Anyone ever had couples counselling, specifically for sexual issues?

[ameliarose2012]

I have posted about this before, but not for a long time, and things haven't really moved on at all. I'll try to link to the previous thread in a minute rather than typing it all out again.

This week BIL (DH's brother) and SIL have announced they're separating- 24 years and 2 kids together. None of us had any idea, and it's really making me reassess where me and DH are in our relationship. Mostly things are great, apart from our sex life. We rarely have sex (the issues are all mine). I've been burying my head in the sand for long enough, and I think I need to face the problem now. If I don't I'm terrified it'll be the death of our marriage.

The thing is, I have no idea where to start! Is there a way to get a counsellor without going through my GP? They have been less than helpful for most things in the 3 years we have been registered there!

Any advice would be appreciated...

Previous Thread

If you think the problem is entirely yours then it's your responsibility to seek help. I think your GP has to be the first point of contact. Don't assume that it's a sexual problem btw. If it was triggered by physical trauma, then the sexual aspect could be symptomatic of something else.

I disagree with cog - you don't have to go to your gp and articulately not if you don't find them helpful. Most relate services have therapists trained in psychosexual issues, can provide individual and couple therapy, and will offer assessments first where you can talk through possible options. Relationship issues are about more than one person so although you say the issues are all yours, you are both 'in' it, and working things out together is worth exploring/thinking about as well as taking a more individual approach... I haven't read your thread btw, so am only responding to the info on the current post...

You could use relate but you might be better off with a private psychosexual therapist. If possible one who's accredited with COSRT. I agree it's not with going through your GP, most PCTs do not fund psychosexual therapy.

*not worth going through GP even

Amelia, you're me. Literally. Pm me x

Amelia, I have been in exactly the same position. And yes I also thought the problems were mine and have stuck with my marriage for around 8 years trying to fix myself (been married longer but 8 years ago it started to go very wrong). I have had solo counselling and tried to read as many books as I could fit on my book shelves. I have come to the point where I have realised the fault has not been with me but with the dynamic of our relationship. I have never really felt connected to my husband, we have never been able to talk (I'm not an open person and he doesn't listen), we have very different sexual appetites and deep down he really doesn't do it for me. I have held onto a lot of resentment from when the children were young and he did very little to help and I felt very abandoned and has said some truly awful things to me. Finally, I have realised it is time to call an end to the marriage because I can't change my perspective on it, however much I've tried, and it's time to move on.

I don't know if you read my link, but the problems most certainly are mine. DH is absolutely fantastic, and is my best friend in the whole world! We talk about anything and everything, and he is always supportive and loving. I'm sorry to hear of your troubles Teebee, but your situation does not apply to me.

I'm just off to google relate, but I'm on a work laptop so have to be careful what I search! Might hunt down the tablet later...

Looking at relate I think the costs will make this impossible are all counsellors a similar price? Think I might have to go through GP and hope they are helpful this time.

The thought of talking about it terrifies me. I'm a naturally very private person, and hate talking about myself and being the centre of attention. I really am genuinely scared.

Hi Amelia - a lot of your posts feel similar to mine, and it all came to a head just after New Year, when my DH brought up the subject again about being unhappy about the current situation. I don't have pain issues relating to child birth, but everything else rings the same - very attentive and patient DH, young children, mismatch of sex drives and very low libido from me. We have been average 1-2 times a week (more often once) for since our eldest was born 5 years ago (we have a 5, 4 and 2 year old).

I used to blame being tired with the kids, doing a full time job, my lack of body confidence (boobs mainly, having been sucked dry from 3 breast-feeding stints!) etc etc., and always buried my head in the sand when he raised the issue. And I too pulled away from the every day affection, worried it would have to lead to sex I didn't want.

And then last week, I had a real moment. I sat back and thought to our sex life pre kids, and it was pretty mad tbh - sex everyday, sometimes twice a day, quite kinky on occasion and I was just as hungry for it as he was... so what on earth has happened?

And I have a nanny, so have help with the childcare, and I exercise every day for an hour, so it's not like my body really is too tired... I realised I had just been pushing him away without really thinking about even trying to address the situation.

So we went out for dinner last week, and spent a good couple of hours talking about it all - and even that has helped the situation as getting it all out in the open has given me immense relief. I have felt so guilty for years, and he has felt unsatisfied (and unloved) and so really it was time to do something about it (we've been married 10 years this year).

So as part of our discussion, we have agreed the following:

• Sex 3 times a week (whether we are up for it or not - getting into the habit makes you want it more apparently!)
• Date night twice a week (one with a guaranteed orgasm at the end, one with no pressure - and just TALKING more during said date nights)
• Removal of my contraceptive implant (it's coming up for renewal anyway, so let's take it out and see if it was suppressing my sex drive)
• Boob job? Still thinking about that one - I can't bear sex without a bra on, and that is not very fair on DH!
• Use some of our cash each month to buy nice clothes and make up, so I am making more of an effort (and vice versa - without the make up though of course)

So we began this a week ago, and it's going really well! Accepting it was my issue I needed to solve has really helped, and we are already seeing the benefits of me not just trying to avoid being touched all the time etc. We're talking more, and the sex has been great. I didn't really feel like it on #3 for the week but I knew I had to keep it up and it was brilliant. And we both sleep so much better for it.

Not sure if any of this will help you, but I could totally see where you are coming from, and could have written most of your post...

...and now I feel really positive, just by NOT burying my head in the sand and hoping it/DH would just leave me be...

Sorry that was massive!