My ex-H has just died - why am I feeling like this?

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I have just found out that my exH died yesterday, and I can't get my head around my reaction.

Just for background, we got together when I was 19, and were together for 15 years - we didn't have any children together, and split up about 10 years ago. I met someone else soon after we split up, and I now have 2 children.

So it's safe to say, I have moved on totally from that relationship, but I don't understand why I feel so sad - I can't stop crying, and I really don't understand why.

Also, the person I would normally turn to in times of crisis is my wonderful DP, but how can I explain to him why I'm crying over an ex?

Sorry if this is a bit garbled but I trying to get my head around all of this.

Any words of wisdom from you wise mumsnetters would be gratefully received. Thanks

Awwww. It's perfectly understandable- he was a major part of your formative life so it's all that you are mourning. Can you think of a way to remember him and your past life? Will you go to the funeral? For you

I'm sorry to hear that.

It seems obvious to me. He was an enormous part of your past. 15 years together! He is someone you spent a very long time with and I presume you loved each other very much. Even if you've 'moved on', I think it's (almost) always sad when someone dies. I'm not at all surprised to hear that you're feeling very sad. I think there's a good chance that your DP would understand it perfectly too.

Well, if your ex was a similar age to you he died young and that's sad in itself.
And you are also in shock.

15 years is a long time to spend with someone and a large part of your adult life.

Even if you have moved on, the time you spent with him is part of who you are. I think your reaction is very understandable and a lot of people would feel the same as you do.

If your DP is wonderful he will understand too, just tell him what you've told us. He won't need any further explanation. Trying to hide your reaction will make you feel worse.

Sorry for your loss

Thank you kind people! I was beginning to think I was going a bit crazy - I think I've cried more today than I did at the end of our relationship! Actually that's not true at all - but it feels a bit out of proportion, given all the circumstances of the split and the time that elapsed.

But yes, thinking about it rationally, he was a major part of my life, and I really did love him once.

I'm not sure if I'll go to the funeral - I'm not sure if I could cope with seeing all his family - it might bring back too many memories.

Thanks for all the kind thoughts and wise words.

Maybe you are also mourning a part of yourself, as you were then, your 20s.

Was it an acrimonious split?

OP you need too whatever is best for you, but it might be a comfort to his family to see you at the funeral. It could also be therapeutic for you.

I do think you should consider it. Grief is what it is and unfortunately ignoring it isn't always an option. (If only!)

cogitoergosometimes. The split wasn't acrimonious but the 2 years leading up to it were pretty awful. A combination of his MH issues, moving away from the UK and change of the working dynamic between us really caused a lot of pressure and friction - our relationship wasn't strong enough to cope (if only I'd had mumsnet back then......). Ironically, once we decided to split, it was like a weight had been lifted and we actually got on with each other. But then he was a real arse during the divorce which made me see his true colours!

nutsinwinter I can see what you're saying about the funeral. It might actually help me through the grieving process. I'll have a think.

My aunt had only recently split (maybe 2 years) from her cheating husband when he died. She did go to the funeral (with her mum and their son for support as it was all organised by the OW he'd had a 10 year affair with).
It was good for her to mourn that way. It did help her. They'd had fun, shared joys. She needed to let out the grief.

I agree with what tge others have said previously. Sometimes when someone dies it reminds us of our own mortality. You don't need to know the person particularly well to feel sad when you learn of their death. I'm not saying that its a conscious thing, but I think we are almost hard wired to feel that way.

If you had 2 years of horrible and arsines during the divorce then I expect it was quite stressful. Like everyone else you'll have got together in a spirit of optimism, had quite a few good years before the trouble started and those good memories will be the ones causing you the pain now. 'Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these. 'What might have been''

Hope you've felt able to talk to your DP. Maybe you could attend the funeral together?

His death is the biggest kind of sudden closure that could happen. All that moving along and your gorgeous new family, it's all been part of a timeline. Suddenly it's like a huge shift and the timeline has shifted and a gate has really really shut on the past, a landslide has crushed the line back there.

Could that be something to do with how strongly you've been affected?

Personally I would not go to the funeral but I'm not you. Do what is kindest to and rightest for you

My exh died some years ago and his wife was keen that I go to the funeral. Dh came with me and I am so glad I went. His family were all lovely to me and there was a closure I hadn't had in the 40+ years since we split. We had been in touch over the few years before he died though not for many years before. I am friends with his widow. I mourn the boy I loved and she the man she loved. She had the best of him I think, we were much too young.

My ex h died last year.

However, we were in contact regularly and I was there for him a lot when he was dying and was a huge part of it all. So my situation is a bit different to yours.

A year later and I am still grieving and crying. Why wouldn't I? I shared a life with him for years, we had children together. I cry a lot for our children but also me, because he is a huge part of my history and a huge part of what has made me who I am today.

to you. Your feelings are normal. BTW My husband just holds me when I cry for him, your husband may understand more than you think. You may not have had kids with him but 15 years is a long long time and you loved him once. It is sad when anyone dies and when you know them so well it hurts, even if that person is no longer in your life.

I grieve for every friend who dies, OP, so how much more so when it is someone you spent such a significant part of your life with.

Just sending you hugs op, nought wrong with your feelings, be kind to yourself and let yourself feel what ever it is that you are feeling at any given moment.

I had this scenario OP before Christmas . We had been together 33 years ( and divorced for 6 ) and had children, pets, homes together. Then I got exchanged for several newer models.

It was expected . He was terminally ill but it was still a shock at how all the feelings came flooding through. And I too am in a very happy and stable relationship.

I went to the funeral. My children were going to be there and had been quite supportive to his new partner. I felt there was a place for me there. I didn't go to the wake afterwards although my brothers in law whom I hadnt seen for years would have liked me to go to have a catch up.

My ex didn't want to make friends. He could be rather petty and resentful, so I went along anyway for closure for myself. I felt it helped me to some extent although I would have preferred it if we hade ' made friends ' before he died.

What has helped me surprisingly is going through old photos for my grandson and son. Every picture tells a story and I can see in those photos we were a happy family and I do believe I was loved. A death of someone who was close always stirs up feelings. This time of year is tough for us all. I feel like I have been hibernating . I'm tired. Feel old. Been unwell. I know this will pass , it's just a transition phase , a time to reflect.

I suspect you feel that it might help to go to the funeral for your own closure. It certainly brings it home that they have gone. When my mind wanders to thinking of him sometimes it's hard to assimilate that he's no longer in the world. Then my mind throws up a picture of his coffin at the funeral and brings it back to reality.

I hope this has helped you . Just do whatever you feel is the best outcome for your future.

Sorry OP. Although I haven't been in the situation you are in now, I don't think it odd that you are upset. He was your husband, and you spent 15 years of your life with him. And, he was a friend. Maybe things got a bit different during the divorce, but there is a long history there.

I hope you are feeling better soon

A sudden death is always shocking, particularly at a relatively young age. I would urge you to talk to your DP - bottling the feelings up is not helpful to you and may make him actually more suspicious about why you're so upset than a proper conversation about it.

The majority of your adult life was spent with this man. It's not surprising you have been knocked for six by his death.