To stay or to go

[NAvenue76]

Not done this before but just need some anonymous advice. Have been with my oh for nearly 5 years and we have one daughter nearly two.he has fertility issues so we had to go through two rounds of I'vf. My problem is I can't please my partner. I am really ditzy and I never do anything in a logical manner but I always get there. He says I don't have drive as I work in what is effectively a call centre but for the most part I love my job. I am really sociable but he doesn't like lots of y friends which makes it really awkward . Says they aren't good enough for me My mum died 10 years ago and my dad is remarried with a new family and lives abroad and so do a few of my siblings but I do have two brothers here. One of whom told me I needed to try and work on my relationship. I'm still close to my family and have only just started opening up about what he is like. I constantly get told that I'm doing it wrong,that I am a retard, he says it's because he just so angry with me as since the second trimester I switched off from him. I hate being told that I am an unfit mother . I got the police involved a year ago because he put pizza in my hair and now the health visitor rings up from time to time. I know that I have let him down. The thought of not seeing my daughter breaks my heart but I just don't know what to do. I pulled out of buying a house with him which really upset him. He thinks if we buy a house it will solve everything. I also took my daughters passport to my friends as he had threatened to take my daughter to Australia once when he was angry. He thinks I'm weird for taking that literally. I am really ashamed of how things have become . We were getting through it i thought but things have gone backwards again. Will he ever change. I don't think I can change. I am probably always going to walk out the door not immaculate!! But surely being rude is a worse crime. I am probably not very giving in relationships as I have lived alone a lot if the time. He gets so angry with me

I'm sorry that you are in an abusive, bullying relationship and I hope that doesn't come as too big a shock to you. I'm afraid he is ticking far too many of the boxes for emotional abuse and coercive control to ignore.

• 'never pleased'... this is a classic way to exert control by making the victim blame themselves and believe themselves to be substandard. Whatever you do and say, nothing will please him.
• 'doesn't like lots of my friends'.... I'm glad you are still sociable because another classic control method is to isolate victims from their support network by making life awkward, alienating friends, causing problem
• 'constantly get told I am doing it wrong'.... more control
• 'I am a retard'... nasty verbal abuse designed to crush confidence
• 'pizza in my hair'... if the police were involved I think you mean 'assault'.
• 'threatened to take my daughter to Australia'.... threats are vile and designed to intimidate

It's a long way beyond 'rude' and I would strongly recommend that you take a long hard look at his behaviour, stop blaming yourself, stop calling yourself ditzy or whatever, and then take steps to get this miserable man out of you and your DD's lives

Sounds to me that you aren't compatible and that instead of either accepting that and working on things, or walking away, he's opted to attempt to ground you down into being "his way". You aren't and won't be. Things won't work (IMO).
But, also, he won't change. He sounds like a bully and he probably always will be, sorry.

I hope he doesn't become so critical of your DD.

The way you describe yourself I find quite attractive and endearing. It sounds like you are social and enjoy good company and are able to enjoy a job without caring about prestige. He sounds like someone who cares far too much about appearance- superficial. They're not compatible and for some reason he's decided you are the one with the problem. You're not. He is.

One of your last comments is very strange. No one walks out the door immaculate every day. Unless perhaps that's what they're paid for (even celebrities get photographed looking "normal" though) or they're desperately insecure and won't leave the house without preparing for hours. It's not a bad thing?

BTW... brothers who tell you to work on a relationship like this should be ashamed of themselves. When growing up, were your brothers put on a pedestal by your parents? Were the girls expected to do whatever the boys wanted?

So this man:

• undermines your professional choices and achievements
• tries to isolate you from your support network
• insults you, calls you names
• assaults you physically
• threatens child abduction
• wants to tie you to him financially and resents your free choice not to do so

...and YOU are questioning and blaming YOURSELF?

My recommendation is:

• Keep telling good friends what he is like at home and how it makes you feel.
• Obtain advice from Women's Aid (0808 2000 247) on your rights re: child support and contact in case of a split. Perhaps also consult a solicitor in family law, and an online benefits calculator so you gather more facts about what your income would be without him.
• Definitely do not buy a house or marry him or otherwise bind yourself to him further.
• Please take it on board when I tell you that you are a highly capable woman (you hold down a job, raise a child, ....), and that you deserve love, support, and respect. None of which you are getting from this man.
• You might also want to have a read of "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft (you can buy it from Amazon), and google the Freedom Programme and see if they have a course available near you (otherwise they have online resources too, but an in-person course is best)

Thanks for your advice ladies. What I meant by saying no one walks out of the door every day immaculate is that I usually have a stain or something somewhere but I'm always clean. I have just spoken to him and he has offered to go to relate but my heart isn't in it and told him. Hopefully the grass is greener on the other side!

Trust your instincts. Always.
If your heart isn't in it, then respect your heart.

Couples counselling is usually not recommended where there is bullying, controlling behaviour or abuse present. You may find personal counselling useful instead. Five years is a long time to withstand this kind of behaviour and, when considering greener grass, it may help to understand why you tolerated it and what you would do differently presented with similar behaviour in future.

Do not under any circumstances go to Relate with this abusive man. Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abusive behaviour within the relationship.

I would also recommend reading "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and enrolling yourself onto Womens Aid Freedom Programme.

This man also deliberately targeted you as well. Such really inadequate men see strong women as a challenge and someone to punish and bring down to their level. Such men too hate women, all of them.

This man as completely let you down here; its not the other way around at all.

Your own brother's advice to you should be roundly ignored. Apart from being crap advice, it was dangerous advice as well. He should really be ashamed of himself. You cannot work on a relationship if there is an abuser within it.

He has put you in a hole and the only way out is to get this person out of your life permanently. You do not want your DD growing up thinking this is really how men treat women.

And no, such men never change. He will further up the power and control antes against you and that has already happened over the years too.

You do not want another five years of this, he will only be completely happy when you are completely cowered under his control and then feel completely unable to leave. You know his treatment of you is wrong on all levels.

You will only really find peace if you get this man out of your lives.

As per your last comment op the grass will definitely be greener on the other side. Whatever shade of green it is, he won't be in your life and that's all that matters.

Just to comment on two points in your op.

Will he ever change ? Absolutely not.

I don't think I can change ? You don't need to.

Best wishes, you sound like you know you need to free yourself from him.

My partner is a bully it has got worse over the years I have three kids,I work full time my mam minds the kids she never liked him we together 14 years I use to be very nieve but I've hardened up I've been saving to get the hell out here this year it not good for you I play along happy family's but he hasn't a clue bout my plan,all the lies and hurtful ness over the years have all built up and I want out.