What's all this about?

[Lottegirl]

Been with DP for 4 years. Used to live together, now we don't as he has been sent out for contract work 5 hours away. We plan to move back in next year when his contract is up. I see DP at weekends and have found this hard after once living together. My inability to be relaxed and not get frustrated about being apart so much caused a lot of arguements. I constantly wanted reassurance from DP that we would move back in, that he wanted me etc etc. The more I did that, the more he seemed to care less and less about the relationsip - though he always stuck it through.

Recently I have become less bothered - I resented how he becsame less interested in me and him during the time I felt anxious about the relationship (I felt if he really loved me he would have been more caring and shown me he cared by maybe a surprise visit here and there etc - something he would say would be ridiculous and unnecesarry). Anyway since I have become more chilled out about it all...perhaps because I subconsciously dont want to emotionally invest in the relationship as much because i am a bit unsure as to his dedication...he has become far more interested. He wants to speak more and plan things.

Is this just a game? Can he really love me if he seemingly wants me more when I start to care less? Or is that natural? Part of me wonders if this is a guilty conscience.. Feel confused.

People who want constant reassurance are pretty hard work and of limited appeal. 'Clinginess', dependency, insecurity & neediness are not attractive qualities in anyone.

What's happening now is normal. It's not a game exactly, but what you should learn from this experience is that it is always important to have self-confidence & retain an element of independence, even when you are in a relationship. It is healthy for you as an individual not to be 100% emotionally dependent on someone else and you earn more respect and attention from partners who realise that you always have other options and cannot be taken for granted.

My DH works a way a lot and always withdrew and wanted reassurance at the beginning, now I only do when I'm feeling low.

The withdrawal thing I did too. It was a type of self protection, as it gave me some control and somehow proved I could leave him IYSWIM.

The difference between your situation and mine though is that I have a very understanding DH who knows this is hard and gave me the reassurances I craved as he knew that's what would solve it. He didn't withdraw and lose interest until I sorted myself out. Therefore I never had cause to doubt his commitment to us.

So your partner isnt current meeting your needs. Whether that's because he's fed up with your need for reassurance or has simply isn't as invested in the relationship anymore, only you 2 can discuss.

Btw I completely disagree with cog. The qualities shes listed are not unattractive qualities to all. I Go through this due to my past and DH is currently going through this due to berevemenment, this if anything has strengthened the bonds of our relationship.

It's normal to need support from a partner in a crisis like a bereavement. That is not the same as being irrationally clingy out of personal insecurity ....