How to deal with the deep moody uncommunicative teen during divorce

[Somethingtodo]

...this is my oldest -- v worried he will slip in to a depression. He isnt talking - but v angry with me for calling time on a v difficult marriage.....blames me for the separation (we are only in 1st week - STBXH moved out at weekend).

How can I help him?

Sorry you've had such a negative reaction. My suggestion is not to pump him to talk or assume he is depressed. Try not to overcompensate or lose faith on your decision. Carry on as normally as the situation allows and tell him instead that you're ready to listen to whatever he has to say when he's ready to say it.

Is he school-age?

Yes he is in lower 6th....I suppose all we can do is that both STBXH and myself prove by our behavior and actions that all will be calm and better - but also acknowledge his deep hurt and shock/devastation and comfort him.

Can you say more about why the marriage was difficult? Most children will know when all is not well between parents. Whilst they may be sad or upset when the relationship ends, it doesn't normally come as a shock.

Could be worth having a word with his head of year at school if you haven't done already. They can keep an eye out for any problems.

Thanks Cogito - I need to contact their schools.
Basically he is an irresponsible, passive-aggressive, man-child, avoider - who dodges, resists and undermines basic everyday parenting, family, marriage responsibilities. His parents are alcoholics. I am co-dep enabler (lost a parent v young, parentified by surviving parent from age 8) - so have tolerated too much bad behavior and taken on all his responsibilities - resentfully - to breaking point.

The dysfunctional dynamic is me asking, nagging, begging, pleading for him to do something - it never happens and it escalates to me being a screaming angry banshee....then all calms down (still nothing done) for a bit and the cycle continues. I have only recently read about PA men - so have been stuck in this relationship as I took on the all the blame as the bad one as punishment for letting myself get angry.

Here are my recent threads:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2277913-How-to-re-direct-or-move-on-from-the-anger
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2275725-Anyone-else-end-up-as-an-angry-banshee-after-living-with-Mr-Nice-passive-irresponsible

This is my back story over 2 years (name-changed and revived thread)
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1599899-Is-being-an-avoider-a-marriage-deal-breaker?pg=8

Then it's understandable if your DS has looked at this dynamic and only seen 'angry banshee' you... probably feeling sorry for Dad at the same time.

Is there a possibility that he could reside with his father? Might that be a solution?

Yes he is feeling sorry v for his Dad and blaming me 100% - and I understand and respect that this is from his experience of what he has seen and heard.
But it is not the whole story and my challenge is that I do not want to demonise or give details to the children to recast the blame on STBXH - rather I want us both to take responsibility for trying hard but it not working out - with neutral constructive language.

It is physically not possible in the short term for him to live with his Dad (he is at his Mothers v small flat)....but when we sell the house he can of course choose where he wants to live and he knows this.

STBXH is also relieved that the relationship has come to an end - and he comes every evening 7.30-9 for dinner/homework/visit with the 4 dcs and then is here 9-9 on sat and sun in sole charge - so physical contact has not really reduced. I am hoping that we can both behave better within this arrangement and the kids can see that we have their happiness 100% at heart.

The perhaps your relieved STBXH is the one that should have the conversation? Maybe he should step up to the plate and take some responsibility for the failure of the marriage?

I'm afraid I think that Dad coming around all the time is probably not helping the transition. If I was your DS I would either assume that if you can get along well enough to be having jolly dinners etc together, the marriage was not ended for good reasons.... or I'd find it mortifyingly awkward to be sat there pretending all was well.

There is a limit to how much information you give kids about why a marriage ends. Gratuitous badmouthing is not on, obviously. But when you're talking about a 16 or 17yo young man, I think they can be trusted with a sensitive version of the truth.

The aspiration was that we would sit down and have dinner together every night to show a strong positive approach to the separation being a success. Clearly too ambitious as it hasnt turned out quite like that (only on day 3 today) - as he is home too late for the children to eat with him and I found it false, exhausting and it just puts me back in the agitated trigger zone (ie him) ....so it has now evolved so that the children eat earlier at 5 with me unless one is late back - and STBXH having a snack/tea/coffee pudding with whoever is around. I have also since chosen to depart to another room during this visiting time....and we have agreed not to discuss logistics/finances at this time in front of the children.

Very good advice not to pump him to express himself - he can do this in his own time and in his own way - also not over compensating - life goes on - the aim of the separation is that it will be better for everyone....eventually.

Do you think STBXH would have a heart to heart with him... tell him that it was the right decision?

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear your having difficulties with your teen at a tough time for all.

Does your teens school have a school Counsellor?
Maybe they could help?
I also suggest you look for a local place offering a Teen Triple P course,its great and really help parents/carers deal with the dreaded teen years.

Failing that try either Relate for him or a service offering counselling on loss/seperation ( and attachments)
Inbox me if you need more specific help as its my field.

That amount of contact between the recently separated sounds crazy to me.

CaramelPie - why?

Cognito - yes I need agree a consistent story/statement with STBXH.

Funky - many thanks - I would really appreciate it if you could post some links so that I could look at online resources and options as I have no idea where to start .... did not even consider Relate - surprised that they did not suggest it when I booked my appt....

I think CaramelPie is making the same point as I did earlier. With your STBXH in and out of the home giving the illusion of normal whilst the situation is anything but normal it may just be coming off as very phoney and awkward where your teen is concerned. You describe it yourself as 'false, exhausting.... agitated trigger zone'. It'll be the same for them.

I'd suggest you think about him setting up contact where he's living or - like a lot of other separated Dads - meeting the DCs at another location. This is the new reality, everyone has to adjust and the sooner the process starts the better.

Cognito - I was referring to my unrealistic aspiration for all 6 of us to sit down for dinner each evening ('false, exhausting.... agitated trigger zone')....so we have adapted the set up now (day 4). We dont do the sit down dinner and I retire to another part of the house and we dont talk logistics in front of the kids.....which has for me at least removed the false/agitated/exhausted feelings.

This is working better now - and is their new reality for at least 6 months until we sell the house.

Not an option for them to visit him at his alcoholic mothers filthy flat.

I have no desire to restrict access - for the children's sake rather than his.

If it's working better then I think you'll simply have to tell DS that this is how it's going to be for six months. Acknowledge that it's awkward & upsetting for everyone, but the decision has been made and he might find it less stressful if he got with the programme and make the best of it because the decision is not going to change. I think, if your STBXH put across the same message, you'd have more chance.

Thanks cognito - yes need STBXH to be singing from the same page....and DS to accept in his own time that our marriage is over and to understand (without minimising the hurt he feels) - that the set up we have agreed is very positive to ensure max contact with both parents and min disruption to dcs daily routine. Physically v little has changed for the kids. Emotionally - we both just have to be ready for the fall-out, catch-up, etc as they are shocked and hurt by our separation - but as I read on MN it is the behavior of the parents - whether married or separated - that will fuck them up or not - I am determined to make every effort to be civil, kind, compassionate etc to my STBXH as we will be co-parenting together for many more years to come.

Wish me luck - I was unable to be civil, kind, compassionate etc to him whilst married.