He's an alcoholic isn't he.

[Celestria]

So I have been dating a guy for a whole week. I know, wow.

I've known him for 13 years but he's been abroad for 8 of them. He's always been the most lovely, soft hearted guy. His girlfriend left him for another man and fell pregnant, and took all his money and he started drinking. I knew this but as he's been away, I had no idea to what extent.

He's been about the last couple of days and I know the signs. Very shaky hands. Hot and cold. Sweating. He's withdrawing. And anyone with alcohol withdrawal is at the very least an alcohol abuser.

So I asked him about it. He's always honest and direct and said he drinks a lot.

So no matter the fact that I know he is a lovely, kind hearted, gentle guy, getting involved with him would be seriously stupid wouldn't it.

I'm a bit gutted as I've had a soft spot for this guy since we were teenagers. We lived together for a couple of years. Platonically. His parents are alcoholics. But I tend to go for men that turn out to have addictions in one form or the other and as much as it sucks, I'm right aren't i. Difference with this guy is that he is genuinely a sweetheart.

You are right. Sadly - you can't get involved with an alcoholic, no matter how lovely he is and how much you can understand why. He has to help himself before he can be ready for a relationship. It sounds like you know him well enough to have a proper, candid talk about it.

I guess you've answered your own question. It does seem wiser to not get involved.

I've talked to him. It's been eight years but we know each other well. I've told him that he is wasting himself with alcohol. Health risks. Withdrawal risks. Looking like a drinker. He wants me to give him a chance but has put no pressure on me whatsoever. Says he can stop. But I've cared for alcoholics. I know it's a powerful addiction and as selfish as it may be, I don't want to have to watch him destroy himself with it. Or watch him suffering withdrawing from it. I know I've answered my own question. Just a bit gutted. For him as much as me. Alcohol is evil.

Just tell him if he stops to drinking to come back to you.

Don't get involved with him now. Maybe if he gets help and manages to maintain sobriety over a longer period then you can be with him in the future.

There is some evidence that alcoholism can be passed down, a genetic modification. That struck me most in your post, regarding his parents. Some children rebel when parents are alcoholic, rebel against alcohol and wont have it in their lives. But it doesn't seem that way with your date. This is a big choice you have to make.

It's not "selfish" to make your own self-preservation your priority. It's your job : no-one else but you is going to put you first.

Be really really firm with yourself about your own limits, because with your history of supporting addicts, and your history with this particular guy, and your soft spot for him… you are in grave danger of crumbling, of "giving him a chance", and all that that entails.