Thanks to all the ladies around who helped me in the summer when I was so down. You called him CONNARD and it helped me and it helped my daughter who wrote on the thread.
So you deserve to be updated: I AM OK ABSOLUTELY OK AND SO ARE MY KIDS. The only victims as at now are: My kids' father and the little child.
Summary of our tough case: it was an affair and a child resulted from the affair-the mum KNOWS ME AND THE KIDS (I know who she is- My kids and I met her before the affair started- so did my kids- she was very attracted by my kids!!!!...) She was close to her 4os, in love with him and desperately wanted a kid before it was too late for her. So he agreed to have sex without protection because he thought the chances that she would become pregnant are small given her age (he based his estimates on the fact that I had big difficulties conceiving at that age, and so did many of our friends...) and BINGO one unprotected romp and the lady is pregnant. And no she did not want to have an abortion. He did not run away and took his parental responsibilities seriously....but he was not honest with his original family: us. although the affair stopped a long time ago he did not disclose it and did not disclose the birth of the child until August 2014, and the child is now 6 years old. He is a good father (he is very good with all the kids; my kids' friends like him) and as such never stopped meeting the OC, talking to her on the phone and telling her that he loves her, and even taking her and her mum on holidays (separate rooms in hotels- I have access to all the history BTW- he does not lie or hide anything anymore) without us knowing. It is a good point in his favor- I must say. It is also a good point that he confessed, on his own that he agreed to remove the condom at her multiple requests....It was an accident only because he is a risk taking kind of person.
At the start neither I nor my daughters wanted to hear about the other kid. Now I understand that she is a victim- just like my husband . NO I DO NOT FEEL I AM A VICTIM. MY KIDS ARE NOT VICTIMS. ON THE CONTRARY/ HE IS BECOMING A BETTER DAD- AND I LOOK AT MY PAST BEHAVIOR AND I AM PROUD up to the first weeks after the disclosure when I went mad- but I forgive myself; it was like I had to tear him off me- it was a big physical pain- we are together since end of 1985!!!! .
AND THANK YOU THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WONDERFUL WOMEN FOR YOUR BIG HUG AND SUPPORT!
I must admit that at no time he blamed me for the affair. He blames the distance, and his risk taking behavior.
He is a victim because he is sad for his OC to grow fatherless with this woman. He found her interesting to start with because she came from a different culture, an Arab-Alaoui milieu, she was even homeless at some stage but was fighting to improve her condition. When he wanted to break with her (she always knew that he loves me and is a devoted father- that is something that attracted her I believe), she started converting to his religion on her own whim despite her hostile milieu, and begged him to continue to meet her every so often whilst on her lonely path to convert (I trust everything he says- I got proofs + my guts + my knowledge of who he is- he is a good hearted person attracted to dissident characters and is used to help all kind of people, men and women who are in the guts and try to get out of it...) ...He thought she deeply wanted to tear herself off her milieu but he now realizes that it was a ploy to have him and she is dishonest and very controlling with her kid and no-one in her milieu knows that he is a married father and that she converted. So this other woman does not want him to meet the kid anymore, because she is afraid the child will discover the truth and because he wants to meet the kid without the mum. Of course the OW is not telling anyone that she seduced a married father and she is afraid that the daughter- and thus all her milieu- will know about it. She knows me and knows my kids. We met her well before the affair, as I said before. (She was his room-mate for about a year before the affair started. I remember her- I was nice to her and I tried to stress her interesting sides to him when we used to visit him. He was not interested by her. He was deep in his job- this apparently changed when we stopped visiting him...)
BTW it was his decision well before he disclosed the affair to me that he would meet the kid without the mum. Not my request: I really do not care if he wants to meet the mum as well. I do not fight for men. I really would not have minded if he left me, or if he will leave me. In fact it might have made it easier for me. I would have said to the kids. Well he left me, what can I do? just continue being your loving and caring mum and allowing him to be your loving and caring father...clean situation...Now the kids see clearly that he loves me deeply is happy to comply to all my requests (financial requests- changes in his behavior) as long as I allow him to have a small space in our family home, close to me and the kids. He knows that I have been hurt deeply hurt and the OC might be trigger. So he accepts all my conditions but has some red lines: I should not prevent him to keep contacts with the OC and to try to be a good father to her as well, and I should allow him to be himself when he deals with the kids. GOOD POINTS IN HIS FAVOR! He is more and more open to suggestions about how to be a better dad. (He is a man and can sometimes be very tough and very uncompromising with the kids.)
From their e-mails letters it is quite clear that she knew that for him it was just an affair an 'adventure' because he was far away from me and the kids for long periods. (Remark: He was not always with her when he was away from home. His job took him to different countries. In other countries he was not sharing his flat with anyone. I know for sure. He never was with her more than 2/3 weeks in a row- and these weeks were quite far-apart.)
Anyway the only circumstances that might make the affair a bit bearable are the facts that:
1- we were in different countries for long stretches of time,
2- we were both extremely stressed- he was away for work-related reasons, I could not join him as much as he begged for because our 4 kids needed me when the affair happened-
3- he never cheated on me before, even when attractive ladies tried to seduce him, he does not try to find excuses to himself-
4- he is disappointed and 'disgusted' by his behavior; he was having black-out and health problems (although he is strongly built and very healthy) in the past seven years and the kids and I thought that it was job-related and family-related (his mum is going through tough days) .
5- he is reckless in his behaviors: he is a risk-taking person who loves challenges and has no fears and no boundaries when he is involved in solving some challenging situations (and boy he is very attracted to challenging situations...)
6- He does compartmentalize a lot- he had to when he was a child because of some family problem. (His mum was under medication when she was pregnant with his sister and his sister was born with a lot of problems and did not make life easy for him- neither did his mum- but he is very good to his sister- even not- he helps her a lot and in fact raised his niece...)
Still I have no romantic feelings for him. I like him a lot. I somehow forgave him. The OC is part of our family life. I can say that I do enjoy my life a lot. He is even becoming a better man. (He has always been a very good fellow- helping the colleagues below him to climb up, helping other acquaintances and family members whenever he can. As I said he is even becoming better.) But....
Good friends from his teens - who absolutely love him because of his kindness and generosity and self-abnegation, but also know his risk-taking behavior and his lack of boundaries when he immerses himself in new social/physical or intellectual situations (he likes challenges)- beg me not to harden my heart and to let time heals my heart and to give him another chance in a couple of months/years .....I will keep you updated. (I did not go to any counseling- I bought books- We talked a lot- He was good- Like many men he does not like to talk a lot but he does big efforts and is very open- he is willing to talk to me whenever I feel the need even when he is at work etc etc - He never tries to find an excuse to his behavior- He finds it appalling- he just tries to explain it by saying that he was so far away from us for so long and the OW had so many problems and he was convinced that he could help her solve them without harming me (challenges!!!!)...Lack of boundaries and some kind of lack of modesty and reckless behavior: some of the personality features he has to work hard to soften....Bye now, sorry for the rambles and THANK YOU THANK YOU WOMEN _ I AM SO HAPPY TO HAVE HERE AROUND