We've been separated a few months, do I want to ask my DH if he's started dating?

[completelyalone1980]

My DH (I call him my Ex now to help me cope) walked out on me and our 2 DDs a few months ago. There was no OW at the time. I know it's only a matter of time before he starts dating again. A few days ago he cancelled this weekend with the kids, he's never done that before. So now I'm suspicious. Do I want to ask him if he's started seeing anyone or if he's been on dates? I don't know if it will help me deal with our marriage being over, or if it will just kill me more. The anxiety is getting to me, so I thought I'd reach out...

I think it sounds like you do want to ask and that is a very understandable wish in the circumstances but you should resist asking if at all possible. It will just massage his ego and give him more power. Have you got anyone to talk to in real life?

I am in exactly the same situation to you. DH walked out on me and my two DDs. He swore on the children's lives there was no one else but I found out there was

You have to withdraw and cut emotional contact. It's no longer your business. He doesn't love or want you (like mine doesn't want or love me) so enquiry is just a route to pain. In fact for your mental health I would just assume your DH DEFINITELY is.

It's agony isn't it but he isn't coming back so work on yourself and your own happiness.

Don't think you should ask him if he is dating, but you should make it clear to him that contact can't be cancelled unless there is a life or death situation. You do not divorce your children. He has a responsibility to maintain a relationship with them and not just when it suits him. I know it is probably the last thing on your mind now, but you will get a life of your own as you recover from the shock and you can't have him messing up your plans by leaving you with the kids when you've made other plans.

I would also focus on keeping the contact regular rather than going too much into what else he's doing at the weekend. He can't simply pick up and drop contact as it suits. That's the conversation to have.

I would also focus on keeping the contact regular rather than going too much into what else he's doing at the weekend. He can't simply pick up and drop contact as it suits. That's the conversation to have.

He cancelled on this kids? Totally unacceptable unless maybe someone's dying and he's needed there. I'm not even exaggerating.

Also, I know it's really, really hard, but don't ask him if he's seeing someone. No good can come of it.

Given that he walked out for an OW, his marriage appears to be no bar to his 'availability'. It sounds like your marriage is over bar the paperwork, which would make his dating (as hurtful as it is) none of your business.

Time to get a contact agreement in place and focus your energies on that, rather then wasting it on this inadequate man.

I bet you there WAS OW and that is why he left and that is why he's cancelled the weekend.

Either way, your marriage is over so technically it's none of your business.

You'll find there was another one in the background. Don't torture yourself with asking. Quite frankly, you each have your own lives now. Once you are over your ex (and you will be someday!) would you want him nosing around asking about your lovely new partner? Of course not. Set the precedence early and firmly, NC on personal lives. No exceptions. It will save you a lot of anguish that way (I learned the hard way...)
Agree that he shouldn't be cancelling for a booty call. Totally deplorable. Harsh words in written format are needed (email) helps keep a record of him ditching his contact time should it ever get to court.
What helped me early on, was to think of my ex and I's relationship as a business relationship only; the business was our children. It was hard, but in time my love for ex died away and so did the anger (he left for OW too), until I was left with those neutral interactions you would have with someone in a work environment, a polite, but detached mentality.
You work on you and put all that energy into healing yourself, moving forward and being happy and leave him to make a further mess of his life and be miserable because it will happen; it always does with these types of men.
Good luck.

Sorry I don't think it's any of your business.

However I think if he cancels on the children he needs to have a decent excuse or find childcare rather than just drop them on you-what if you had plans?

And despite what a lot of MNers think there isn't always a OW.

MNers don't think there is ALWAYS an OW, but mostly we do yes and mostly we are proved right.

Agree that he shouldn't be cancelling for a booty call. Totally deplorable..
How do you know that he's cancelled for that reason? What a huge assumption to make. Adopting that way of thinking based on just one cancellation inevitably leads to unnecessary tensions between the soap and her ex which is not good for the children.

Time will tell. My money's on the booty call. I'd be surprised otherwise.