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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When DH doesn't appraoch you for sex anymore

15 replies

soneglected · 16/10/2006 20:15

Its been about 4 months now and DH has not so much as come near me. No I haven't really asked why except to mention it in passing, i.e. I am unhappy with life because ... xyz and also "you don't come near me". Told me he had other things in life to think about and fobbed me off. What does it all mean? He is pleasant enough and I get the goodbye and hello peck but thats it!

OP posts:
kittythescarygoblin · 16/10/2006 21:59

Sorry, soneglected. My Dp and I are always having 'discussions' about his lack of interest and it is a perennial problem. If you feel you are being fobbed off I suggest you sit down with him and have a proper talk about what is going on and what you can both do to help the situation .Good luck.

stitchthezenmaster · 16/10/2006 22:00

get a rabbit

Judy1234 · 16/10/2006 22:06

He might be seeing someone else. he might be depressed and sex drive diminished. Does he masturbate?

Daisypops · 16/10/2006 22:11

Soneglected why don't you have a few glasses of wine and suprise him when he gets home from work. Look super sexy and get him in the mood? If it works- fab, if it doesn't its a good excuse to get to the bottom of it. (Not that you should need an excuse)

DetentionGrrrl · 18/10/2006 12:36

I can speak from personal experience here. I have a much higher sex drive than my fella- in fact, he basically has none. It has led to much tears on my part at times, and to him feeling like a failure. He still finds me attractive, and i know he's not cheating on me, but he has no interest in sex. The saucy undies thing is one suggestion- tried that, and i just ended up feeling rejected and sad (and tearing up the undies)

Your man doesn't sound as tactile as mine though- we still hold hands and cuddle, just not much hanky panky. You must ask him about it, he doesn't sound happy. As someone said, stress and depression can be a huge factor in this, so can smoking and drinking too much. If it comes to it, you may have to decide whether you can accept an almost sexless relationship or not.

What i find difficult is that waning sex drive articles etc are always geared towards women being the ones who don't want it- we feel like we're odd! Start talking about it, and keep talking about it, or things will only get worse for you both.

I'm feeling positive about the future though- fella quitting smoking soon, and i'm coaxing him into non-sexual exercise, i'm hoping that'll help.

Chin up, i know how miserable it can be

admylin · 18/10/2006 12:45

Has he refused when you tried to do the initiating or have you not tried? I never have to initiate because dh always wants more than me anyway but on the odd occasion when he doesn't come near me for 2 or 3 weeks maximum it is because he has too much stress at work and too much to think about, multi tasking isn't one of the male strengths!

lupo · 19/10/2006 15:15

Hi

I can totally sympathise with you as I am in much the same situation. DH has always had very low sex drive and tbh am beginning to get sick of initiating things all the time (all the time being about once a month) I just miss feeling desired by him. Also have tried to look my best, lost pregancy weight etc, but he says he is just not that bothered about sex and its nothing person; bit hard not to take it personally. Would be nice to have sex knowing that he wants to as much as I do, rather than he is just obliging me.. grrrrr .. this sucks

soneglected · 19/10/2006 18:40

He did remind me a while ago that he wont bother me anymore. He used to get rejected SO MUCH when I had PND, that led to him wanting out. He never actually left we have plodded on but the intimacy just isnt there anymore and I can probably count the times he has approached me. No I don't approach him (already feel 2nd rate since he wanted out and too hurt also)

OP posts:
boo64 · 19/10/2006 21:22

This really must be more common than we all think!

The problem is that society portrays men as always chomping at the bit for sex but not all of them are like that.

My dh is rarely that interested. I don't think he is interested in other women either although there is always a tiny bit of me that is concerned about that. I never had much self confidence and being with a man who shows so little interested doesn't help. It's probably a vicous cycle as the less interest he shows, the less sexy I feel and he probably picks up on that.

It makes me feel a bit sad that we don't lust after each other but everything else is ok in our relationship.

Anyone got a solution!!?

Judy1234 · 19/10/2006 22:23

Couples go to sex therapists. I was at a business lunch and a man on our table was telling us about his wife's business (from home) and how the couples, her clients creep up there in the dark as they don't want anyone seeing them going in for their advice sessions.

DetentionGrrrl · 20/10/2006 08:22

I went to see a counsellor once about it (on my own) who said for us to resloves anything my fella should really go to. I mentioned it to him, and was happy to go (i was stunned!) but she was awful. We were chatting and then she just suddenly interupted and said 'yes, but the real problem is that you don't want to make to X isn't it?' She may aswell of just cut of his penis i think. She totally scared him off. I went to a different counsellor on my own then, who was amazing- i still feel frustrated and rejected sometimes, but i'm learning to live with it now. I think i may suggest sex therapy after Xmas though...we'll see!

DetentionGrrrl · 20/10/2006 08:23

Sorry- that should say 'make love to X' (Early morning typing!)

Judy1234 · 20/10/2006 09:07

I expect it's an unregulated area like life coaching. Any mumsnetter today who is board could set up today as a sex therapist (..those that have any interest in sex..) so presumably it's best to go on recommendation by someone else or check they're a member of a good trade association. The problem is lack of interest. Someone who isn't bothered doesn't want treatment. What shoudl bother them is the fact their partner wants more sex and that in most relationships regular sex is normal and expected and it they don't want it (barring times when babies are small etc which are different) then it's a problem for the couple. If they aren't interested in keeping their partner happy then that's a big problem in a relationship.

DetentionGrrrl · 20/10/2006 09:09

Shall be looking via BACP if i do.

christowgirl · 22/10/2006 12:06

I have been the only one to initiate for years now- we've been together for 8 years. I went through all the emotions of depression, rejection, anger etc. and got to the point where I tried to chuck him out but finally I've given up being upset. I would love for him to 'want' me, but I love him and now accept that if I want it, I have to start it- and funnily enough he always therefore gets more out of it!! I am sure I will still have niggles,but I won't let it dominate my life with him. I have to say I disagree with girls who refuse to initiate on principle- who said it has to be that way? I think my problems stemmed from our culture saying it must be the man's domain. Obviously not true!

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