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Original poster

Online dating red flags

18 replies

BornToFolk · 16/01/2015 20:08

I'm giving online dating another try. I tried it last year and didn't really get anywhere - seemed like all the blokes I liked didn't like me, and vice versa! But I'm fed up of being single so thought I'd give it another go.

I've been exchanging emails with a guy for the past couple of weeks, nothing too serious but we've been getting on well and he sounds really nice...but he only broke up with his ex a couple of months ago.

Am I being over-cautious to be concerned by that?! It just seems like no time at all to start dating again. They have children together too.

Instincts tell me to leave it but then he does come across as a decent bloke and I think my instincts might be a bit rusty after many years of not dating...and maybe he's not looking for anything serious, just wants to chat to people and have some fun. Argh! This dating business is hard!

So, is it a red flag? Should I run a mile?

OP posts:
akaWisey · 16/01/2015 20:48

I don't think your instincts are rusty at all OP. He might well only be looking for a bit of online flirting and ego boosting but you don't seem to want that for yourself. I would pass on it if it were me voice of bitter experience

dirtybadger · 16/01/2015 20:54

I would pass. He might be alright but I don't find the idea of a guy who can't enjoy himself or manage alone for a few months/year or so very appealing. Smells of dependency or lack of self awareness. I think most sensible people leave dating alone for a bit (well, no, dating is fine, but don't actively look for another serious relationship).

FreckledLeopard · 16/01/2015 20:59

I think if he was together with his ex in a committed relationship then I'd steer clear. I made that mistake before and married him he had basically never lived alone. He'd gone from breaking up with his ex, to having his mother look after him, then we got together. Definitely leave it at least 6 months to a year before considering it. I think a solid period of time after a break up like that is necessary.

Original poster
BornToFolk · 16/01/2015 21:04

Aw bums! Sad I think you are right though. And sorry that your advice comes through bitter experience akaWisey.

I'm not adverse to a bit of flirting and chat but it would be nice to think that it had the potential to go somewhere and no, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who's so soon out of a serious relationship. And add children into the mix (his and mine!) and it all gets too complicated.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 16/01/2015 21:06

Ive been online dating on and off for years and I just wouldnt even think of dating someone "separated" let alone a few months out of a relationship. Far too much drama going on.

lavenderhoney · 16/01/2015 23:00

Well, you could ask him, before you get emotionally involved.

Just say " it's very soon to be on a dating site- don't you think you need time to settle into a new routine and concentrate on your dc?" In a nice way.

It's very fast really - 2 months- to be looking to move on and give yourself to another person, dating and becoming part of their life. He might be looking for a home or avoiding realising he has to be independent. Or it could have been rubbish for ages and an amicable split so dating is fine. You have to ask and decide.

Rebecca2014 · 17/01/2015 08:24

My ex was on a dating site two months after we split, so was I!! That's how we knew. But the reason I was on there was because I was lonely and I thought dating would make me get over him quicker. I am not sure if that is how he felt, but two months is very quick and a lot people do rush into new relationships to get over the last one.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/01/2015 08:52

It's not necessarily a 'red flag'. It all depends on what you want out from a date. Is it fun and companionship? Sex? Marriage? ..... What do they say they want?

woowoo22 · 17/01/2015 09:01

Wow. I have not long separated from my ex H (November).

Have had one date with a lovely guy and planning another. Through OLD. Marriage was dead in the water approx 18 months (if not years) before I actually made the final decision I couldn't take it anymore and he left.

My profile clearly says interested in "dating" only, as does the guy I've been on a date with, who also recently split with his ex partner.

I tried OLD for some chat, adult company and something to do on the long winter evenings!!

Don't think that makes me crazy or all the rest of it. If he's not for you then fine but so much judgy judging on this thread Hmm

Nirvisna · 17/01/2015 09:31

Woowoo, if it makes you feel any better I went on a date the day after my STBXH moved out and am still happily with that man!

woowoo22 · 17/01/2015 09:34

Haha Nirvisna glad to hear it!!

Karenthetoadslayer · 17/01/2015 09:41

But you haven't even met this guy and you are looking at future potential? And he has not even met you? But I have not even looked at an online dating site and not familiar with the procedure.

LividofLondon · 17/01/2015 10:00

It's not necessarily a red flag as it very much depends on the dynamics of his relationship (he may only be single 2 months but how long ago did they emotionally split?). Personally I'd want to know more before deciding one way or the other and agree with Lavender to ask him. If what he says puts your mind at ease then I suggest meeting for coffee ASAP rather than wasting time emailing/texting etc.

BrassicaBabe · 17/01/2015 10:07

I met my DH online when I had only split from exH about 6 weeks ago and we were still living under the same roof. Our marriage had been soooo bad for sooooo long that when we split it was v easy to move on as I'd already mourned the loss of the marriage. If that makes sense.

My other generalised online dating tip is to avoid the big mainstream sites. There are plenty of sites out there for specific hobbies/interests (mine was Muddy Matches Grin). I think there are less "players" on these sites....

Anyway, best of luck!!

Original poster
BornToFolk · 17/01/2015 15:30

No, we've not met. Like I said, we've only been emailing for a couple of weeks but I'm just trying to assess whether it's worth pursuing or not. My dating skills are very rusty and I'm new to online dating so I wanted to get other people's views on whether this would worry them, as it worried me.
I am looking for a serious relationship and don't want to be messed around by someone still getting over a previous relationship.
His profile doesn't specify what he's looking for, so I think I'll ask!

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 17/01/2015 16:09

I did online dating about 6months after my marriage broke down. I did it because I wanted to know if I was still attractive, to rediscover my taste in men, to practice 'dating'.

I wasn't looking for a partner. I was too fragile and a bit emotionally damaged at that time.

I think most people probably would be to an extent, even if they don't realise or admit it.

It's hard to end a ltr and not have to find a new normal in a new world before you're ready to date again.

If you like him, have fin, but don't expect too much.

FolkGirl · 17/01/2015 16:10

If you want a serious relationship, I'd give him a wide berth. But that's just me maybe.

Wrapdress · 17/01/2015 16:12

I think you need to meet in person and ask him these questions face to face. To me it is not a red flag his last relationship recently ended, but if you talk to him face to face and see how he talks about his ex, you will learn so much more than via emailing or chatting. You can hide so much truth behind well crafted, well thought out written responses.

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