Relationship after ending an EA marriage

[StickyDots]

I'm wondering if anyone might be able to help me process my thoughts on this as I'm feeling a bit confused.

Long story short, I ended my 10 year EA marriage around 18 months ago. Initially I was very happy on my own and intended to stay single for a very long time but about 8 months after leaving my XH, I started up a FWB situation. This eventually fizzled out but as a result I decided I was perhaps ready to date again (without any real idea of what kind of relationship I wanted) and began OLD.

After quite a few first dates, I eventually met a very nice man and began a relationship with him. We have now been together 6 months.

Right from the start he made it clear that he would like a 'full' relationship with marriage and children eventually. Although I was a little unsure of what I wanted at that time, I wasn't opposed to the idea of this and agreed that I wanted the same things eventually.

He is a really great guy and the polar opposite of my lazy, abusive, selfish and mysogenistic XH. Despite this, I have a weird gut feeling about it all (in a bad way) that I can't quite put my finger on and that I don't really understand.

I'm not sure if it's due to my past or my intrinsic nature, but I've let him do most of the relationship driving (something I've probably done in all my relationships to date) and as a result its gone very fast to the point where we're talking marriage and children in the next year rather than a few years as I'd originally planned.

Up until now, I've been unsure if my gut feeling is around him as a person (although he's given me no outward sign that he's anything other than a genuinely lovely person) or if it's the speed at which things are progressing. Having now types this out, I think I am uncomfortable at the speed things are going but I don't know how to tell him this. He's very sensitive and I sense a bit insecure and I worry that I will hurt him if I asked for things to be slowed down. I worry that he will take it in the wrong way and start disengaging to the point where we break up. That's really not what I want, I just want us to pace things a little slower.

Not sure what advice I'm after really, just feeling quite confused and unsure of how to proceed.

Rushing you is a big red flag.

And always trust your gut. Always.

This article may be useful

He seems quite aware that things are going quite fast and we've talked about it quite a lot where I've raised my concerns. However, I'm at fault too because I just don't seem to be able to say 'no, I don't want that'. Whenever we discuss things, he manages to put my mind at rest and puts it all down to the fact that the relationship is 'right'.

I read a post on here recently about people meeting in their mid to late 30's and things progressing quickly from there because both knew what they wanted. I guess that resonated with me and so I'm now confused as to whether it really is a red flag or just understandable given the life stage we're both at.

" I just don't seem to be able to say 'no, I don't want that'. "

That's a serious problem given your history. If you lack the ability to be assertive in a relationship you are vulnerable to being exploited or abused. You really cannot judge if someone is a very nice man after just six months, however they appear. If you are unable to articulate 'no I don't want that' because you think that, by saying so, you will be dumped.... then it's not his insecurity you should be worried about but your own.

When judging if you're ready to date I think the real question is not 'am I ready to date?' but 'am I ready to say what I need, even if it means being rejected?' and 'am I ready to reject others just because it feels wrong?'

Thanks Cogito. Before I met my BF I'd have said yes to both those questions but in reality it's quite different. I'm actually ok with being rejected, but feel extremely uncomfortable rejecting others. That hoes for all areas of my life because I'm a people pleaser. I just hate the thought of causing others pain.

Although I've made it seem quite cut and dried in my post, in reality I'm very indecisive. When we talk about the future, I agree that I want the same things as he does, it's just that when he's not here and I start the over analysis then I start to panic that I'm making a mistake. I think this is very much down to the fact that I'm aware I don't know him well enough to be making these kind of commitments and I've told him as much. I don't understand how he can be so sure about me although he is always able to answer this question when asked. Even so, I usually go along with his suggestions after we've discussed it.

Even if I am not ready to date, what do I do from here? Should I break up with him or carry on or perhaps slow things down? I don't want to lose what could be a great relationship over what are my issues? Or are they my issues? I'm so confused!

My suggestion would be that you state very clearly that things are going too fast and need to slow down because it's making you very uncomfortable. If he rejects you on the strength of that, then he was no loss. If he persists in trying to rush you (which is likely given that you've told him this before and nothing changed), then you dump him. If he takes you seriously and slows things down you will have a nice relationship with someone who respects your opinion.

I sometimes see threads here from people who have two or three bad relationships on the bounce and start to think that there is something wrong with them.... they have issues or they attract abuse or similar. My observation is that their main mistake is to keep giving unworthy people second and third chances. Other people meet the same men and have the same experience but, because they 'LTB' at the first whiff of weird gut feeling, they move on relatively unscathed.

Sticky are you me???

Left as EA marriage lasting 14 years in June 2013. Met a fantastic man via OLD 4 months ago.

Said man is the polar opposite of the lazy second-rate misogynist twunt I'm divorcing. I'm loving the time we spend together, he is a great person to go out with.

However it's moved fast (although no kids are on the agenda). He is very open about how he feels about me. He feels I'm the one, if I was up for marriage and cohabitation and blended families he would have no hesitation.

I told him I'm not in that place. He is very respectful of that and isn't pushing me. He listens when I express reservations and he takes it all on board.

Strangely though I fear hurting him more by stringing him along, than being on my own. And still have a nagging feeling about the pace.

I have resolved, however to enjoy the relationship and stay in the present. I think it's healthier than obsessing over whether or how the relationship will end.

I am in counselling but have just had a break. Back this week. I am going to start looking intoy somewhat avoidant attachment style, and do se work around that.

I think it's so important that this man listens to what you say about your feelings. That knot in your tummy - it's there for a reason and should never be ignored!!