lack of boundaries... emotional abuse

[NameChange201519]

I'm not sure where I should begin with this so it may be a bit of a rambler, but bear with me.

I've never had 'boundaries', I was bullied all throughout school (the main culprits being those I regarded as 'friends') so would let people walk all over me, once I left school this changed to me lying about myself to fit in with people (I'm both embarrassed and sad with myself for falling into this trap). I never had a boyfriend, just a series of flings (where the man would then meet somebody else and soon be in a serious relationship with said girl/woman). I recently met a man who is my IDEAL and started off saying I was beautiful, he couldn't believe how beautiful I am etc.

Soon he starts saying I should change my behaviour, then makes SERIOUS violent threats against me if I go against him or even annoy him (earlier today I asked how his day had been and he made a seriously violent threat against me for asking as apparently it had been bad and i'm a 'dirty fucking slut' for questioning him. He also talks about very degrading sexual practises and what he wants to do to me).The problem is, I don't want to lose his contact. No other man has ever said I'm beautiful or showed an interest in me. I know I should end it but I hate the thought of the 'lost opportunity'. How can I boost my self esteem? I crave drama in a man and I'm embarrassed by myself. He has a class-A drug addiction (coke) too.

He also asked for a threesome with his brother, then laughs at my laugh and asks me trick questions and goes CRAZY if I answer 'incorrectly'. Ths situation sounds ridiculous but I really don't know what to do and I'm so embarassed to be in it.
Any advice/ bringing back to reality welcome,

check this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2278259-Advice-needed

Google 'Love Bombing'

Classic abuser tactic. He doesn't mean what he says.

Run like the wind from anyone who calls you horrible things like 'a dirty fucking slut'! Normal, healthy people in normal, healthy relationships don't do this.

Drop him like a stone and go absolutely no contact. Block everything and expect him to rant and rage, but do not under any circumstances go back. He is dangerous and you could get seriously hurt.

You may not believe it, but you deserve better than a twat like him.

Also, seek counselling if you can and read 'Women who love too much'

I'm seeing my GP next week for a counselling referral, I've considered reading 'women who love too much' but my problem is so deep rooted its like half of me is resistant to 'getting better'? I can't imagine not craving a dramatic and, ultimately, ill fated relationship with a man. I'd find it somehow boring? But I'm not getting any younger so need to get over this. The man I'm seeing claims to have slept with over 1000 women so I worry he'll forget me (like my dad and best friend did). Thank you for the advice!

I haven't slept with him yet (I'm scared to due to his violent threats and IMO degrading sexual practices)

OP, you need to get away from this man and fast. He sounds highly dangerous. This is not the kind of relationship you deserve. Please get out now before you become even more involved. He's making it clear how much he hates you. You deserve so much better than this.

You need a therapist and some time off from relationships with men. I say this as someone who also had a shocking lack of boundaries growing up and ended up in a violent relationship because of it. I'm now in a peaceful, calm, respectful relationship and life is so much better.

You know this is not right OP - you owe it to yourself to change your approach to relationships and you will need professional support to do that.

Well, if this is what you want, then carry on. I'm not sure what answer you are looking for?

He's a coke head, abusive woman-hater and you are choosing to stay with him because you're afraid you'll be bored?

Why are you afraid to be happy? Open the book and read the first chapter at least. Nothing to lose if you do.

Have you read about love bombing?

You haven't known him very long at all, and already he's this bad?

I am so glad that you realise that this is wrong, and that you have some poor boundaries and other issues that need to be addressed.

Now, for how to get yourself safe, and then get yourself well:

1. Go no contact. This man is very bad news, you know that, and you're still addicted to the thrill of him, which is also bad, and you know that. The solution, like for any other addiction, is to go cold turkey. It's hard. But you just DO IT, and it gets easier and then completely natural with time.

How to go no contact: BLOCK him on FB and social media. BLOCK him on your phone (call your provider). BLOCK him on e-mail. DO NOT PICK up when he phones. DO NOT RESPOND when he sends messages (and they will be manipulative messages designed to get you to react). DUMP his stuff in a location where he can pick it up without your paths crossing.

And have friends and distractions at the ready for the teams when you feel you are weakening.

1. Get some therapy. And do the things that will help you grow some self-esteem:

• small and big achievements of your own. Put up a shelf, make a quilt, throw a party, start a business… from big actions to small actions, demonstrate to yourself that you are capable and awesome and can do anything on your own.
• exercise: it's a great mood and confidence booster. Take up a sport.
• socialise. Make new friends!
• express yourself: journal, paint, knitting, cross-country running… whatever it is that makes you feel like you.

Keep doing this. You will get used to the fact that you are awesome, eventually. And then scary abusive creeps like that man you are currently seeing, you will have NO more time or tolerance for.

Good luck.

Please take care of yourself and stay safe. You deserve it.

I'm going to go NC (this shouldn't be too difficult aside from my attention seeking self craving his praise as he regularly ignores me when on coke binges), this sounds even more ridiculous but he has 'pictures' of me so I live in fear of others seeing the pictures? I've only known him for 6 weeks. I will try to go out more so I'm less flattered by his attention, should I tell my employer/ university? I'm very embarrassed to tell people (this has IMO affected my exams), it just sounds ridiculous!

If you are in uni, check on campus as there should be counselling avaliable for students. You need to see someone pronto!
Keep your clothes on and don't stay with him if he blackmails you with the pictures.
6 weeks!?!? Don't be flattered, be scared.

You are in the driver's seat when you go no contact. Don't rely on his coke binges keeping him away from you. Rely on YOU keeping him away from you. You are your own protector.

Forget about the pictures. He'll do or not do whatever he wants with them. This is not an issue at the moment.

I don't see why you would tell your employer, unless he's a colleague - please explain? DO tell the counselor you will be seeing, though. And do tell a good, solid, supportive friend that you have been going through a hard time: he is the one who has things to be ashamed of, not you.

He sounds as though he could hurt you physically fairly soon. Please walk away now and then arrange counselling to talk through your self esteem issues. Be careful, do not sleep with him!

Perhaps I needn't tell my employer, but should I tell my university? He is a fellow student (although he's on an entirely different course). My friends know about the situation but don't really understand, they have the attitude of 'Just ignore him! Its easy to meet somebody else!' but don't understand my self-esteem problems nor how difficult I find it to meet men. And yes 6 weeks, maybe he knew a 'victim' when he saw one. He cancelled our first date 'you're so beautiful I must take you out for dinner' because he was too coked up.

Trust your judgement. If you think he's likely to become a threat to you or others and want to warn someone in authority, go ahead.

IMO, he's a nasty piece of work all right, but right now he's just a nasty man best avoided. However, YOU are the only judge of what YOU think is the right course of action.

He sounds absolutely terrifying. Forget about the pictures. Your concern should be getting well away from this man. He will escalate his abuse.

Then when you're safe, work on yourself - counselling is absolutely fantastic, but it's not an instant fix. Stick at it and don't even consider a relationship until you know that you are a worthy person who deserves love and respect.