd booked it, I'm £250 out of picket for cancelling. I told one of the guys that it was cancelled, and he said that he was hoping to go to the ashes-scattering. I said I didn't know about it, and was mistakenly cross-posted into a convo between some folk 'she says she's not invited' etc. I am devastated.

Sorry for your loss. It is hard for you to cope with being excluded from proceedings for no apparent reason. I imagine his poor wife is struggling to cope with the devastation his sudden death has caused and is not aware of your depth of feeling. She probably randomly invited people she thought were his close friends and hasn't included everybody. If you can, you need to accept she is doing the best she can and let this go by without making a fuss. You could perhaps send a note expressing condolences and saying you would love to attend the ashes scattering to say your goodbyes. But you have no relationship with her and she owes you nothing.
Talk to your friends and maybe between you an idea will arise for a commemoration in due course.

I'd love to do that but I feel like I'd be inviting myself. Very few of the group had a relationship with her before this happened. I made so much effort - one of the girls agreed we'd do memory books - I brought scrapbooks along, postcards, glue, pens etc -but nobody wanted to do them, brought alcohol for the wake etc.

I entirely get that his widow can do what she chooses, but none of the people I call a friend has commiserated that I'm left out. They are all very 'we are included, you shouldn't feel bad that you're not'.
And there isn't anyone I can share my grief with. And I'm lonely.