Is he over his ex?

[beth2015]

So this is my first post..... have joined as i have no-one else to talk to about this, and could do with some advice :(

Sorry for the long post!

Here goes.... I'm in my early 30's, but have been pretty much single for the last 10 years.. There has only ever been one guy for me, we met as children, had an on/off thing from age 14 into my 20's, but he ended up marrying (and having a child) with someone else... so i feel that chapter is well and truly closed and would never go back to him.

Since 'him' i have dated a few guys, nothing serious, and no-one who i have been that into. I found out, from a friend, 2 years ago that 'he' was expecting his first child with his wife, and whilst i was quietly devastated, it actually gave me the closure i needed. I have since been concentrating on myself and own life.

I've moved to a new area and wasn't looking for anyone, just wanted to get myself settled and make some friends first etc.... then suddenly this new guy came into my life.... on paper he is pretty much perfect for me, we have similar views/interests, he is funny and sweet, we clicked straight away and i fancied him on first sight. He asked me out on a date after a few weeks of us first meeting (back in November), and since then we have been on more date's and just spending time together.

All has been going really well and whilst it's early days, i can see myself with this guy for the long term. However, one thing i am really struggling with is his past history...... we haven't had the 'ex's' talk yet, have just been enjoying each others company and discussing everything else under the sun! Over Christmas i met some of his friends and one of them (his friends wife) really filled me in on his past.... he had met a girl at uni and fallen madly in love with her (the love of his life). After uni they moved in-together and it lasted 10 years!!!! Until one day she decided that whilst she loved him, she wasn't 'in love' with him, so she packed her bags and left. Apparently he was absolutely devastated by this as she was the love of his life. He has dated on and off since, but his friend tells me i'm the first girl he has spent serious time with, and the first one they have been introduced to, since 'the one'.

My dilemma, is that recently we went to a function together, and his ex's previous employer happened to be there. Towards the end of the night he said he needed to go and speak to this man about 'something' (which i assumed was to do with the function!) and thought nothing of. Until i hear this man's booming voice saying 'ah yes i remember Sally (fake name!)' how is she now etc etc.... basically my guy had gone over to reminisce about back in the day when 'sally' worked for him and preceded to tell tales and say how well she is doing nowadays and how good at her job she is etc etc.
I was seated across the room at the time, so he thinks i didn't hear a word, and that i don't know who she is anyway- but the man's booming voice was pretty much unmissable and my ears pricked as soon as i heard her name mentioned!
I know he has a past, everyone does, but it did upset and un-nerve me that we were at this do together and he felt the need to rush over to this ex-employer and bang on about how great his ex was and how she is doing so well for herself now etc. The worst part, is that i can't say anything as he doesn't know i know about her, and i was totally earwigging his convo! I don't want to bring it up and look like a bunny boiler!!!

I just feel really sad and deflated about the whole thing, he is a great guy and i really like him, but i do not want to be anyone's second choice, or made to feel like a last resort (as we are both in our 30's and all his friends are now married off). I think things would be different if he had ended it, but from what i've heard, she was the love of his life 'the one' and he was beyond gutted when she left.

I am worried about continuing to 'emotionally invest' in this guy as i do not want to get my heart broken for a second time- it has taken me 10 years to get over the first one! I also don't want to feel like he's only with me as she left him and there is no-one else on the horizon.

If anyone has any advice please feel free to share- tho i am feeling quite fragile about it all so please be gentle! :)

thanks for making it this far- it is a bit of an essay i know! :)

I can understand why you'd feel insecure. On the one hand, he doesn't appear to have 'Sally' top of mind in the sense that he's not dropping her name into everyday conversation inappropriately. They don't sound like they're still in contact if he's asking her boss what's going on. He's the first one he's introduced to his friends ... all good. On the other, being dumped from a 10 year relationship with the love of his life is bound to leave a few loose ends.

I think it's probably the time for a bit of a heart to heart. If you overheard the conversation with the boss and if his friends have spilled their guts, I think it's time for cards on the table about Sally. I'd approach it assertively, however. 'I really like you. I'd like to think we had a future. However, I need to know the full deal about Sally because - according to your friends and after what happened at the event - it seems to be a big part of who you are and it's something I don't know enough about'.

Building up trust takes time and it's only been a couple of months.

Love is risky. You and he may not yet have uttered the L word. You say here you can see yourself with him for a long time. Has he indicated he feels the same way?

I know he has a past, everyone does Hold that thought.

As his pal's wife had already filled you in on his romantic history you were already wondering about the ex even before the night out. Surely the simplest thing to do is to talk to him. Either adopt Cogito's approach or say how nice it was to meet his friends at Christmas and mention that you had swapped tales about way back when. Give him the opportunity to speak. Get the topic of exes into the open.

As to whether he's over her it's hard to guess but she left him and who's to say she isn't with a new partner completely settled and happy? Stay in the moment OP. Try not to second guess your boyfriend.

If you are getting worried then rethink being exclusive. Don't cut yourself off from socialising/dating other men. If reading those two sentences your heart sinks, then stick with this man and see what happens.

And fgs stop referring to her in your head as "the love of his life".

Most of us have been in a situation with someone who has dumped us, we didn't want to get dumped but nevertheless it happens.

I don't think you should fret about Sally because she does not want him and therefor IMO that door is well and truly closed.

Perhaps meeting you has made him realise Sally wasn't the one? Who knows but please look forward, not back. You are wasting precious emotional energy needlessly.

Enjoy and good luck.

How long since they split up?

I'd be very wary if this was anything less than say 12 - 18 months ago.

If your relationship is a good one, you need to be honest. Can't you just say his friend's wife told you all about his ex, you then heard him talking about her at the function. Tell him that you have little interest in his past and you know everyone has a history, but you need to know whether or not you're wasting your time with him.

That wouldn't seem unreasonable to me.

Seriously OP this man has waaaay less baggage than other men you'll meet as your 30s tick on. He is single, that's it. I have had a couple of 'loves of my life' before my husband and I wouldn't touch them with a bargepole now. It fades. Show him what a falling in love is really like!! I think it's time to a) discuss exes as pp says (but don't make him feel like he's the one with the big ex, you've got your own young love story too) and b) really seduce this guy and make him yours.

Fwiw I think you've based his story on yours. You tell your story about this long term guy who was the only one for you at the start of your post and kind of make out that it's only the kids he's got with his wife that are the barrier to you still being in love with him. Now you think your new boyf is in dangerous waters until his ex marries and has kids? But life's not like that. I'm sure he's as ready for a big romance as you are. Also as a side point getting married and having kids doesn't always mean people are 'safely off the market' - alas.

Thanks for the replies everyone. :)

I know i should broach the subject of ex's soon, but i am so terrible at this whole 'dating' thing and nerves just get the better of me! It doesn't help that he is quite shy about it all too (didn't even attempt to kiss me until our 5th date!) so think i'll have to be the one to take charge and just ask him!

Cogitoergosometimes- thanks for the reply- no they are not in contact now, but he is still in contact with her dad (same line of work), so obvs gets updates now and then on her new life- hence him filling her ex-employer in on how well she is doing nowadays! I know i need to have the 'talk', i'm just not very good at that sort of thing!

donkeysdontridebicycles- no we haven't said the L word yet, it's still way too early days! we haven't even slept together yet!!! he is quite shy and has old fashioned values. But i do think we are v.compatible and he is the kind of guy i could see myself with long term. From what i've heard his ex is now living in another county and is settled with a new guy.
I will try to stop thinking of her as the 'love of his life' - i know it's negative and destructive- just so hard to ignore!

quitelikely- thanks for the positive advice. I know i should look forward and leave the past in the past, but it's easier said than done! Maybe in a years time (if we are still together) he will tell people i am 'the one'! Then i'll be happy! lol

getthefeckouttahere- they split up 3 years ago, he has dated a bit since, but sounds like it's literally just a few dates that went no-where- doubt he has slept with anyone else as he seems to be quite old fashioned about it all and despite being a confident person he is really shy when it comes to us.

Ok! Just want to say THANK YOU to everyone for the replies, talking things thru with people who don't know us, has been really helpful and refreshing! :)

Oh 3 years??!! Crack on. He sounds great.

hootymctooty- good advice, i do want to know if we are 'timewasting', i am so scared of getting my heart broken again. The first time was awful and i've been a closed off/cold person ever since, have dated other guys but always knew we had no future until now! Suppose it's the old... once bitten twice shy thing!

redredholly- fab username by the way! - I am loving your advice! :)
As for my ex-love, i would never go there with him again for many reasons, but esp now he is married with a daughter.... even if he became a single dad i think too much has happened for us to ever go back... so onwards and upwards! :)

Thanks getthefeckouttahere! He really is a fab guy, i think i am just un-nerved/ feeling inadequate / insecure about his 10 years playing house with another girl! I can't help ask what's she like, is she pretty, is she better than me etc etc!

Beth I don't think she is better than you in any meaningful sense. She went out with this man for ten years but from what you say it sounds like she's left him pretty much as she found him. If you want to be the woman to turn him into a husband and a father then it sounds like he's there for the taking! And that's exciting. Good luck to you xx

Most people have baggage and sometimes it's just out of habit that it gets carried around. The fact he was happy to go over to her ex boss and have a natter about 'Sally' might actually show that he is over her, God knows if I was devastated about someone who broke my heart I wouldn't be having chit chat with their old boss!
You could always mention lie about passing the boss on the street "i saw so an so the other day, you know.... him with the voice that carries, I was wondering who is that Sally you were talking to him about?"

Thanks redredholly! You are very true- i am normally the one to give advice, but am hopeless at following my own! lol Yep, he is defo a keeper- just need to wrap my head around it all so it does not interfere with our relationship. Thanks :)

felicitygubbins- i hadn't thought of it like that. I certainly get uncomfortable whenever someone mentions my ex's name, so maybe you're right? He is a v.honest/upfront guy who if i asked would prob tell me whatever i wanted to know, it's just getting the guts up to broach the subject! eek!

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