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Relationships

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Original poster

Can you be in love and not feel jealous?

22 replies

JustJules1234 · 13/01/2015 17:58

DH and I amicably separated a few months ago. I am now with someone else, so is he.

We miss each other and are going to try and make our marriage work with counselling as we have 3 young DC who are finding the separation difficult.

The problem is I feel no jealousy whatsoever towards his new partner, or any other partner he may have. I know I love him deeply but I'm worried I'm not 'in love' with him.

The partner who I was with up until we decided to try again on the other hand, I would be very jealous and upset if I were to see him with anybody else.

I can't make sense of this. Does the lack of jealousy equate to not being in love?

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 13/01/2015 18:04

Don't they say you're jealous of the things you want?

kaykayred · 13/01/2015 18:07

I think the not being in love equates to not being in love.

Look at the reasons you have given for the attempted reconciliation - your children are finding it difficult, and you vaguely miss each other.

Those are terrible, terrible reasons to "give it another go". You're basically sacrificing your life to make your kids happy when they probably don't even really understand what's going on?

Can you even imagine the guilt they would feel over that when they grew up?

You have one life to be happy in. Take it.

If you're seriously not bothered that your husband is sleeping with another woman, or by the thought of him telling another woman "I love you" then there's literally no point trying.

Work on building a good, amicable, platonic relationship between you two, rather than trying to force something that just isn't there.

Wishing123 · 13/01/2015 18:13

Sounds to me like you love him because he's the father to your kids and you've been together a while but your not IN love with him. I agree with kaykayred, your kids will suffer in the long run if you try again and it doesn't work. You don't have to be a couple for your kids to have a happy life

dirtybadger · 13/01/2015 18:14

You are making a mistake in trying to work things out for the kids. When you break up again, it'll be even worse for them. So confusing.
The kids have the most to lose, not gain, by you getting back together- you need to decide if it's what you both want. Really want.

FWIW in this particular scenario, yes, I believe your lack of jealousy may be a bad sign. Some people just don't get that jealous full stop, but that doesn't sound like you.

Justmuddlingalong · 13/01/2015 18:17

The not taking long to start new relationships is also a concern. How about trying being single for a while, get you head straightened out a bit.

Coyoacan · 13/01/2015 18:18

It depends. I have been jealous and not been jealous of my partners. It depends on how secure you feel in yourself and in their love.

I certainly don't equate jealousy with love as it is usually the poison that ends up killing love.

Original poster

JustJules1234 · 13/01/2015 18:29

DH and I get on really well, we're best friends, I love him deeply. We very rarely argue, we have a laugh and chat for hours, it's not like life would be awful.

The reason we separated was because I felt I was falling in love with someone else. I guess I did love the partner I have just left, but the reality of day to day life without someone I got on with as amazingly as DH proved too much.

OP posts:

Original poster

JustJules1234 · 13/01/2015 18:29

Perhaps I'm not jealous as I know DH loves me? I really don't understand it.

OP posts:

Original poster

JustJules1234 · 13/01/2015 18:30

DH and I have been together 10 years, I wondered if you get that secure by this point that the jealousy stops?

OP posts:

Vivacia · 13/01/2015 18:30

Have you told your new partners?

Quitelikely · 13/01/2015 18:31

So you have had your cake and ate it right up!

Well good luck to your dh............

Original poster

JustJules1234 · 13/01/2015 18:35

Yes we have told our new partners. Nothing is decided yet, we both feel we should give it a shot but I don't know whether we can make it work.

I don't think comments like 'had my cake and ate it' are very helpful. They are lots of reasons why what happened happened and DH and I think it might be worth trying to resolve them.

OP posts:

Original poster

JustJules1234 · 13/01/2015 18:35

*There

OP posts:

Vivacia · 13/01/2015 18:55

Blimey. I really feel for your current "partners".

Original poster

JustJules1234 · 13/01/2015 19:00

I think it's preferable to be completely honest with them.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 13/01/2015 19:25

I don't think it necessarily means you are not in love. If you are fully decided on giving it a go with your husband, then never mind trying to analyse these emotions. End it with your current boyfriend and focus your energies on your husband for a while.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/01/2015 20:05

Will you feel jealous perhaps if your husband changes his mind and decides not to reconcile with you? The question could be asked that if he did love you - as you believe he does - why is he with somebody else? He wouldn't be, would he? Anymore than you would be. People that love each other deeply don't do this. If he does come back to you then he's settling too, as much as you are.

It's very sad and a terrible reason to be together and you're wasting each other's time because there's nowhere to go with this now, is there? You're not going to miraculously become 'in love' again, you BOTH let that go and let the other go with it.

Maybe spend time on your own rather than have somebody with whom it didn't work. He can still be a good dad and you can still be a good mum. You needn't be 'together' for that, share custody and rebuild your lives with people who will actually really love you. It doesn't sound to me as if either of you 'love' each other, more like you're a comfortable pair of slippers apiece.

Charley50 · 13/01/2015 20:28

"You don't know what you've got till it's gone.."
Maybe you have realised that lust doesn't necessarily make a good relationship, and you and DH had a 'real good thing going'... Apologies for song lyrics, they seem to fit.

Charley50 · 13/01/2015 20:29

Oops I do think it needs lust as well though.

youmakemydreams · 13/01/2015 20:36

I love my exh. He is a great man, he is a great friend. There were few arguments and no bitterness. We got and and still get on day to day. We are great co parents together. But tbh he's like a brother. We were both sad when we split up. We both missed each other but it was absolutely no reason to stay married.

Liara · 13/01/2015 20:50

I think you sound pretty confident that your dh loves you, and would rather be with you than with anyone else, so you have no need to be jealous.

After all, you left him because you fancied someone else, and as soon as you decided you wanted him back he basically dumped his new partner to come back to you - what have you got to feel jealous of?

Jealousy is a measure of insecurity, not love. You can be insanely jealous of someone you are not in fact in love with (I have known a few people like this!), and you can be completely lacking in jealousy with someone you are in love with. There is absolutely no relationship between the two.

Bluetonic123 · 13/01/2015 20:59

I feel for your new partners too. I'd be gutted if dp went back to his ex.

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