How to react to this?

[fluffymouse]

Background: My brother is in his mid 20s, and has thus far not worked a day in his life. Since finishing uni 3 years ago he has lived with my parents. They pay for everything for him, including his expensive hobbies. He does not even claim job seekers allowance as presumably that would be too much 'work' for him. He has made nominal effort to find a job, and turned down the single job offer he has had in this time. In theory he should be very employable as he has a good degree, but he lacks motivation to find a job.

I have tried to help him by offering to put him in touch with friends in his desired field, tried discussing ways to improve his CV etc. I have also asked my parents when they will stop supporting him as they are enabling his behaviour.

I just found out that I wasn't invited to his birthday dinner at my parents' house as he didn't want me there. I find this very hurtful, especially as a relative visiting from abroad is currently staying, and I would have liked to see her too. I have told my parents this hurt me, and as it is their house they could have invited me.

I bought him a nice, expensive, present. I'm tempted to try to return it now. My parents don't seem to care at all how upsetting this is for me. It is part of a larger picture of them doing everything for him, while often telling me not to visit as dd (4) is too active for them.

Wwyd?

I'd take his present back, get him a token gift, and spend the money treating DD.

Do as Gilbert says.

To be honest, they know your stance on things. Sounds like parents are happy to support the 'golden boy' and its ultimately their decision if they wish to continue this. I would find it incredible hurtful for my parents to treat my brother so well while effectively telling me to stay away due to my child. Seems rather odd.

I would suggest you just leave it be. When he is motivated to try to find a job- either by his own accord or your parents pressure- then that will be his time to find a job. You won't come across well by being the pushy sister.

Sounds like he's a golden child, ditch the present and send a card. He's a grown up , he's made his preference obvious .

I think it's tricky to tackle this kind of thing without looking resentful or jealous. However his behaviour is appalling and I think they must realise they are making a balls up. If I were you I would stop offering help to your brother and instead offer help to your parents. Go on a charm offensive, invite them to your home, show them a good time and privately discuss - adult to adult - ways in which they might tackle the problem.

It sounds as if you don't get on with your brother? That you are cross with your parents about their help to him? Presumably your brother doesn't get on with you either? On that front maybe it's not surprising that you weren't invited? Not nice, admittedly. But not surprising?

But then I don't know all of the details... How far do you live from your parents? Who was invited to the dinner?

As your post goes on it seems as if you are actually more cross with your parents than with your brother. And then finally you say your parents often ask you not to visit because of your DD! Tbh this is the bit that I feel so awful for you on.

I am no expert on relationships but it sounds as if you have some damaged relationships within your family. I wish I could suggest some ways to help you mend them. (((Hugs)))

In doing this though you may have to face up to things you don't like about yourself. Or things other people haven't liked you doing. I wouldn't be surprised if your brother is not at all pleased for your help with his job and doesn't see it as help but maybe interference and judgemental? Are you the elder sibling? Did you generally do well (better?) at school? You say you've asked your parents to stop helping him. You say this is because they are enabling his lack of job but is it jealousy from you? What do your parents do to help you? Financially? Time wise? Effort wise?

Also, you say you wanted to see a visiting relative but your brother's birthday shouldn't be a vehicle for facilitating what you wanted to do. Surely you could have made a separate arrangement to see this relative?

I am not deliberately trying to upset or annoy you but with siblings there are often two very different sides to things. Perhaps if you can manage to see your brother's point of view it might help you to bridge these differences you have. Good luck

Dd is very active, but equally happy to be engaged with activities which interest her. My parents live in a townhouse with lots of stairs and I'm currently crippled with SPD. They make no effort to engage with her, and have even said they think she doesn't like them! Which is ridiculous as a 4 year old will like anyone who makes effort with them.

I accept I should stop asking them when this will stop with my brother.

I just feel like there is a huge disparity between their treatment of us. I have always worked since finishing uni and don't get or expect any support from them, but to reject me like this is quite hurtful.

How do you feel your relationship is with your parents? Could you talk to them about any of this? Could you say that you feel there is this huge disparity? Could you suggest ways for them to engage with your DD? Or would such conversations not go down well?

On the other hand even if such conversation didn't go down well it doesn't sound as if things are going well anyway so perhaps you haven't got much to lose?!

Sorry to hear about spd. Sounds hideous.

Do you have a partner at home? What is their take on this?

bexster my parents live a 10 minute drive away. I don't know who else was invited.

I am the elder sibling. He did better at primary school, but I did better at secondary, getting very good GCSEs and a levels. Not sure how this is relevant though?

I did make arrangements to see this relative at other times, but as she lives a long way away and is quite frail it would have been nice to see again before she left.

My parents do nothing for me financially. I have a reasonably well paid job. They only help out with childcare in an emergency.

Just asking about the age and school stuff because there can be resentment on part of younger sibling (s ) in such cases and then your trying to help wouldn't be seen as help but you being superior or interfering... I speak as the eldest of four :/

Well tbh it sounds like your family are really not being very good to you at all. I'm so sorry. It must be crushing :(

Do you think they'd be receptive to conversation?

I have tried speaking to them on the phone about how hurtful it was I wasn't invited, but they don't want to hear it. In fact they hung up the phone on me.

I have tried to suggest ways for them to engage with dd but it comes down to them not being willing to make the effort. They prefer to ignore her when she visits, then complain about her making a mess/running around. I also get constant criticism of my parenting.

Oh fluffymouse that makes me so sad. I'm sorry I've not had any sensible suggestions. It just doesn't sound fair at all. It would make me want to behave like a stroppy screaming teenager. Not that that would help of course. I hope someone on here has some sensible advice.

Take his present back and have nothing further to do with either him or his enabler parents. That may sound harsh but you have been really badly treated here by all of them and this dynamic goes back many years as well. He has likely always been favoured whereas you may well have been "trusted" i.e. left to get on with it.

Re this comment:-
"I have tried to help him by offering to put him in touch with friends in his desired field, tried discussing ways to improve his CV etc"

I can see why you did that (my DH did similar because he is also a reasonable person and his brother is narcissistic) but please do not do this at all now. That is also enabling your brother and that only gives you a false sense of control.

Your parents and brother are all part of the overall dysfunctional narcissistic family dynamic. He is their favoured "golden child" and you are the scapegoat for their inherent ills. Such people really should not be around your child.

They are not interested in you nor will be willing to listen to anything that you say about either them or your brother no matter how reasonably or nicely worded. They just want to continue their own roles in their dysfunctional family dynamic.

Ouch that sounds really hurtful and I would be smarting if I was in your situation. Could you maybe write a calm letter to your parents telling them you are feeling hurt at being excluded from the family with your DD, that you feel they are treating you and your brother unequally, and that their enabling him financially is preventing him from growing up and taking responsibility for himself?
Then maybe give yourself a break from it all by staying out of contact and let them think it over.
Their response will tell you how the future is likely to pan out. You may find he is still there in twenty years time, but there is nothing you can do about it if they are happy.

I sympathise as out of my 6 DC /step DC we have one who isn't supporting himself and I am acutely aware he is treated more favourably financially. The rest could quite reasonably complain we subsidise him.

You need to separate out the issues with your brother and the issues with your parents. They may overlap in places but they aren't the same.

My advice is:

Don't return the present and give it to him.

I say that for a number of reasons:

1. You went to the trouble of finding it and getting it - so you may as well give it to him.

2.If you don't and you take it back, it will become a big festering "AND WHATS MORE I WAS SO UPSET I TOOK HIS PRESENT BACK". It will become an even more unpleasant memory and is exacerbated by this unusual step.

1. Plus its nice and kind to give someone a present - gift giving is not actually about reciprocation of anything.

1. If you have a suspicion he has a problem with you (didn't invite you to his birthday dinner), it puts you in a good position to take the moral high ground and give him his present.

1. It may help smooth over your relationship with your brother.

1. Even if you are hurt (which I can see that you are and justifiably so) it would be very petty and small minded to return a gift in a fit of pique.

Have you thought about writing a very short and non-confrontational letter to your parents? Saying you were hurt, why and that you are writing because you felt they weren't listening?

Leaving the brother issue aside for a moment, it doesn't sound like your parents are very kind to you at all. Or appreciative of your DD.

Are you sure you want to have much to do with any of them?

Your parents sound quite dismissive of you, and undermining: excluding you, not listening to your upset, hanging up on you, denying you financial support that they lavish on your brother, viewing your child as an annoyance, …

So now they're supporting your feckless brother, while also colluding with him to exclude you from family events. Frankly, leave the 3 of them to it, interact with them as little as possible, and live your own life on your own terms. Most likely your brother will sponge off them for as long as they live, and find himself a woman who will take over the role of providing for him in the interim.

You do not need to become part of this train wreck. Just look to shielding your own little family unit from it as much as possible, by not interfering, and not providing any kind of help or advice whatsoever (in fact you will have to be prepared to be firm and say no when your parents and/or brother expect you to do favors for him and bail him out).

And definitely stop trying to have your friends help him find work, as that is a recipe for losing those friends: were they to find him work, he will most likely let them down in some way, and you might well be resented for it.