How to get the spark back

[fanjobiscuits]

i am worried the spark isn't sparking bedroom wise for me and OH. We have been together a long time and have an under two year old. There is some sex but pretty infrequent - 3 or 4 times a month maybe.

I am finding an increasing number of evenings I am ending up in tears and feeling lonely and sad as I was hoping we would be..you know...having a nice time. I have taken to initiating more but recently there was a time he didn't finish when I did that and I have lost all confidence.

But I feel as though doing anything about it is likely to backfire. I am worried that talking about it will just put him off me, and getting dressed up a bit (stockings etc) just looks desperate. So I am awake, feeling rejected, sad and alone again. I feel stuck and really unhappy.

We are ttc at the moment which is a potentially complicating factor. But it feels a bigger issue than that.

What can I do?

Anyone?

I think you have to talk about it.

If that makes it worse then you have bigger problems than a lack of spark.

I find honesty and openness leads to closeness which often leads to intimacy as well.

Good luck.

I think the bedroom is the wrong place to tackle this. Good sex.. 'spark' etc.. is a spontaneous expression of two people's affection and intimacy. If your lives are not affectionate or intimate outside the bedroom, then nothing good will happen inside the bedroom. If you think about the way most people behave when they first meet there's a lot of connection & communication, gazing into eyes, silly messages and phone-calls, private jokes, touching of hands and stolen kisses..... Teenage stuff but it sets the mood.

So what's going on in your lives in general? What do you have in common? Do you make time for each other? Are you affectionate with each other? Do you get time to be a couple or is it all about the daily grind? Do you talk, hold hands, kiss, do special things for each other? Has TTC turned sex into a chore? (Is TTC genuinely what you both want?)

Thanks for the replies. Yes, we are both keen to ttc so it's not that he is not keen for that reason.

We are pretty good at talking and have done quite a lot of that recently. Normally that would be how I would deal with anything that worried me. But it really feels like that would have the opposite effect. It feels as though there has been too much deep chatting and that's the opposite energy to the sparky bit that feels like it's dulled.

We are affectionate but there doesn't seem to be a gap in the day for him where he wants to connect physically (home, bedtime, dinner, tv, book in bed, asleep before I get out of the bathroom.)

Talking about it feels like it will have the opposite effect to the 'want to rip your clothes off' type of feeling there used to be. Talking would be friendly but not sexy iyswim

" there doesn't seem to be a gap in the day for him where he wants to connect physically"

This is the missing link and the bit you need to talk about. Not 'deep chatting' which sounds horribly dull and which I agree can be a complete passion-killer but simply how you can generate more leisure time in your schedule, space to relax together, have fun together, that kind of thing. Some people go for the date night option but that might be too on the nose for you. However if you settle for TV and book in bed, you're on a fast track to cardigans, pipes and slippers....

I don't know what kind of people you are or what kinds of things you used to do pre children but I find nostalgia can be a very good springboard for reconnecting and reawakening spark. That restaurant you used to go to, the music festival you always fancied doing... There will be something. Talk about that.

Thanks Cogito, there's a lot in that. Your post made me cry though not in a bad way as it hit some of what's going on. I think it's more than the needing fun though. I've tried various things to bring that side of things back, but it feels very one sided. Like pushing string.

It feels like the dynamic has changed - there used to be more of him reaching out to/chasing me. And if that's not happening I can't seem to fix it by making more of an effort or by talking about it. And I'm not sure how else to shift things do I feel stuck.