Fiance has left me pregnant, with 3 DCs... Do I need a solicitor?

[Neverending3]

Feeling really low :( DP left 12 days ago, I have DD 10yrs, and together we have two DSs. Found out I am pregnant and told him - he doesn't want it but I do. There was a chance I was going to get him back but he wouldn't see our DSs this evening, he refused to come over and talk unless they were in bed. I confronted him, saying I wasn't impressed he doesn't want to see the kids, to which he responded that he doesn't love me, he doesn't like me, I am pathetic, and if I miscarry that would be for the best. I have just made him sound like a scumbag - he never used to be. I worry he strayed or got too career orientated, I never saw him leaving his kids.

He said if I don't let him see them he will take me to court, but he wants nothing to do with baby. I have given him lots of opportunities since leaving to see DCs but he has only twice. Do I need to lawyer up? They're expensive, and we aren't married.

Does he suspect you of straying? That the new baby isn't his?
I presume he is named on your DSs' birth certificates?

I don't know the legal situation but however hurt you are by your break-up, contact arrangements should always be what is in the children's best interests and should not be used as a weapon of revenge because of your grief at the end of your relationship.

Establishing what is in the children's best interests is a trickier question. Clearly your DSs need an ongoing relationship with their father. However, it will be incredibly hurtful and damaging to your new baby to be treated differently from his/her elder brothers and you need to act in the best interests of all your children, which could include not colluding with him picking and choosing.

You can get impartial mediation to see if you can work out a mutually acceptable plan without lawyers, which is much cheaper. But that only works if you are both able to be respectful and flexible.

But you aren't preventing him from seeing the boys, are you?

I'm sorry things have ended and I'm sorry he's already talking in terms of courts etc.

As you are not married, getting lawyered up may be of limited use. You need to be well informed and CAB may be able to advise, however. Do you own property or have any other assets or loans together? Suggest you send him a letter/email proposing a sensible contact schedule and an amount for maintenance, rising in due course when the new baby arrives. If there are any financial loose ends, include a solution for those as well.

For the new pregnancy I think yo have to think about it in these terms:

1. He doesn't get to choose which children he does and doesn't contribute to financially. If the children are biologically his, then he has to pay maintenance End of discussion.
2. However, if he is that much of a douchebag, then he could only want to see the other two children, and basically have zero interest in the other child. I think that would be horrific for the child involved. Can you even imagine?

Do whatever you want about the pregnancy, but don't assume your fiancé will have some sort of epiphany and want to come back, or "fall in love with the baby when he sees it" type nonsense.

You may need a lawyer if you own property together but apart from that no - you just need to claim child maintenance from him via the CMS if necessary.

If he has changed so much so quickly I would be looking for an OW - sorry.

What is your property situation? Owning or renting....

Was the 4th child planned? Sounds like he is resentful of situation....sounds like he didn't want what could be an emotional situation in front of the children. He still wants to be in their lives by the sound of it. Did you have any clue things weren't good prior?

If you own property together I would get some legal advice to oversee things and protect yourself.

You should talk to him over the table, without DCs present, give him one last chance to see if he is prepared to apologise for what he said as it might have been a one off. People say stupid things sometimes. Ask him why he doesn't want the baby. If he doesn't want to reconcile then go for mediation.

Thank you all for your comments. We don't own property together, we rent. His name still on tenancy agreement. No loans together, not tied up financially at all.

I wanted to know I had done everything I could to make this work so last night was the fourth time in 12 days that I tried to speak to him and have a conversation regarding our future. I suffered with the birth odour DS1, and DS2 was unplanned, however at the time we went ahead with the pregnancy as we both wanted to. I suffered with pre-natal depression and anxiety during DS2 pregnancy, resulting in DP taking a year off of work to help at home. He returned to work October 2014 and I think things have been going downhill since? I barely leave the house, I don't drive, I am still on antidepressants and I don't understand how he can just leave after everything we have been through. DS1 birthday was at beginning of January and I let him come over and see him, 5 days after he left me! I told him the boys come first and that they should be our joint priority but he has turned down two opportunities of seeing them.

I worry he can turn the mental health issues arou nd on me. He has agreed to give me 500 on the last Friday of every month (January being month #1) but I do not have this in writing, and he said he won't pay for unborn baby.

*birth of our, not birth odour

Why is he making this so difficult? Why is he being such an ass?!

£500/month is probably more than the CSA will award for all three.

He may well have found another woman. This is quite common when men leave.

well he can't choose to not pay for the baby once it arrives. Have you entered his salary into the child maintenance calculator to work out what you should get. And are you claiming everything you should - tax credits, housing and council tax benefit, etc... Him agreeing in writing to pay £500 per month now would be worthless anyway so don't worry about that.

Oh and him threatening court to get access - a bullying tactic you should ignore. Normal contact is every other weekend and maybe one teatime alternate weeks. And it happens away from your home. He picks up takes away and brings back. No discussion is needed and he does not come into your home any more.

" I barely leave the house, I don't drive, I am still on antidepressants and I don't understand how he can just leave after everything we have been through."

'Going through' tough times can just as easily drive people apart as it can bring them together. Your way of coping involves medication and isolating yourself. His way of coping is to leave it all behind. I don't think his solution is making him any happier than your solution makes you tbh but you weren't happy together either.

It has only been 12 days and everything is clearly very emotional. I think a period of calm is required rather than forcing conversations or making demands. Then talk.

Get contact written down. Emails. Not phone calls. State all contact goes through the email address as then he can't take you to court claiming you have been unreasonable. State it is in your childrens best interests to have stability and picking and choosing when you he sees them is not in their interests. It needs to be set days and at set times (though of course these can be negotiable)

There is no way that seeing only two of his three children is acceptable. The mind boggles at what any court would make of that position??

Don't get hung up on who he thinks he is paying for, he has to pay a set amount, use the online calculator as others have advised.

In short you probably don't need a solicitor imo but as ever it depends on your individual circumstances. The mrs interlinked your finances and assets are the more likely you will need to see one.

I'm sorry you are going through this tough time....

I am in no way excusing his behaviour however it's almost as if he has panicked and run. He likely associates the baby with all the anxieties and your challenges with depression. Having long term time off work etc. You spoke of his 'career' In your Op and perhaps another baby terrifies him when he relates this to his job and other parts of his life.

It's early days and likely this total 'detachment' from the baby you are expecting won't last. As hurt as you are keep the lines of communication open as much as you can.

Have you got some RL emotional support whilst all this is happening?

Is it possible that he is unwell himself? He sounds as though he is under a great deal of stress.

I am absolutely not excusing his harsh words or rejection. However, having been the one in your DPs shoes it is very very hard when your partner is suffering from depression. Please understand that I am not suggesting that you have acted badly or done anything wrong. But the situation at home can become unbearable and frankly I think the baby has been the straw that broke the camels back. Your situation must have been fairly bad for him to need a year off work and it must have been hard to go back, that's only a few months ago.

You may be able to work through this but as Cog says I think you need a period of calm. leave him alone for a bit, he may need his own medical help/counselling etc before he can think rationally about the future.

He has said that he will support the children and you have no reason to believe that he won't. From what I can see historically he has been very caring and responsible.

I know that you're in a bad place but I think your husband's emotional energy has simply run dry.

OP have you tried to step back and looked at this situation from his POV?

Before you all flame me please let me explain where I'm going with this......

You had a terrible birth with DS1. You then unexpectedly fell pregnant with DS2.You went ahead with the pregnancy (did you have a conversation about it or did you just tell him you were going to have the baby?) then you suffered pre-natal depression resulting in him having to take a year off work. He has been back to work barely 4 months, probably just started to feel as if things have started get on an even keel and you announce that you're pregnant again. Do you not think that this man is probably terrified that you and you dc's will suffer again? Do you not think that he may be terrified that he will have to give up work again?

I'm not saying, for a second, that him just upping and leaving was the right course of action (far from it) but how did the conversation go when you told him you were pregnant again? Did you have a sensible chat or did you just give him absolutely no choice in the matter whatsoever? If you gave him no choice in the matter then I'm not really that surprised he's got his arse in his hands. I honestly believe that BOTH parents should have the choice whether a child should be brought into this world, I don't think it's very fair to say 'I want to keep the baby and there's nothing you can do about it'.

Ultimately, everything you went through together is still raw for him as it was only a few months ago and, essentially, the message you're putting out is that you don't really care how he felt about it at the time as you're prepared to run the risk of things going wrong so quickly.

It would be very easy for us MNetters to fluff you up a bit and say 'there, there, what an arsehole for leaving you pregnant with 3 dc's' and I was going to, until you elaborated on the story a bit more and I realised that things weren't as simple as they first seemed.

edit: I won't start on about the payments/contact as I have taken up enough of everyone's time!!!

How are you doing Op?

Thinking of you

I think what wtfhappened said is worth considering, actually. Looking after three children and a severely depressed wife is a lot to take on.

Ok, firstly we aren't married. Secondly, he left prior to me finding out I was pregnant.

I woke up one morning to a text saying he couldn't do it anymore and had gambled some money and lost it ... I think that may have been the final straw. A week after he left I took two tests and they were positive so I invited him over the next day to see the boys and to talk (whilst they napped). He said 'Christ', bit that ultimately it was my decision, but I said we needed to sort it through together.

When we found out I was expecting DS2, we were both shocked. I cried a lot (DS1 had shoulder dystocia and I instantly thought it would happen again), but we mutually agreed to go ahead with the pregnancy. I was around 6 months pregnant and wad taken to hospital after being unwell and he panicked that he wouldn't be able to go away on a business trip, so I arranged for my mum to have DD and DS1. He then quit work. No talking, no bouncing ideas back and forth, he just did it. And when he returned to work at the end of October 2014, he didn't tell me, we didn't talk about it, he just did it.

I am still suffering with depression, obviously, but even though he was at home for that year he never dealt with my DD, or cook, or clean, or any of that rubbishy every day household stuff, so I was always up and about, he just helped with DS1 during the day. Don't get me wrong, I will be eternally grateful to him for staying sy home for a year to look after his own children with me, but he has never made things easy.

What frustrates me I suppose is the simple fact that he left. He got there, to that decision, without me, and although I didn't expect him to come running back when I said I was expecting again, I didn't expect a load of nastiness either :(

I asked him on Wednesday to tell me when he would like to see the boys - regularly - but he didn't want to say? I told him it needed to be sorted but he refused. I am confused, some of you have said to keep the lines of communication open, and others have said to give him some time. Where do I go from here? I don't even know what I am doing about this pregnancy :(

Where you go from here is to get help and support from those around you. Friends, family, medical staff. Whatever his motivations for acting the way he does/did, he can't be relied upon. So you have to take him on face value, assume that it is properly over and call on others instead.

In due course, when you're feeling stronger, tackle the access arrangements.

So when you conceived dc 4 he was working again? I think as Pp says deal with the here and now. Get some emotional support and take time to think. You know already he can't be relied upon. He has made many important choices prior without talking with you.... and this latest one is sadly no exception.

Get some support from friends and family. The finer details of access can be sorted when you feel up to it.

You sound angry that he got to say he'd had enough and left.

I had a depressed dh. I ended up in therapy dealing with how he felt. For what its worth its emotionally draining.

The only thing that I can say is that you cannot control anyone else. You can't make him want to stay, or want the baby. You are in control of you. Make plans for you and decisions to suit you. Once things have calmed down slightly you may both be in the frame of mind to discuss things.