Sex making me cringe.

[ampersandand]

I have a 5 month old ds who is ebf.
Ever since giving birth the thought of sex has made me feel really uncomfortable, I don't even like it when dp pats my bum.

We did have sex just before Christmas as I thought maybe if I just do it I will enjoy it and become less anxious.
It wasn't horrible but it wasnt the most comfortable, this is down to being torn inside during childbirth, the episiotomy has healed well and was not uncomfortable though.

For a long time dp has been sleeping on the sofa due to ds waking a lot and him working, but now ds doesn't wake so frequently he's started coming back to bed with me.

Last night he cuddled into me and started caressing my back and I could tell he wanted to have sex with me. I actually felt disgusting. I'm ashamed to admit I pretended I was asleep rather than rejecting dp face to face.

The thought of him touching me freaks me out.
We've had lots of discussions about this, he is very understanding but I don't think he is going to be understanding forever as at the moment I feel I would be more than happy never to have sex or sexual contact ever again.
I don't even like the thought of touching myself or another man touching me so it's not my dp himself that is the problem.

I can't view my dp in a sexual way anymore and its really unfair on him.

We once had a great sex life but now the thought of even passionately kissing him turns my stomach.

Has anyone been through this? I'm worried I will never get my libido back.

It is partly hormonal partly emotional. You need time and space to find yourself again. Don't rush back into having sex. Lots of people I know don't have much of anything for the first year or so! It's very common. I couldn't bear to be hugged for the first six months and now nearly eight months on am slowly getting back to the way I was. I don't know how to explain it, it is like my whole focus is on my baby and I haven't got room to think of things like that and didn't want to be distracted from her. I also had huge body hangups and feel still like the most unsexiest person alive. It's a huge adjustment after 9 months of pregnancy and then coping with a new baby. Give yourself time.

Be open with your partner and explain you need your space and time. Mine has been amazing and supportive. It will get better

I also got massively claustrophobic whenever dh tried to come near me. That too seems to be improving. My doctor said your body needs around nine months to get rid of pregnancy hormones.

You will come through it.

It's perfectly normal. A combination of hormones, your body recovering from childbirth and the HUGE emotional and physical turmoil of the whole experience. Oh, and probably the fog of sleep deprivation too.

You aren't the same person. You don't feel the same. You cannot slip back into expressing those parts of your life and personality which require you to feel at ease, confident, energetic and outward looking until you feel at ease in your new life, and you have physically and mentally healed from birth.

Hopefully your DH understands this - if not, I can bet that one way to help him see will be to maybe give him the responses to this thread to read!

On the bright side - taking a long term view here can bring unexpected benefits. My DH was nothing but supportive post-birth: as a result, I feel that we went through those massive experiences TOGETHER, and we are physically and mentally MUCH closer as a result.

He's not feeling it? Keep him awake for 24 hours, while making him sit on a hard chair with a couple of golf balls rammed down his pants until he's nice and sore. Then ask him if he feels like some sexy time :)

Living you must know a unique group of people. Not having much sex for a whole year after the birth is not the norm.

A person literally tore out of your vagina five months ago. You'd life has changed completely. You're tired and you're bfing so your hormones are all over the place. Sex is not a priority right now. Things will get back to normal, but in the meantime just explain to do that you still love him but due to aforementioned person-tearing-vagina thing sex is off the cards for now. In the meantime, plenty of cuddles and kisses until you're back to yourself. Make sure he's giving you time to yourself too, that helps a lot.

Well it is common in my circle of friends. I didn't say it was the norm. Just because it isn't in yours doesn't make my experiences invalid. We don't all have to be jumping into bed or want to be madly shagging six weeks after birth. It isn't unusual for sex lives to take quite some time to recover after the arrival of a baby. Life simply is not the same and you can't just expect to spring back into the way you were pre pregnancy.

The only other thing to suggest is any signs of post natal depression that may be affecting the op. If she is still concerned then her next port of call could be the GP.

Hi Hun, I 100 percent felt exactly the same as this after having my 13 month old. I got my self in such a state as I didn't want to feel like that and really couldn't help it. It got to the point where I would say I was staying up to get stuff done so he would fall asleep first :( . It took a while but by the time she was around 8-9 months it was much better. Xxx

Perfectly normal in my experience, your body has been through pregnancy & child birth & now you are breastfeeding.
Please give yourself time & take things slowly, I felt much more like sex the less I BF, so around six months & onwards-it's all part of getting your body back, sort of reclaiming.

Whether it's normal or not, one thing that damages relationships is loss of affection and intimacy. Dry spells can be managed but feeling rejected or unloved is not good on a long-term basis. If sex is not going to happen, then please make a special effort to be close, intimate & show each other love and affection in different ways... and (v important) communicate where the boundaries are ... until the physical desire returns.

I agree with Cog. Take all the time you want, but don't freeze every time your husband even hugs you. It'll be very hurtful. Just because you're not having sex doesn't mean affection itself should be withheld by you. Marriages are supposed to be affectionate. You should be able to give him a hug without cringing, for example.

I agree with other posters, much of this is probably hormone related.

You shouldn't be under any pressure to resume your sex life until you are ready. However, a relationship with no affection is a very lonely place to be.

Can you take sex off the table for a while and work on bringing back affection and intimacy (without the fear of it leading somewhere)?

I haven't read any replies (I don't have much time sorry) however I really just wanted to say I have just been through this exact thing! My whole pregnancy and whilst I was bf I literally could stand the thought of sex! My dp said I didn't find him attractive anymore and I didn't want him but I really knew that wasn't it I still dp found him attractive and liked a cuddle and a little kiss. Anyway I stopped fb and bam my old amazing sex life is back and I'm bludy loving it! I have a shocking relationship but sex is great haha now obviously this is different for everyone and I am not telling you to give up fb to get your drive back but maybe explaining this happens to other mums to your dp might give him some hope for the future x

I found bf-ing (and a rather traumatic emcs and dd with heart trouble) made me put sex on the backburner for a while. I think rather than pretend to be asleep, to find an appropriate time to tell your dh that it is not him it is you and you need the space to recover, even if you cannot explain why sex is off the cards for now and he will have to find some other form of relief.

Hopefully with the pressure off on you and a few more months down the road, you will slowly feel like your former self again. I gradually felt ok to give hand jobs/blow jobs and eventually resumed intercourse. But you are thick in the baby fog at the moment so you should not have to panic that this is it for your sex life and scare your dh.

Just take it one day at a time