Hello I'm so sorry if im posting in the wrong place. It was so hard to find a category that fits my sadness.
I'm here because my son nearly died whilst in the care of his daddy and I need to off load and find a way to get through it.
This story is long and it's taken a lot of courage to speak out so please don't judge me I just hope you have the patience to read and help me
My son was born in September 2014 and I was the happiest I could be. Prior to his birth my now husband and I had tied the knot after 8 years together and life was perfect. We conceived in August just after our wedding in 2013 but sadly lost our little one 7 weeks in.. I was heartbroken and so was my husband. In January last year I concieved again and
Our son was born in September after I was in labour for a week - he was back to back and I wasn't informed. I was left in agony and sent home from hospital 3 times that week with paracetamol.. The pain was like nothing I'd ever felt. I was failing to progress and at last minute I was given an emergency c section.
All was well and we began to get used to home life once out of hospital. Both very happy first time parents although exhausted ones!
A week in to being home I was shattered so hubby offered me a lie in whilst he took over our sons care. I gladly accepted and snuggled back into bed whilst the boys went off.
The next part is the traumatic part so it's only fair to warn anyone reading this as it can cause upset.
I woke up about an hour later and wandered into the lounge to find my husband asleep on the sofa. I assumed our son was in his day crib that we had in the lounge but when I looked he wasn't there. I woke my husband in a panic and as he rose from the couch my little boy was laid there underneath him.
He was blue, not breathing and limp
I began screaming at my husband over and over 'what have you done?!' and a lot is a blur if I'm honest but I grabbed my little boy and started giving him breaths on the lounge floor whilst sobbing. My husband was a wreck and called an ambulance
Within minutes the ambulance arrived and I had managed to get my boy breathing in this time.
We went to hospital on blues and twos and by the time we arrived my son was stable
He was checked over and admitted to the children's ward.
My husband and I were in bits. I've never ever shaken like I did that day. The shock was immense and as I sit and type now I am in floods of tears, shaking once again as I recall this day.
We faced lots of questions from hospital staff and with that came a lot of judgement.
I was heartbroken and I knew my husband was too I just hated him in those hours and couldn't speak to him
I was numb to him I was constantly there for my boy he was my every thought
I stayed in hospital 3 days and nights with my son whilst he was monitored.
The hospital Drs speculatively thought our son had suffered an apnea and possibly stopped breathing before dad layed on him.
I already knew that this wasn't the case - the reason my boy nearly died was because his dad fell asleep. As hard as it was to swallow I knew it in my gut.
Over those three nights in hospital I almost walked away from my marriage. The very man I loved had almost killed our son, my son.
I'd look at my husband and see a broken man who I loved so dearly yet hated with such passion. I was a mess
I sat and listened to my husband retell his account of what happened over and over again to any professional that asked, who was involved in our sons care. I had to retell mine too and go over in detail the resuscitation I performed.
Performing resus on an infant was horrendous. Let alone it being my infant. luckily I knew what to do as I'd trained in St John ambulance as a younger person and remembered THANK GOD
I know if I hadn't done that and got my son breathing again then I'd be sat here telling a very different story
As I listened to my husband tell the staff what happened I held his hand. It was hard for him. He was an exhausted new dad who had seen both his wife and his son almost die in theatre due to complications and had witnessed his wife suffer 154 hours of intense labour.
I cried with him and we held each other.
More scrutiny was to come and over the three days in hospital we were put through the mill. Professionals ensuring that it was an 'accident' and that we weren't abusing our son.. All necessary but very hard to deal with nonetheless
After discharge from the hospital we returned home to an awkward environment, our son was on a monitor Incase he suffered an apnea and would prove that there was an underlying condition that dad's incident had highlighted...
Things were far from normal. My c section wasn't doing well as unbeknownst to me at the time I'd torn it partially open when I fell to the floor to give meson breaths. My trust in my sons father, my husband had also vanished.
I couldn't leave him with him for a moment for fear of what might happen or what I might walk into on my return.
Hubby did his best to reassure me that it wouldn't happen again but I couldn't take his word for it.
Fast forward four months and our son has no lasting damage from the incident. We were very very lucky. He's a perfect little boy. We have still had hospital and professional appointments to 'keep tabs on us' which has been everything from embarrassing, shameful and humiliating but it's people doing their jobs and we have had to let them. I feel like I've been dragged through the mill and that is just a basic description of what it's like. In truer terms I feel utterly broken.
I still live every day not trusting my husband with my son. since the event my husband himself has been diagnosed with sleep apnea which has thrown us into a new realm of learning to deal with this and how it affects us daily. My husband has a condition which explains why the incident perhaps happened. He didn't know he had the condition until that week of exhaustion took us both over. My husband still falls asleep at the drop of a hat and it terrifies me. We have a rule that our son is in his bouncer when I bath or as soon as dad feels sleepiness coming on, he puts our son down in his cot of in one of his bouncers. My heart is always in my throat when I'm not in the same room. During the day my son is with me and our bonding has been beautiful. Dad gets home from work and I change into the warden. I can't stop hubby from handling our son , nor do I want to. My heart isn't that wicked. it would be a detriment to them both and their bonding but I find it hard as I'm always on watch.
Due to the diagnosis of my husband he has also developed an animalistic type roar when he's asleep at night. The apnea affects all sleep for him whether it's normal sleep or an apnea attack. He snores at night but it's like that of a lion. We no longer share a bed due to this and I'm in a single bed in my sons room.
So when my son sleeps and wakes screaming it's me who tends to him as dads condition makes it difficult to wake up too. Sometimes the only way I've successfully woken him is to kick him. Shocking I know.
I'm just about starting to bath alone and leave my boy with his dad providing I can hear them and that my husband moves around with our son. This is hard for me and I'm constantly living on edge. If the lounge goes quiet I call out to check all is ok Hubby only falls asleep if sat or relaxing. The apnea gets him then. I never go out and leave my son with his dad, his dad never takes him anywhere alone. I supervise everything.
I'm sure I do my husbands head in but he says he understands why I'm the way I am. He's accepted that's how things will be and he can't argue because he, in theory, made me like it. But I don't want that existence - I want to be a proper family. I want to get over this because our quality of life is suffering. The only one who appears not to be is our son we both make the effort with him and his life is uninterrupted by our issues.
My husband wants us to be normal too but he hasn't a clue where to start to try and rebuild our life. He doesn't know what he can do to gain my trust. He sees his Dr regularly regarding the apnea and they are working at managing it and eventually eradicating it by making life changes but it won't change over night. I just don't know how to survive and feel ok until my husband is free of this condition. We see a councillor once a week as a couple but to be honest she's not much good and I often come away thinking she's no help at all.
We are on our own facing this, I AM on my own too.
It's very lonely feeling the way I do and not being able to let go and trust- no matter how much I want to, I can't.
Our families have been supportive - well, mine have. My husbands parents see the incident as 'just one of those things' which upsets and also infuriates me because it's not 'just one of those things'
I have only told one friend outside of the family about the incident and although very sorry to hear, she can't help me because she's never faced the same thing. So I've not told anyone else for fear of the same judgement that the hospital gave and also lack of understanding.
My post today is to find other people out there who have lived this similarly or who have an understanding of the fears I live with every day. Perhaps even a support group somewhere for those struggling with life after suffering an ALTE in the home. I need to hear how you cope
Hubby and I are working on life finding its balance again. It's hard but there has to be a way
If anyone out there can help, please get in touch. I'm so alone I need someone
Thank you all for reading