Lost & confused after DH affair

[lostmummy12]

Hi, new here so be gentle,
I found out my hd of almost 10yrs was having an affair with a work colleague 6 months ago,
It had been going on ( on & off) for about a year, and I had been suspicious most of that time, but never had enough "evidence" whenever I confronted him.
We have decided to try to work things thru, but 6 months in and it's still so hard,
He still works with ow,although hardly sees her( difficult to change jobs as his job is fairly specialised) so I know that doesn't help me,
He is doing everything right, leaving phone, emails accessible (although I don't want to check them anymore if we are going to move on) taking time to spend with me & kids, planning holidays, plans for future, cuddles, space when I needit etc etc,
But the problem now is me,
I feel so sad & down & numb all the time,
I can't get excited/happy about anything, not even just with the kids,
Feel like I'm in a fog all the time, not real life.

We haven't told anyone about what's happened as I felt if we were going to try to move on, then other friends/families opinions wouldn't help, but I feel now like I have this big horrible secret that I carrying all the time.

Sorry for the ramble, though it may help to write some of this down..

You need to tell someone. I know what it's like to worry - that they'll judge you for staying, that it'll affect their opinion of him, all that stuff. But you need someone to talk to, to support you, to be able to go to with worries. It's a huge, huge thing that you're doing and you deserve to have someone you can turn to who's just there to support YOU in it.

Also - not saying you should do this, but you absolutely have the right to say that you have tried, and that you find yourself unable to move past it. You don't 'owe' it to him to forgive him, just because you said you'd try. It sounds like you're doing everything you can, but even if he's also doing everything he can, sometimes it just isn't enough, and that's ok.

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time. Betrayal is such a traumatic thing and the effects are long lasting. At first it's a shock, your world is knocked off its axis, you're angry, upset, hurt beyond measure.... and the person you'd normally cleave to in a crisis is the one who has caused it all. Then you start to rally... he appears to be sorry, you're relieved that he doesn't want to leave you, the shock subsides and you start to think there is a way to rescue things and get it all back to how it was before. So you go with it, you make the effort, you put on a great Christmas for the kids etc.

Then it hits you

It's not normal. It's not how it was before. It will never be the same. Like the character played by Emma Thompson says in 'Love Actually' you get that sinking realisation that ilife will always be 'a little bit worse.' It's quite depressing and this is the point at which I think a lot of people decide to call it a day.

Firstly I am so sorry you're going through this.

I imagine that the 'fog' you feel has a lot to do with the fact that you haven't been able to talk to anyone about any of this. You should not be in that position just to protect your husband's reputation. Frankly he doesn't deserve it. You have nothing to be ashamed of and it is awful that you have been carrying this burden.

Have you been able to talk to a counsellor at least? Betrayal like this is such a massive thing to go through and you need more than the support of the person who did this to you (however hard they might be trying). I would really encourage you to talk to a professional or at least one of your closest friends / family member.

You also need to think about what YOU want. Why are you staying with him? Can you imagine a life without him? How does that look? Is the pain you feel worth it to stay with him? These are all things you need to ask yourself - put yourself as the priority for a while and do some soul searching.

I never thought I could be without him / be a single parent but I am and I have never been happier.

Sorry just to add. When I say I have never been happier, I mean in myself. I am only responsible for myself and my children and it feels good. I obviously have some awful days but I would have had an awful life if I had stayed with him.

Thanks all, it's oddly (but sadly) reassuring to know others have frlt, or do feel the same way.
Some days are fine, I hardly think about it & can see how things could be good again, other days I wake up and think awful thoughts all day, snipe and moan at dh about all sorts all day and make little comments about affair all day, which I know isn't healthy , and makes me feel even worse..
I think I do this to text him, see if he will shout / walk away etc, but he just tries to hug & reassure me & then ends up crying about how much he has ruined everything, how ashamed he is & how all he wants is to see me be happy and smile again.
I know I don't owe it to him to hide the affair, but a friends affair was revealed over Xmas, and the reactions & opinions of friends and family, & all the gossiping behind their backs has made me realise that I don't want that being done/said about me/us/my family,
I have started being more selfish about life, and have told dh that that is how I wNt to be now, as I've always gone along with stuff for a quiet life,
As for the Emma Thompsin thing, I feel just like that, used to live that film but think I'd be a blubbering wreck if I ever tried to watch it again!!
It's hard as I've never stopped loving him, he says he never stopped loving me, it was the typical ego boost /fwb type thing...., but I think it's the respect I had for him that I've lost, I looked up to him as someone who worked hard for us, wanted to protect us, and I find that really hard to over come,
X

Sorry for typos, typing on phone!! #fatfingers

Lostmummy12 so sorry this has happened and you are feeling so down. My DH had an affair 6 yrs ago. We stayed together and some days it was difficult, especially early on, but mostly it was ok because I loved DH and felt loved by DH in return. Six years (and 2 more DC later!) and I have never been happier. I don't think that things are forever "a little bit worse" for us, though for some that might be true.

It's not good to stay in a relationship where you are unhappy and insecure. But if your relationship is otherwise a happy one I would trust your judgement and try to move forward. Many many people have affairs. Some relationships fail and many don't.

Good luck. Whatever you decide I hope you find your happiness again

All you did was keep his dirty secret and suffer the result of having to keep that to yourself when you are the innocent party, surely you have at least one friend you could confide in, I don't know how you kept that quiet, nice for him, shit for you.

Sorry but not all of us can get over an affair, I know I couldn't, they still bloody work together, how do you really know he's not seeing much of her, you don't.

It may be that you are actually starting to realise that he just isn't worth the pain and struggle you are still going to have to go through - to get to a place where you actually feel happy.

No shame in throwing in the towel, he broke it, you will never trust him again like you did before the affair, you might be able to carry on living with him, but you will never get that trust back.

Your feelings are perfectly valid.

You are in mourning.

Your marriage died.

You can build a new relationship if you want to and it can be very good however what you had is gone forever.

Be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself.

It will either get better with time or eventually you will realise you want out.

I know what you mean about the gossip. Is there someone you could talk to who you can trust not to tell other people? What's your relationship with your mum like? I just think it's important to be able to go to someone who loves you and wail when you're having a bad day - someone who won't judge or think it's news for the rest of the world.

It does sound like your DH is genuinely contrite and wishes it had never happened, and wants to work it out - which helps.

Sometimes it helps to try to separate out the feelings about what your DH actually did from the ego-wound that you've suffered as a result. It sounds like he's trying to help you feel secure again, and that's good, but it's important to recognise what a massive blow this is to your ego, not just to your relationship as a couple. He does need to help you repair that any way he can, but I also think that a lot of the healing comes with with work you put in yourself - which is really unfair, because it wasn't your fault! But there it is. I think what you said about being more selfish is a good thing - do things that make you feel good about you. He's done something that made you question your own value, and you need to rebuild that, to know, for sure, that you ARE valuable, not just to him but to yourself.

Time also helps - especially with his continued support. Six months is not long, in the scheme of things, so don't worry that you're not 'fine'. Nobody would expect you to be 'fine' already.

Sorry, does that sound like a bunch of new age babble? Sorry if so.

I am sorry you are going through this. My sister's partner had a workplace affair 5 years ago. She, like you, didn't want anyone to know, but, confided in me about 3 months after the affair ended. They are still together and happy. However, he still works with the ow and this still causes my sister some anxiety. My bil completely blanks the ow and, luckily, does not work directly with her. She stopped trying to contact him about 3 years ago, but, strangly, tried to talk to my sister at a recent work function , general chat trying to be friendly. That set my sis back a bit.
Please confide in someone, just one person. It will help and you need to put yourself first.

Grumblina, think those are wise words, I do tell him I feel like a mug for staying ( something I always said I never would), I think my ego is hurt and I need to find me again,
He had a year of being selfish & I feel I deserve the same in a way??
It is the little things that set me back - condom adverts on TV, affairs on TV, songs on radio ( never knew so many were so depressing til now!!) and then I start looking on Internet for how I should be feeling 6 months on & what he should be doing etc etc
I will try to talk to a friend, just so hard as we were the couple that were always so close, had lots of sex and did lots of fun stuff together and whenever I was feeling insecure about him, friends Wouk always say that I was silly as everyone could see how much he loved me....

I think sometimes, no matter how much both parties want it, a marriage just can't survive an affair. You can't turn emotions off.

Oh Dear! Oh Dear! I went through similar feelings myself (my case is worst: the affair resulted in a child and the disclosure came when the child was close to her sixth birthday....)
To tell or not to tell to others about the affair? JP artre the French philosopher said that the hell is in the eyes of others. But remember the power that the others have is as strong as the one you give them. Do not empower them. If you want to tell- tell about the affair; not to everybody though: you got your emotional boundaries too and you are entitled to your private life; if you do not want to tell, do not tell. What did I do?
1- I have daughters in their twenties- I told them (as information mainly- I do not want them to be my emotional support- I am the mum.) I did not ask my daughters to keep it as a secrete. I did tell them not to spread it freely though. It is important to have boundaries in every aspect of life even in openness. But I did not go behind telling them whom to tell and whom not to tell. One of my daughters spoke about it to many people- in the neighborhood. Her right. Neither me not him commented on this. And you know what? her best friend started then talking about all the problems her parents went through as a couple....They were the perfect family.... I personally care about others only when my actions might hurt them and only to make them feel good about themselves if possible. Otherwise they are absolutely free to gossip about us if they do not have a life of their own. I was the first to freely speak about my kids ADD and other problems at school; a mum from the school who befriended me and who got a kid with LD advised me not to do so; I did not follow her advice; and now so many mums are coming out of' the closet' about their kids' difficulties that even this mum started opening up....
2- I also talked to a couple; in fact both were his best friends from his teens. I even took the little boys and spent a wonderful 10 days with them in GErmany. They were wonderful. I chose to talk to them because I know that they love him. In fact they hope than within a couple of years we will be resuming our romantic relationship (now it is sexless. I am not attracted to him. He does not force me. He does not want to have another affair although I really would not care now. It is fair as I do not want sex, even not cuddle- no physical stuff at all..). Btw I was surprised to hear that the dad of the husband (in this couple) cheated on his mum and left the house for a while. My husband was also surprised by this......
So you know like a friend of my daughters said: every family has its own little secrete....
3- I found a wonderful friend on this site MUMSNET. I talk to her a lot about the affair and about other things. I love her. She is very positive dynamic and make me feel good about myself without disparaging him.
So to whom to talk? Well maybe you can find a nice priest in your area and talk to him even if you are not religious. It is important that you chose someone who will deeply respect both of you without talking some cheap talks of forgiveness etc etc
Here the advice I always give my daughters: people might do the unthinkable to you but it is up to you to let it destroy you or to sail by it and through it with some slight scratches and scars only. Moreover we are not defined by the situations we find ourselves in but only by our reactions to these situations.
Be strong. Find someone to talk to. It is important to keep the family together. Wonderful to have family events when the children are still kids and when they are adults with their own family.
Now on the personal level: I am not romantically attracted to him anymore since he disclosed to me the affair. No sex since then. I am happy. I do yoga- zumba- I read a lot etc etc I do not feel I have to do stuff just because it will make him happy - I now take into account all of us my kids and myself when I make decisions. Like you, I do not trust his decisions. I do not trust that he knows to protect the natural boundaries that must be built around the nuclear family to make all its members feel secure. I try to make him work on himself. The book that helped me a lot is : How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J MacDonald. He must read it and you must read it. Try to work along its principles. It is really good. It kind of helped me clearing the confusion and emotional storm I was in at the start. I cannot say that everything is fine now: there are triggers- hey in my case there is a little child, an innocent child, and there are difficult times but it is Ok the pain is less and less frequent an less and less strong.
So what what might help? Find to whom to talk (do not talk to family memebers- they take sides- as I said above it is better to talk to decent people who love both of you equally and who do not think they have a ready made solution to your problems.)
It helps. Find stuff you like and do them. In short define yourself by your own individual daily behaviors and guiding principals, independently of him. KEEP FAR OF THE VICTIM IMAGE! DO NOT ALLOW THIS AFFAIR TO NEGATIVELY DEFINE YOU. On the contrary: prove yourself that you can overcome it and find happiness independently of him (that does not mean you separate from him; it is important to keep the family together; it just mean that within your family you now build your own little private garden)/ I love my morning coffee- my books- my kids hugs- joking with friends- talking to random people- my evening glass of wine- my walks- my yoga and zumba classes- etc etc little things make life beautiful. ANd NO! things do not deteriorate- they just become better- believe me- Good Luck.

Thanks for all the comments and advice, lots to take in and think about,
DH has offered couples counselling and its me that keeps saying no,
Maybe it's because I'm scared to hear it all again, and scared of more details/revelations even though he says there is nothing more to know...
Weekend I have been feeling more positive, it really is up & down in my head at the moment, and when I decide to "be happy/positive " I can be, but it does have to be a concious decision each day, which is hard work,
But then I guess it's gonna be hard work for a good while,

Some great advice here that I shall take on board and think over,
Thank you all xx