Choosing a partner over having children

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My partner is soon to be 50 and I am a lot younger. His dc are grown up and I have one younger dc. I have always wanted more children, it's one thing in my future I have always desired.

I love my partner and he is a brilliant man. It's not that he doesn't want anymore dc, he is actually fairly open to the idea of going ahead. It's me that isn't happy with it for many reasons all relating to his age. I obviously knew his age when we got together, and still actively made the choice to be with him, that was a few years ago though and his age didn't seem much of an issue back then.

We've talked at length about this and what to do from here. He wants to continue the relationship and see how it goes and he hopes that in time I get used to the idea of no more dc, and find fulfillment elsewhere. I am scared I am going to resent things in the future.

Has anyone else managed to get over this and be happy in the relationship, is it destined to fail? I can't imagine my life without dp but can't imagine them without more children either

If he's open to more children then I don't think it would be fair to resent him. Surely you are the one choosing not to have more, not him.

If your desire for children is 100% definite then you've certainly got a lot to consider.

My mother left my father when I was a bit older, 11 or 12, and married my stepfather not long after, he's a LOT older than she was, and he's like my father now, I'm 21 and he's 78 and sprightly as ever, he fixes cars, cooks, cleans, goes on walks and looks after the neighbours children often, I'm aware I may not have him for much longer, but I'm also aware something could happen to me at anytime and he may outlive us all.

I suppose it depends on how old a 50 year old your partner is and how much younger you are (sorry to pry!) but if you were thinking of kids sooner rather than later then honestly if he's open to having them then 50 really doesn't seem that old. I know you've mentioned that you don't want to resent him later but he is open to having them, you might find that any other future partner has different issues, there may not ever be the perfect partner to procreate with, someone might be too immature, too risky, you might (and I really don't want to upset you) have children with someone else and it doesn't work out..

I might be giving you the complete opposite of what you're after, and if I am feel free to call me on it.

Is it a deal breaker for you?

I wonder if your reasoning for not wanting a child with a fifty year old is strong enough to want to end what sounds like a good relationship for. It's not that old. None of us know how much longer we have left. And when they're at primary school he might have much more free time to attend things and muck in that a younger man establishing a career may do. It really wouldn't put me off at all.

How old are you OP?

It's a strange thing how at 20 years old 40 seems next door to death. But once you are 40 it just doesn't seem that old at all.

Did you plan to have your existing DC on your own? Or did life just do what it does and work out in ways you hadn't expected?

I know a number of people who had an older dad and, whilst we'd all love our parents to live forever in excellent health, they never felt they were missing out in any way.

By contrast, my DH list his DM when she was only 55. Nothing is sure. All that is sure is that a strong living relationship between parents is superior to younger unhappy parents.

DH was mid 50s when our daughter was born. Obviously it is unlikely he will be around to celebrate her 50th birthday, but it does have advantages. He gets to spend time and enjoy things with her that he never had the chance to with his other grown up children.

Parents can die at any time - I have two friends who lost mothers in their mid-teens.

The important thing is to cherish every single second with your child - I think that is something which older parents are probably more aware of than those who are in their 20s when they have children.

It seems to be a bit of a trend in my family for the men to marry women up t around 20 years younger. Many of my cousins and second cousins have fathers who were 50+ when they were born and it really hasn't been a problem at all. Provided your partner is keen to stay as fit and healthy as he can and will help you with a baby/child I don't see any reason not to go ahead.

"still actively made the choice to be with him, that was a few years ago though and his age didn't seem much of an issue back then."

I am confused... this sentence seems to hint you got together many years ago, "when age was not an issue". Why did you not have children then?

If you can't imagine life without your DP, and you can't imagine life without more children, AND your DP is open to having children, it seems as if the only thing getting in the way of a happy life is your perception that he is "too old". Can you elaborate on what exactly it is that worries you about his age?

aurynne we got together 4 years ago when he was 46 and it didn't seem "old". The relationship moved fairly slowly didn't want to rush into anything after my previous relationship ended badly. And then DP turning 50 makes me feel it is a little on the too old side... That sounds really silly now I've typed that.

Thankyou for all the advice, it's made it clear that this is probably just a problem with my own perspective on things.

My DH is 20 years older than me and has adult children. We got married when he was 54 and we had twin DC when he was 56. He is now 60 and the most unbelievable father to our 4 year olds. Second time round, financially secure etc. he has more time to focus on our DC and is just a brilliant, brilliant dad and I say that even though I'm currently fuming over some twatish behaviour!. If you love this guy and you think he'd be a good father to any future DC then I would not let age put you off.

My dad was 50 when I was born. He was and is a great dad at knocking on 80. ;)