Where do I go from here? Moving on from abusive relationship

[pumpkinpie5]

I've posted on here before about issues with my now ex p. It has taken me months of counselling to get here, but we are now going through mediation and I will have things in place to help me and contact will be kept to a minimum between him and myself. Although relieved I have finally found the strength to take action, I am so so miserable right now. I know it's going to take time to get used to living without him in the shadows all the time but I just feel so lonely and so awful in my own company.

I just have nothing I look forward to, no hope for the future, and just get through each day for my daughter. How do I find the energy and motivation to keep going? And how do I discover myself again? I feel so lost and tired and can't trust myself to make any decisions.

I'm just tired of trying to be positive and move on any more.

Hi perhaps best to ignore me. Looking over my old posts I realise I feel exactly the same now as I did back in December when I posted something similar. Time is clearly not making much of a difference for me so I probably just continue to get through each day and hope that my depression lifts, or I find a way to make changes. X

I'm no expert, but I didn't want to read and run.

Can you think of a few things, even tiny things, you couldn't do then that you can now? Have friends round, for example, to help you feel like you are living better now?

Handhold and for you. Congratulations on getting out. Not everybody does.

I salute you.

Can you link to your old posts or provide some background? My advice would be as follows:

-fill the hole he has left in your life with getting down on the floor and playing with your dc

• get the adult interaction from texting/meeting friends. You will form new friendships. Also I found posting and lurking on here a great comfort as well as a good education on what a relationship should be like
• be kind to yourself. Do some exercise, have a bath, generally do stuff that he stopped you doing or enjoying
• read some self help stuff. I just finished "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts And You Don't Know Why" and it took me a step closer to accepting and understanding and coming to terms with stuff.
• the legal process is good as solicitors deal with fact and law. It's really helped me to lower contact with ex and escape his manipulation which has seen me going from crying over wedding photos (2 nights ago) to having a happy day (today) I'm not saying I'll never have a sad day again but I can see light at the end of the tunnel

for you, keep going and it'll get easier

I have been where ur last year. it all starts with one step. i forced myself to do voluntary work, i forced myself to go swimming three times a week, drop a dress size, look into my finances, join a web social group. i would rather stay on the sofa licking my wounds, but when i force myself to do these things i always enjoy them. this is a time for u to b pro active and show love to urself. dont let him win x

Hi all

Thanks for messages. I agree, and I know I need to do those things and try and be positive, I just feel like I try to be positive and something happens to drag me down and I have Definately withdrawn so that I don't have to feel any emotion-positive or negative, about things.

Link to my old thread, if it works...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2148467-Sexual-assault-experiencing-shock-now-I-have-admitted-this-to-counsellor

I really appreciate any advice right now. So stuck and miserable.

You aren't alone. I'm going through this as well. Nearly 5 weeks out. I've withdrawn too but gradually I'm experiencing feelings again, not all of the time, mostly I'm numb. Think the thing is to accept this is how you are going to feel. Just noticed the sexual assault ref, v sorry you went through that ( I havent) but have got out of ea relationship. Small steps I think. Do you write down your feeling? Just to try to keep track?

Thanks apple - sorry to hear you are going through similar-but good to know I'm not alone in some ways if you see what's mean?

My problem is that it's been a long long time now with the power for me to completely break down when I see him or when talking through things at counselling. I had hoped to be much further along by now. But counsellor has said that I can't heal until I have these proper contact arrangements in place and I'm not still being subject to emotional blackmail. I'm trusting that I will see a difference once this is all sorted but conscious that I am going to have to pull myself out of this hole to make positive changes and just can't.

Yes I do have a journal which does help but typically, feeling like I have, I haven't written in it lately.

Breaking down isn't a bad thing, part of processing how you feel and moving forward. Don't know your back strongly but once you have an arrangement in place a least you can perhaps relax a bit more.. Positive changes - you can make them. As hard as it is, it takes effort. You'll get stronger.

Look how far you have come just by getting out. Discovering yourself will come as you make the positive changes..

my dv counsellor says it takes years to get over it, some women never do. she told me to view this period as ur life being put on hold while u heal. ur allowed to feel rotten - thats part of the process. what counselling ru having?

Thank you all for your replies.

I guess I am just in too much of a hurry. I am going to try and not put pressure on myself or apologise any more for feeling miserable. Maybe I will just plod on for now.

Myrightfoot- I am seeing a counsellor/psychotherapist who does person centred counselling. Thank you for saying it can take years to get over it, I think I feel like there's something wrong with me because it is still affecting me so much and stopping me living my life :-(

I really hear you. I'm four years on, and here's what helped me:

• Therapy, with a shrink and also lots of self-help books and websites.
• Reaching out to every single friend I had. Booking lots of Skype sessions and coffees.
• Becoming Little Miss Social, so I could meet new people and make more friends (if you host lots of events, eventually you get invites back)
• Dancing!
• Getting a dog: so much love to give, so much love to receive, and lots of other dog-walkers to meet.
• Exercise! It's such a mood booster. The best.
• Meditation, mindfulness.
• Doing things on my own, from putting up a shelf to far-flung adventure travel. Feeling pretty damn proud of myself for every achievement.
• Giving back: being there for people going through their own life traumas.

Amazingly, through all of the above I have grown a self-esteem (I had none before) and a feeling of being fine and happy and complete on my own. I understand exactly how you feel now, though. I guess I'm here to tell you that it's a nasty stinking pit, indeed, but it's a pit that you can climb out of.

I feel that life is really, really good now. You really have a lot to look forward to. And you will get there. It will take time and effort, it's true. But the way you feel now is definitely NOT the way you will feel forever, I guarantee it!

((hug))

goatsdoroam- thank you sooo much. its so good to hear that. i did go through a phase of thinking ok, i will do this that etc but i think im just so tired of it all that i need to give myself a push somehow.

your list is so helpful. i have some books, and do read lots. would love to volunteer and give something back.

i also used to do lots of sport so this is something i could get into again.

i always find an excuse though. Practically, i work full time and have a young (school age) daughter so i use up all my childcare favours during the week and she is with her day every other weekend, sometimes less, so i feel like where can i fit it all in? i am just functioning at the moment doing the daily neccessities. im shattered, and dont really see where i can make the changes :-( but i am going to try my best.
can i ask how long you had the
counselling for? and what you covered post rellationship issues? i will have support feom my counsellor

Sorry, posted too soon.

I will have support from my counsellor whilst I go through mediation and finalising all that, and I talked to her this week about how I M feeling i.e. Have been building up to putting all this in place, and now am a bit "what now?."

How do I talk to her about moving forward?.. I know I need to find ways to be happy on my own, I don't think I will ever be in a place for another relationship, and have to come to terms with not having another child -but I don't know if this is rushing again and I shouldn't even be thinking/talking about it at this point?.

Aargh, it's all so confusing.

I had several different counsellors, as I progressed and my needs changed.

Post-split, I had specialist counselling via a shelter for abused women: she knew exactly the mechanics of abuse and what I was struggling with. With her, I raked over my past.

Then when I was sick of raking over my past (or rather, had done what I needed to do there), I looked for a counsellor who could help me with "now" strategies: how to cope with everyday things I found challenging, emotionally.

And each time I've felt I no longer needed a counsellor, I told them: I want to fly solo now. If I find I need you again I'll be back.

Only you know what you need at the moment. Each time I've met a new counsellor, I came with a list: "Here's what I'm struggling with at the moment, and here's what I'm hoping to use my sessions with you for. Can you do this for me?" They and I always found it a useful way to start.

HTH!

Oh, and regarding your lack of time and feeling you are just functioning: that's ok too. You can change just one small thing now, and add more later if and when you feel you have the capacity. You can only do what you're able to do, after all. Don't use the thought that you should be doing x y and z as another thing to beat yourself with! Like water always finding its level, you'll work out what you can do and what you can change almost naturally, IME.

I think you are being very hard on yourself. It is early days for you - and you will have bad and good days. I felt like it was 1 step forward and 2 steps back in the early days. It does take time, but much more than a few months.

What worked for me was exercise (huge mood booster), studying - I signed up for an access course and am now doing a degree, also I leaned on my friends an awful lot in the early days. I often just would phone or text and say look I'm having a crap day, could do with some support. And folk were pretty great - just what I needed. I also redecorated throughout, furnished the house and revamped my wardrobe. All on an absolute shoestring - bargains and the like. It really, really helped. Reclaimed the home and made it a complete reflection of me. Have never done that before and it was really empowering. I also dyed my hair purple for a time - why not. It was fun.

There is light and hope at the end of the tunnel - sometimes just keeping going is enough. You will find your way out when you are ready.

Thank you for your replies. It's good to know there is a way out. Sometimes I just need to reassure myself that there is a point to it all, and to keep getting through the days for now is enough.

I should say that I posted a couple of months ago, but it is last summer when I started the counselling hence me being worried about the time frame.

I do need to reconnect, when I get miserable I retreat even more rather than reaching out- I can see that now.

I will try to keep telling myself that when I am ready i will find a way out, I just need to try and keep that hope so thank you.

I am very reliant on counselling though which is a concern for me. I have never had anyone to talk all this through with before so it is a revelation. It has been very hard but I feel like I have learnt a lot about myself. I don't have support in real life other than this so I guess I am needing to find this support or at least resilience so I feel that I can move forward on my own and by okay. I feel far from this at the moment.

So you're reliant on counseling right now. What of it? You have a LOT to sort out, and that's what counseling is for. It's a good thing to seek help when you need it!

Do reach out to people in RL too if you feel you need it. That can help balance things out from all the internal mulling you are also doing (and need to do! Again, no need to be so hard on yourself, love!)

Goatdoroam - thank you. I've tried not to be so caught up in my thoughts this last two days. I am going to b up front with my counsellor next week, review my progress and ask her what she thinks. I go into every session thinking she may make it the last?! I have no idea why. I also want to know that at some point I will feel in a position to say ok, I can make it on my own now.

I think I need to work out how to build up my self esteem and get some confidence and positive ness back. Maybe one day I will wake up and feel happy! Here's hoping I find a way.

when we leave abuse we look forward to a new future. but the reality is that alot of day to day life is routine with a bit of drudgery thrown in. i know ive taken it freedom for granted and sometimes have to remind myself i can wear make up and watch eastenders without him msking negative comments. can u relate to this?

yes you're right. i have been building up to this freedom thinking i will do this, do that, start all these exciting things, but the reality is that i work full time and have dd so actually dont have the time to do a lot else. above all, i feel lonely and a bit, whats the point?

but yes you are right. i can watch what i want on tv, have my own routine with dd. dont consantly

sorry, dont constantly feel sick when hes out late wondering who hes with, or wondering whats going to happen when he comes thru the door etc. i had forgotten those feelings and yes its a big relief not to have them. they have been replaced by my depression and no self esteem still getting in the way of everything at the moment so a long way from apprecuating my freedom or feeling positive about a happy future x

sorry, dont constantly feel sick when hes out late wondering who hes with, or wondering whats going to happen when he comes thru the door etc. i had forgotten those feelings and yes its a big relief not to have them. they have been replaced by my depression and no self esteem still getting in the way of everything at the moment so a long way from apprecuating my freedom or feeling positive about a happy future x