First time thread! Need advice plz

[Sanah2015]

Hi all, this is my first ever thread so sorry for any mistakes but I have no where else to talk to. Il just give you abit of background info about me. I'm a mother of two beautiful children aged 4 and 18 months and also 3 months pregnant! I met my husband when I was 18 n now I'm 27. I just wana add I am muslim n my parents were not happy me being with him cuz dey use to say he was a control freak but I was in love n cudnt see dat. He likes things his way a lot but generally me n him r happy together n he is a amazing father. I dnt speak to any of my family because they disowned me once I married him. We had ups n downs like any realtionship bit I really thought he loved me dearest. Well I'm so heartbroken b got no one to turn too cuz last week he was in shower b left fone in bedroom(he never without it) and summit just made me check it. I cudnt believe wat I saw, texts of different woman I tink escorts arranging meeting up n booking hotels for oral sex. Der was one particular woman texting him on watsapp n da convo went summit like this dh: I cant wait fck you hard ow: yeah u left me sore dat night but loved it dh: I'm gona bang u hard! Wtf!!!!! I started crying n he just swear den it was just texts n just banter n he sorry! I just cnt believe it n honestly dnt believe him. We argued for two days n for kids sake n I just left it n carried on like normal cuz I av no choice, he being extra nice n acting like it was just texts. In so broke n nowhere else to go n he nos it. Plz dnt no wat to do

I'm sorry you're married to someone who is unfaithful, who lies, and who has no respect for you. I'm very sorry that you feel you have no options and that you must carry on as normal.... because that's emphatically not the case. As a married woman with children you have quite a lot of rights.

I would suggest that you take some advice and do some research on what those rights are and what your options are. Rather than working on the assumption that you have nowhere to go and no choices, find out the truth.

Your family think he is a control freak and it seems they may have had good reason to dislike him. You mention he likes his own way a lot... perhaps you could say more about that? Controlling relationships are very common and not easy to see from the inside.. At any time have you felt intimidated by him? Are you free to do and say exactly as you please? Do you have plenty of friends and an active social life?

I ask the above because if there is any hint of bullying or control in the relationship, physical or emotional, you have to be very careful and take specialist advice.

Thank you for your reply. I use to tink he's being protective of me cuz he loves me but to be honest now tinking if it, it was his way of controlling me. Whenever I wear anyting I sort of get nervous in front of him incase he gets angry if it's too tight ( he says it's not me it's ither men he doesn't trust), I do everyting in house for him so food has to be perfect n house spotless. I dnt tink u really know anyone untill u start living with them my mistake. I'm just so broke because I gave up my whole life to be with him b have always backed him up when family n friends tink otherwise. I live for my kids n he knows dat n da other night when we were fighting he kept saying " well if u want to leave me go ahead I haven't dun anyting wrong but u not taking da kids". Our sex life has been crap since my youngest only cuz she doesn't sleep very well.

A couple of things stand out as concerning. In a healthy relationship, you would never be frightened of someone getting angry if you wore particular clothes. I would also read 'you're not taking the children' as a direct threat. He knows you won't leave without them so it's a way to control you

I have a feeling there would be a lot of other examples if your family also found him controlling. For what it's worth, it is a common feature of abusive/controlling relationships is for the abuser to engineer things so that the victim is isolated from their family or friends. A bit like a sheep dog separating one sheep from the flock...

As I said before you do have options. What kind of future would you like for yourself and your DCs?

I'd like to add. .. did your family actually disown you or was it more that they asked you to choose and you opted to go off with your husband? Families often feel powerless to intervene when they see abuse taling plsce and have to step back out of necessity. Doesn't mean that they don't still love and care for you and would be willing to help if you asked. How easy would it be to get back in touch? Do you have siblings or cousins that you could contact?

Bumping this because I wondered how you were OP.