When it's good is vv good, when is bad is horrid

[happychicks]

Thhink I know what the answer is but so want this to be salvageable. Been together five years, when it's good 70/80 per cent time, is fab. Fin, kind, caring. But by god he is sensitive and goes off like rocket if I'm critical or he perceives it as that. won't listen to reason. I'm realising I've been keeping quiet to avoid conflict but hit rock bottom at Xmas when he said things been bad for ages, fun has gone, big gulf. Happy Christmas. And it just got to me felt like he just couldn't be nice:-( anyway, we agreed it hit rock bottom, spent ages talking calmly about what needed to change, and I said he has to let me speak, not go off like rocket. Went well, but he's being miserable again already. it's all complicated, too much to go into but just feel stressed and walking on eggshells . This sounds awful, am starting not to care less, just living own life. I want him to be one who walks, otherwise is just convenient for him to blame me. He's an odd fish, not facebook friend me for five years, no pics of me on it and old posts from ex still there,. Wtf? If I ask him to remove them, he'll say I have problem in that it was looking at them. Aibu?

Do you have dcs?

You are not facebook friends and have been together for 5 years and he has no pictures of you online? Does he want to appear single to other women? What reason has he given you to not befriending you or not having any pictures of you? Sounds very dodgy to me.

Possible narcissist? Is everything your fault? Is it you who must change? Secretive? Excluding you? Keeping you emotions in check so as not to provoke him? Can't give you empathy? Is it a one-way street for him? Was he way nicer in the beginning of the relationship? Did he love bomb you? Do you feel he does just enough every now and then to keep you going but ultimately leaves you constantly wanting more?

Thanks for responding. Sorry was a bit garbled n lacking details, bit tired of it just thought might help to write it down/ get views. No d c s, trying, he has kids from previous who stay. I know re facebook, he says he barely uses it (true), but he does put other pics up. Lots of women friends. Never felt jealous before am quite tough n confident, but that's all gone in last six months. sometimes think v selfish other times think he just lacks the relationship compassion gene! He fb d me when I explained how made me feel but hurt by lack pics.

Sophrosyne you v smart. Er yes to nearly all of that. It didn't work for years. I ignored it but chip chip chip. Oh nothing is his fault Ever. is also v sensitive, is that a trait?

FFS stop trying to make DC with him. Use multiple forms of contraception.

Getting pregnant is not a good response to your relationship hitting rock bottom.

It shouldn't be this hard, really

Yes, because they work so hard to keep the 'mask' on, that any perceived threat to whatever they want us to think they are (to keep us hanging around) is so over the top. If you google narcissist man traits or something like that, got through the list and see what you think. You sound like I felt at the end, exhausted and numb.

And please don't have children with him if he is a narc. They see children as competition for your attention and pawns to use to prop up their 'good guy' mask.

Thanks all, I am really, and sad cos it's been so good, with blips thst got worse n worse. Don't worry re pregnancy, we were on ivf bandwagon, and this mess started after that. When he went haywire about feeling unsupported. To give him his due he was brilliant til then really close. just feel really stupid and fed up not being heard, gets to you doesn't it.

The good guy mask is true. First to help strangers. Really want him to leave so scales,fall off a few people s eyes about what pig he is. He's already said he'll mke it easy if I tell him to go. Putting onto me, nice.

I admit I'm not familiar with the whole narcissist thing but he just sounds horrible. If you have to walk on eggshells to avoid an upset ( my ex was like this) something is very, very wrong.
Please don't have kids with him. It will only get worse.

'Feeling unsupported' when you were doing IVF? Yes, because he wasn't the center of your world for that moment. Imagine going through pregnancy (where you are supposed to be supported and have lots of attention) and him still insisting you are not doing enough for him and acting like a moping child to make you feel guilty, and then imagine when the child is there and you put your children first, as any mom does, that would be totally unreasonable to him as again, he is not the be all and end all of your world.

I'm sorry, but he has already told you what he thinks of your relationship if 'he'll make it easy'. You can leave now or you can wait until he leaves. Either way, it sounds like the end is near.
Also, prepare yourself to be the bad guy no matter what. And he will charm, lie and/or play the 'poor me' card to get sympathy and make you look bad. People won't suddenly see him for what he is, I'm afraid. Close family and friends are often the most blind and often fulfill the role of narc cheerleaders and enablers.

Thanks for your help, most of the stuff I mention happened before the big chats and when I could say what I felt and he did listen. It felt v positive, maybe as had worked out my boundaries and starting to not give a shit. But then the glimmer comes again, the if only. Aargh. Guess time to put me first, toughen up and grieve. Thanks all is really appreciated

The grieving bit is tough - do you have real life support?

Not really, done that stupid thing of glossing over it for ages w friends I have, and drifting from old friends. Starting to build new network tho. Met him when just got divorced and best friend had died so wasn't in best place, or on defence. He never criticises me, opposite, but just lacks empathy, is so defensive. Is all points scoring. Just v sad n feel uncared for, and bloody resentful. My family been brilliant to him. And know they will say is all my fault for being fiesty.

Do NOT have children with this person. Go it alone and have IVF with a sperm donor.