Is it over?

[patch123]

Hi need some help to get my head clear and think straight.

I have 2 children from previous marriage and my partner has none and also never had a relationship before me. We were friends first and he cut me out his life a couple of times as friends which hurt but we had a connection and it grew and then VERY gradually became a couple. After about a year he started to become involved in my Sons lives as well and presently we are a little family of four. He doesn't live with me but is round 5 days a week and all weekends.

The problem is that recently we have started bickering but over fairly major stuff and I am now starting to withdraw from him which creates a vicious circle. He is pretty selfish and sometimes very quick to snap and when his fuse goes he can be cutting and mean do I then get upset as my ex husband was very verbally abusive and this just reminds me of him. He is also very judgemental towards my parenting and my children as people without children tend to be but I find this offensive as its not done in a constructive way, more scathing. One of my Son's is struggling greatly with me and his father splitting up so is often very challenging so this creates conflict. I am nearly 6yrs older and turn 40 soon whereas he is only 34 so the way I see it he will up and leave and find a childless, younger girl so I withdraw to protect myself. This makes him say I am not loving enough or don't say enough nice things which makes it even harder as I then feel resentful. I can be quite jealous as he does still have a "laddish" mentality about going out and getting drunk which I grew out of. I now feel numb, don't enjoy him coming round and when he does I'm very off with him. Our love life is suffering and used to be great. I need advice in whether that all sounds fixable or whether it sounds like I don't love him or if it sounds doomed. Or how to get out of this numbness I'm feeling towards him.. Thanks

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I'm not optimistic. Your DCs come first and any prospective partner has to be compatible with them as well as you if you're to be a family. I suspect his attitude has nothing to do with him not having DCs of his own. This may seem like an irrelevant point but, given that he spends 7 days a week at your place, how much does he contirbute to the running of the place, grocery bills, utility bills etc?

In case I wasn't clear.... when I said your DCs come first, I meant that you should not expose them to anyone or anything who is angry, selfish, snappy, rude, critical, out getting pissed etc. You can choose who to admit to your home. They can't.

You ask if it is doomed and yet I would doom this myself. You sound incompatible because he is an arse. Make a clean break. Your DC will be picking up on all this crap and they will settle down too once you drop the axe. He sounds hard work at best total dick head

If it isn't, then it should be

So he cut you out of his life several times when you were friends, he's generally unpleasant, critical of your parenting, you're at the point where you don't actually enjoy spending time with him, and I'm guessing that although he practically lives with you, he contributes absolutely zip to the finances.

Yes, it's doomed. Don't flog a dead horse.

I had to ask but he does contribute a bit now, towards shopping etc but we go 50/50 most of the time. No contribution to bills though. I have to add he is very loving, more so than me probably but I have a broken marriage that has changed me somewhat. He is great with me and the boys which is 70/80% of the time but for some reason I just have doubts which makes me not be able to give 100% to him. Doesn't everyone have flaws though? Is the snappyness and selfishness something I should just accept as part of him? I do sometimes think the first time he cut me out his life should have been his only chance. The second time he liked someone else so obviously she was a better bet until that went no further and the third time was about 5 monrhs after we started seeing each other and sleeping tigether and out of the blue didn't see me for about 10 days and only text me when prompted and said this was down to the fact he was scared as I was divorced with children.. for all I know he was in contact with the girl he liked but that's my jealous side speaking.

Everyone has flaws but some of them are 'fatal'. Why would you want to waste time on someone who is unpleasant and selfish, even if it's 'only' 30% of the time? Why would you want to expose your DCs to that kind of behaviour? Are you really that lonely?

And of course you're just a placeholder until something better comes along.... If you're not having a good time, just get shot.

No I'm not that lonely, very able to cope on my own. Just don't want to leave something that may be my fault for over analysing when it would be fine if I didn't have such high expectations. I do see your point though

You gave it a few months, he's not measured up. That's all the thinking you need,

He is pretty selfish and sometimes very quick to snap

This for me would be the deal breaker, you even said he reminds you of your abusive ex

Along with......

He's there 5 days a week and weekends but doesn't live there?

No commitment then on his part.

He didnt contribute anything financially until you asked him.

I highlight practically everything you've said to be honest.

Dump him OP.

Apologies... that should have read... I could have highlighted everything you said...

What on earth makes you think you have high expectations? Your expectations arent high, in fact you need to set them far higher.

I have to say that im single and if a man im getting to know even attempts to touch "my" remote control he's OUT!