DH tackled MIL but it has gone wrong (update)

[Mistlewoeandwhine]

Original thread:www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2269328-Another-MIL-one-long

So Dh sent MIL an admittedly very angry email outlining all the issues I mentioned in my original thread. He copied in his sister (golden child's mother). SIL read his email first and went ballistic. She sent him a very angry email, swearing at him, saying he was utterly out of order, she was so angry with him her hands were shaking etc. She said that MIL loved all the grandhildren equally and that she was disgusted at him saying otherwise. He didn't reply.

Later she emailed again saying that she had rung DH's stepdad and together they had decided that DH's email was too toxic for MIL to read. They told her she was not to read it as it would be too upsetting for her.SIL rewrote DH's emails containing the main points (I haven't read it so don't know what was left in/removed). MIL emailed him later simply saying that she loved all her grandchildren equally and loved him too. She didn't address any of the points made.

Dh has not replied to any of this but is stressed and angry. He is also stressed with work so feeling under a lot of pressure at the moment. Tonight he has received an email from his stepfather asking for DH to ring him to discuss things so we can 'move forward'.

Anyone got any advice? Personally I feel disgusted with the lot of them especially SIL and her censoring behaviour. No one has conceded that DH has got any valid points although I suppose that could still come up in a phone call. I don't really know how to advise my DH as truthfully i am heartily sick of all of them but then again it's not my call :/

I'll link to that again:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2269328-Another-MIL-one-long

See what FIL says.

My mother was once in your shoes with me, eventually they went no contact. It didn't effect me at all growing up.

You have to do what's right for your child, it's not fair for them to be treated differently,

He isn't really a FIL. He's only 10 yrs older than me, they never had any kids (so he is not a father as such) and he doesn't interact with our kids at all. He'll just defend MIl to the hilt. I suspect MIl of hiding behind them all too and getting them to fight her battles for her.

Cut her and SIL out of your life?

If it's not going to be a productive phone call, I'd tell your dh not to bother. He's said what he needed to say and it's up to them to change their behaviour. If they're not going to do that, then I would just leave them all to their melodrama.

It's not as though they bring anything positive to your lives.

I would just stop bothering but it does depend on what FIL says I guess. I don't get why MIL comes to visit when your dh isn't there...

I would stop any type of interaction unless you're both there to present a united front. What an absolutely vile woman.

God - it would just be a relief for me. I think DH is much more of them 'just give in' and try to go into his happy place mentality.

Go NC with all of them.

No point talking to any of them. Start ignoring them immediately.

I think DH is much more of them 'just give in' and try to go into his happy place mentality.

He's furious at the moment though, right? Could you suggest that he just avoids all contact with them for a few weeks until it all calms down? Maybe that time apart will help him to see how much better life is with them out of it.

The e-mail your H was never going to go down at all well by any of them; they saw this as a personal attack and have acted accordingly. Their reactions are of no surprise to me at all; this is all par for the course with such dysfunctional people like his family of origin. Toxic people like nothing more than a) a fight and b) the last word and your H's e-mail has simply given them ammo to lob back at him and by turn your own family unit.

Dysfunctional women like his mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them and that person playing that role here is your H's stepfather. I would not call him under any circumstances, that phone call will not go well and he will defend his wife to the hilt (because he also is a weak bystander). Also doing that will simply draw your DH back into their power games.

You will have no peace so long as any of his family are in your lives at all. They need to be cut off completely. They cannot play power games if the two of you refuse to engage them at all. Radio silence from the two of you must be maintained. All their means of communicating with you must be blocked.. Letters from them are shredded without opening.

Your H's role and by turn his own family unit now is one of scapegoat and that will not change.

If your DH talks to anyone, it should be directly to his mother. Speaking to her husband will achieve nothing, he will filter back to her only what he wants her to hear.

I think now it's out in the open, your DH should push for an open discussion about it all (especially as MIL has only read SIL's edited version of his email) Once that's happened then you can both decide what the next step is.

Your SIL and FIL are being busy-bodies. If your DH had an e-mail from him to his mother, then it's from him to his mother. Re-writing it? Banning the recipient from reading it? Shocking interference.

I'd be inclined to send your SIL a message telling her to fuck off to tell the truth. It's none of her business or concern what her mother reads. That's just weird...
I don't think your H should talk to his SF as he will just end up being told off for upsetting his mother. The only person he needs to talk to is his mother.

Would dh write MIL a letter? Now he's done the angry email, maybe he could do a calm but truthful letter. Addressed directly to her (typed so it's not intercepted before she sees it).

He needs to find some way of communicating his feelings to her, and what he expects as a result.

He does need to keep his sister and sf out of it too. This is between him and his mum.