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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know how to tell him.....

26 replies

kelstar123 · 15/01/2015 21:35

this might sound a bit rambling but here goes anyway....
ive been with my partner a yr n a half or so everythings going really well and we have spoken about moving in in the future and the fact we both want another child one day....fact is I play that down how broody I am and dont know if I should tell him its something I really really want or wilk that scare him? he talks about it alot himself and we had a drunken night over xmas where he was asking me to come of the pill and start trying but in the cold light of day the next morning we decided maybe we had been a bit rash... also the other day I went to visit my friend who has just had a baby and told him id been cuddling her and had made me really broody...his response was its a good job he hadnt else we would be making a baby right now! I sometimes feel like we are both playing down how much we want this and waiting for the other to make the first move and maybe the drunken conversation we had at xmas was him trying to say how he felt under the influence ( as we all know its easier that way ) .... I love him so much and we talk about ANYTHING freely but I'm scared to say how I really feel as ive said before only that yeah id like that one day as in a long term plan.....do men get scared by women who are broody? he goes through spells of never mentioning babys to saying in every conversation how much he would like another whereas I just stay middle ground and say yeah one day that would be nice....thats a big play down on how I feel though....
sorry if im not making much sense just wondered if anyone had been in this position and had any words of wisdom :)

OP posts:

GoatsDoRoam · 15/01/2015 21:52

Get over your fear of scaring him off and have a sober, honest conversation with him.

Why are you so scared of frightening him away? Since YOU want children, if he's the kind of man who will turn tail and flee at the thought of them, then that's a good thing because the two of you would have fundamentally incompatible wishes!

Just talk to him. State what you want: children, in x timeframe. Then listen to him state whether or not he wants the same thing. Then decide if you have a future.

GoatsDoRoam · 15/01/2015 21:53

"he would like another"

So, he already has a child?
How involved a father is he?

LineRunner · 15/01/2015 21:54

You both have a child/children already? What kind of a father is he?

bendybrickpumpkinpatch · 15/01/2015 21:57

Maybr move in together beforehand ? The jump from one to two is quite a big one. Perhaps you should see how living together goes ?

Ems1812 · 15/01/2015 21:58

By the sounds of it, he has similiar feelings about this to those that you have. Just talk to him & find out what he wants.

The worst that could happen is that he may say he's not ready & as you've openly discussed children with him, he doesn't seem likely to leave you if he isn't ready. The fact that he is willing to talk about it to you shows that he takes your relationship seriously.

Go for it, even if you don't get the answer you want then at least you can put your mind at rest a little.

Chaseface · 15/01/2015 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

kelstar123 · 15/01/2015 22:01

@goatsdoroam.... I love him alot and scared that although we talk about it alot and the xmas drunk thing he may be talking about a far off plan and I'm broodier than that but will obv wait till he wants to just want to know hes totally serious about it....we both have kids...my youngest child was born out of a relationship I thought was going well I fell pregnant whilst on pill and he ran a mile never to be seen again so obv this has scarred me a bit ( he knows all this ) he is a fantastic father and is very involved in his childs life as far as his ex lets him as she is very unstable and uses the child as a weapon against him he often says he wishes I was childs mum and knows he would never have those problems with me but obv this may have scarred him too so I'm sure we r both holding back to some degree....

OP posts:

Quiero · 15/01/2015 22:04

I think to plan having children with someone when you don't live together is a bit topsy turvy. You need to have time to enjoy each other before introducing children to a relationship. They can test the strongest of couples.

And like PP's have said, what is his relationship with his other child/children like?

Quiero · 15/01/2015 22:06

Sorry x post.

he often says he wishes I was childs mum this would worry me.

Chaseface · 15/01/2015 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

kelstar123 · 15/01/2015 22:10

I agree....it just all of a sudden feels like a burning desire almost like an ache and I dont know why? obv I have never said this and play it down massively....when hes in his broody moods though ( regularly ) the way he talks about me falling pregnant seems the same like its something he would love but then we dont mention it for weeks....he is a fantastic father I cant fault him a bit and seems to totally understand my fears stemming from my last pregnancy ( babys dad dissapearing ) and is quick to reassure me that that would never happen....am I just being daft????
men dont say they are broody if they arent do they its not something ive ever experienced....

OP posts:

Original poster

kelstar123 · 15/01/2015 22:15

@chaseface....ive met her, seen/heard the constant do what I say or u wont ever see your child again msgs calls etc and spoken to his family re the torture she puts him through/the hoops he has to jump through just to see his child so I get where your coming from but in this case im positive he is a good father as I am there to pick up the pieces everytime she stops him seeing his child when he doesnt give in to her mainly ludicrous demands...

OP posts:

LineRunner · 15/01/2015 22:19

No, I would not have a child with this man.

Original poster

kelstar123 · 15/01/2015 22:22

@linerunner....whys that? pls explain how you know that already from what I have said and not knowing him?

OP posts:

Quiero · 15/01/2015 22:23

It sounds controlling to me. Why is he so keen for you to get pregnant ahead of moving in together, planning for the future, joining up finances, marriage (if that's what you're in to), holidays, fun stuff.

How old are you both?

LineRunner · 15/01/2015 22:25

You wouldn't be posting here if you were sure. You are not being daft.

Chaseface · 15/01/2015 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

kelstar123 · 15/01/2015 22:29

@queiro....ok different spin on it...?
we are both in our 30s were friends for ages before getting together...we have spoken about moving in together etc marriage is not a big thing for me and him either its not the be all and end all...Im not saying he is bugging me to get pregnant else I wouldnt have the questions I have about whether we are both holding back only that when he does talk about having another child with me he does seem very into it like its something hes given alot of thought to privately rather than just a 'yeah one day that would be nice' comment...but then it isnt mentioned for weeks/months

OP posts:

Original poster

kelstar123 · 15/01/2015 22:33

thank you for your replies....I feel really confused now though? I love this man to bits I have never considered he might be controlling ( and have been with a v.emotionally abusive/controlling man before and a a man who was physically abusive to me) was totally trusting in the fact hes as far away from these 2 people than I ever thought was possible....

OP posts:

bumpertobumper · 15/01/2015 22:33

how old are you? asking because if you are in mid to late thirties then the urgency would be more rational (for want of a better word), but if you are younger then there is less need to rush (I know difficulty conceiving can happen anytime but ykwim).
move in with him, let him know a child together is a priority, but don't rush into it until you have lived together for a while -you learn a lot about someone living together.
You are tuned in enough to your feelings that you acknowledge that previous experiences are affecting your actions - try to step back and rationalise them. you are scared to say how much you want a baby in case he runs away, but for your sake don't be hasty and have one immediately, but do talk to him about how important it is to you. if he is on the same page the reassurance will probably make it less of a pressing issue for you.

Quiero · 15/01/2015 22:35

Kel we can only go on what you tell us and how we perceive what you're saying, I appreciate you aren't asking for the answers we're giving.

Marriage isn't at all important but surely some kind of living together arrangement would come before pregnancy? It's just logical. Broach that and then the broodiness.

Sundayplease · 15/01/2015 22:38

It seems daft to start trying for a baby when you are not living together. What if you became pregnant straight away? Would he move in then? What about your/his kids? Where do they fit in to all this? What about work/finances etc?

Why don't you make other plans first to be sure your relationship is strong enough? Start talking yes, but hold back a bit longer.

Quiero · 15/01/2015 22:38

If he shows no other EA or controlling behaviour then we're probably wrong

Just be careful though because if you've been in abusive relationships it can be hard to set your bar high enough.

Chaseface · 15/01/2015 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoatsDoRoam · 15/01/2015 22:45

You sound completely insecure and tortured about the whole business.

If this were a straightforward and sound relationship the kind you could happily bring a child into then you would not be posting the things you are posting.

Listen to your gut.
There's something not quite right about the way he's dropping meaningful comments, but not having a straightforward conversation, isn't there?
There's something unsettling and confusing about him asking you to come off the pill in a moment of apparent passion, but then backtracking the next morning, no?

So you're twisting yourself in knots trying to understand this, trying to guess his intentions and whether they match your hoped-for future.

It really shouldn't be a headfuck like this. If he were ready and willing to raise children with you, you would know it, and be confident about it, because you and he would have spoken about it sensibly and he would have given you all the spoken and implicit assurances that you need.

Don't have children with a man you don't feel completely confident about.

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