What do I say to my DC about my non-contact father?

[macnab]

My father was emotionally abusive throughout my childhood, mostly towards my poor mum but we (and in particular, I, being the oldest) witnessed it all. I won't go into all the ins and outs of his behaviour over many years, but suffice to say it was pretty appalling and didn't end well. Over 10 years ago my mum finally broke, things were scary but she got shot of him and since then I've had zero contact.

My own children are 7 and 5 and have never seen him and of course I have no intention of them ever meeting. They have occasionally asked about who my father is, or do they have another grandad (they love DH's father) and so far I've just said "he's gone" and changed the subject. DS is now asking a few more questions and I just wonder what exactly I should say to him. Last night I told him that he'd gone away. When asked why I said well he wasn't a very nice person or a good daddy, I don't know where he is (that part is a lie, I do know but thankfully never see him) He started to ask more questions and I got a bit flustered and replied that I didn't really want to talk about it because it made me sad.

I'm not really sure how best to handle it. I'd rather be honest with them about everything, but at the same time I don't want to scare or worry them.

How do other people deal with this?

Am also in this position
Keeping my place for ideas

I handled this with my my son by saying that the person I am NC with didn't act well, that they weren't nice towards me and kept on saying mean things. When people do that, we don't have to keep talking to them. It isn't ok to treat people like that.

As he got older I expanded it to say that it isn't ok to be mean and keep on being mean. If they say Sorry and promise to be nicer, we can talk again. But that I don't want to talk to them until they do say Sorry because I don't like it when she calls me names a lot.

My older son (6) rather intelligently said "but you can say sorry to them". I explained that I had tried to talk to them and to sort the initial problem out but that they didn't want to; and that if you have done nothing wrong then it isn't up to you to say sorry, it's up to them.

I took this approach because I want my son(s) to learn that you don't have to take endless nastiness but that reconciliation is possible if you both want it and if someone is willing to apologise. If reconciliation isn't possible then I'd have said they did bad things and it can't be made right, so we can't be in contact.

As it happens I think the person I'm NC with has some deepseated ishoos - in fact I know they have - and while I'm sad not to be in contact I'm also rather relieved.

Hi OP
Would you feel comfortable telling them the truth? that he was a very bad man who hurt granny for a long time. So you all decided it was better not to see him. Sometimes talking about it makes you sad but you're so happy that they have a lovely grandad (Dfil) that is a good person and loves them very much.

Thanks for the replies. Yes I would like to keep responses along those lines, but my DS tends to carry on asking more probing questions! I should be glad that he's intelligent and interested I suppose! I have no regrets at all about being nc with my father, I dread to think of the influence he would be on them or what they may end up witnessing if he were still in our lives.

It's difficult when they're curious but still to young to handle the truth. Just be honest and say they're never going to meet with you, but if they choose to as an adult they may one day.

My eldest asks occasionally about my mother. I say similar to what PPs have, she was mean to me and made me sad, and I don't think she liked me very much. So we don't want someone like her in our lives if she can't be kind and nice.

He doesn't really go with follow up questions. What type of q's does your son ask? It's a bit hard to advise without knowing.

watching with interest - in a similar situation

My DM explained the absence of one of my grannies as 'she isn't a very nice person'. Extra questions were not answered until I got old enough to understand. It's only been relatively recently that I've understood the true extent of her criminal behaviour

I think for me the principle is never to lie to them, but to cut the truth down to their age. And try hard to dodge some of the more awkward questions like "what exactly did she call you". "Ill tell you more when you are older" might have been used once or twice.

I did tell him the ostensible cause of the falling out, though in retrospect I think she was desperate to pick a fight and anything would have done. Nothing you can do in that situation, anything you do will be wrong and used against you

I'm in the same position. DD is 3 and has already asked who my daddy is I didn't know what to say to her.

I am as honest as possible with my DC. It has to be age-appropriate of course.

From their point of view, they need to know that DGM is a very mean person who is a bad mother. They have to know that cutting someone off is not done lightly. They need to understand that I would not do it to them if they were very naughty. DM is a whole different level. And is a grown up who should know better.

My 9 year old asks more and more probing questions. I think this is because he finds the whole concept of toxic parents to be so far from his own experience.

I think it is healthy for children to know that some people behave in a bad way sometimes. Then discuss and learn how to deal with it. You do them no favours by pretending everything is awesome. Obviously the wording and level of detail has to be age-appropriate.

Interestingly, he notices bad parental behaviour more than his friends seem to do and asks me about whether my DM was like that.

For example, last summer he and younger brother witnessed a mum screaming in the face of her toddler that she was "a worthless piece of shit" because she had got some ice-cream on her top. He quietly asked me about it afterwards.

He noticed that one of his friends speaks to his mum in a horrible way and "does not get banned from the Xbox for all week!!!" He also noticed that the friend's dad does the same. I have stopped him going there to play because I feel it is too much for him to handle as he can't let it lie, which I am proud of. Plenty of other children go there to play but don't seem to be bothered. I am glad that he notices it is wrong and won't enable it. I am sure that comes from our conversations about my DM and her family.

I find it helps to say the truth to myself in my head then simplify and simplify in my head until I can put the truth into words that are suitable for the age of the child. I make a conscious effort to not minimise or excuse, which of course, DM trained me to do for decades so tends to creep back in if I feel worried about discussing her behaviour. When my DC ask a question, I say "That is a tricky question for me. I need a few minutes to think how to answer it." because it can take me a while to gather my thoughts.

I told my dc that mum and granny had an argument as granny wasn't nice to me, and so I've decided I don't want us to see granny because she's not a nice person.

Dc hav accepted that pretty well.

We had to be in a room with her at my brother's wedding 18 months ago. She blanked me and dh. Dd1 decided to talk to her (age 13) and her granny was distant, dismissive and compared dd1 (unfavourably) to my sister's partner's son of the same age.

So now dd1 can see what I've told her is true.

Hopefully we'll never see her again (last possible family event we'd share barring premature funerals) and the dc have seen why we have no contact!

(And so have you, mother, once again if you are still wasting your life stalking me on the internet!)

I just said my NC people were given lots of chances and treated me in a way I wouldn't allow anyone to treat my DD or DH and so I wouldn't allow it either.

Same situation, only with my mother. Emotionally physically abusive neglectful alcoholic. She met DDs when they were 3 years and 6 months old. Tried for a year. Waste of time. Was previously NC from 20-24, prior to that 16-20 extremely little contact, in contact between 25-26. NC again from 26 onwards. Won't waste my time again. All 4 of my younger sisters see her regularly and have a very different relationship with her. I just tell my DDs who are 6 and 4 that she is not a nice person who was very horrible to me. She moans to all and sundry about not seeing my DDs but she started playing the same games - favouring my sisters son in front of them. Nope. Just fucking nope. Put a stop to it immediately and in truth they've only seen her around a dozen times

DDs never took to her very well anyway tbh. ExDP fully supported me and still does now. DH despises her.

Could you say something like - he was a nasty, cruel man who treated nanny very badly for a long time when I was little. He was given lots of opportunities to behave better, but he chose not to, and so in the end both nan and I decided that we did not want such a nasty person in our lives, and I wouldn't want him in your life either, unless you decide otherwise when you are much older. Mummy does not like talking about what he did, as it is very hurtful and upsetting to remember the things he did.

things like "nasty" and "cruel" are used a lot in fairytales, so hopefully they will get the extent of what he was like. They should know that you don't like talking about it either

Thank you everyone for replying and I'm sorry to see that so many others are in similar situation.

I will use some of the responses suggested and especially like the idea of asking them.to give me a minute or two to decide how to answer instead of just blurting something out.

I worry that maybe the DC will start to worry that their daddy might go away, so when discussing my father I will make sure to point out how their daddy is nothing like that and how much we all love him.

Thanks again.

mcnab I'm fortunate enough to have a step Mum who is absolutely wonderful and treats us all as her own, my Grandma dotes on me and the girls and is the only reason I got through my childhood (DDad was barred from seeing us most of our childhood but his Mum managed to keep her contact with us somehow) my exMIL is also a wonderful Grandma and my DHs Mum is very fond of the girls so they're not lacking for female role models.

So in conclusion, (phone screen is broken) as long as your DV have even just one decent bloke around I wouldn't worry. My Gran was the only decent female I knew as a child and she did wonders for me without even realising it although I have as an adult told her this.