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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I know there have been a lot of these threads recently, but please read this...

12 replies

ASecretQuestion · 16/10/2006 19:47

I know there have been a lot of threads about "is his cheating" but I'd really like some help. And sorry for the namechange.

Last week I logged onto the computer and my DH had left his emails on the screen. Sue me, I checked them. I found a few mails from the same girl. They seemed innocent enough, she had contacted him, she'd asked him for some help (knowing his profession) and everything seemed above board. But, looking at the last email, they didn't go to school together - they used to "Chat" with each other (before I met him) and met up. There's one email which he wrote that he was sorry he never kissed her when they'd met as he'd regretted it afterwards.

I confronted my DH who said that it was all above board, that she'd contacted him and they just email a couple of times a week. He pointed out that she's happily married with a baby (she does mention both her husband and child in the mails) and that he loves me. He says they've never met up, nor have plans to.

I'm a naturally jealous person, he knows this! We've often had big rows as I feel he's far too flirty with other women. We've been married for a year, and had been planning to start a family, but now I'm feeling really upset.

Do you think I'm right to be upset?

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 16/10/2006 19:53

No not really being flirty is no great crime. Nor is talking to a friend on an email which you shouldnt have read in any case. Leave it and leave him alone and enjoy your time together without worrying.

Pann · 16/10/2006 19:55

Nope, IMHO, but having said that, no-one can advise you on when is best to be upset!!!

Undermined? Shaky? Unsettled? Needing a heap of re-assurance?? Let him re-assure you, don't hang on to the bad feeling this has caused, and look passed your own feelings of hurt. If you don't do that, he'll never have a chance of re-assuring you of his love for you.

IMHO.

ELF1981 · 16/10/2006 19:56

I tend to agree with glitterfairy. He cant be that bothered about hiding the emails from you if he left his emails logged on.

ELF1981 · 16/10/2006 19:58

sorry my post didn't make much sense - what I meant to say was he cant be doing anything wrong as imo he would have deleted the mails / hidden them from you. Not left the page open.

hub2dee · 16/10/2006 20:06

Akshually....

I think the fact that the e-mails were up is neither here nor there... I presume they were up because he simply forgot to close the window !

I think the 'regretted kiss' line is a little out of order as it sounds like he's angling to open up a line of fond reminiscing... which if it was just reminiscing it's obviously OK, but if it is stiring the coals...

lulumama · 16/10/2006 20:13

agree with Hub2dee- to a certain extent

if he;d have followed up the regretful thing by saying 'lets make up for it now, i want to meet up and ........' then yes, go nuts and be jealous

i'm sure there are men you regret not kissing.....just so happens DH might not know about it

you have a past, he has a past....end of.

be upset, for another 10 minutes...then move on!

ASecretQuestion · 16/10/2006 20:14

It was in response to a email she had sent to him. Her last paragraph in the mail was that she'd had fun when they'd chatted, and she'd always felt a bit knocked back that nothing ever happened after that.

I dont know. I dont know why I dont trust him. He's always a bit flirty with other women, but says thats just him, and hes been like that since before we were married. She lives miles away from us and often talks about her husband and child in the mails that she has sent. And he has told her about me.

I'm just feeling a bit paranoid - it seems a lot to be emailng without wanting more in my experience.

OP posts:
hub2dee · 16/10/2006 20:26

Well, some people just like to keep in contact, and for some people flirting is just harmless fun... only you know your dh !

lulumama · 16/10/2006 20:28

why did you marry him and want to start a family if you don't trust him???!!

i honestly think you are being paranoid -- its just words in an e-mail.......you are naturally jealous, he is naturally flirty - he can't change, you can;t change..

live with each other and enjoy each other and don;t try and change him!

glitterfairy · 16/10/2006 20:28

NO I really dont think so and you should try and relax which is easier said than done I know but she brought it up adn he could just have been being polite or a bit flirty but if she lives miles away and is married with a kid he could righlty think this is safe flirting.

Honestly flirty men are far more fun in general and I bet it is part of what you love about him the fact that he is flirty. If you try and change that aspect of him (whihc you say has always been there) then that woudl be wrong imo.

sandyy · 16/10/2006 20:34

absolutely not.
Leave the poor guy alone.

You will do more harm than good by making an issue of this.
You don't own him
You don't need anyone here to tell you that you should not be reading anyone else's emails

Pann · 16/10/2006 20:37

True glitterfairy - the whole person as they are is the real deal, n'est-ce pas? I can be dreadfully flirty, but am utterly sure of where that ends, and it is just accepted that it is totally harmless.
Short of other, more worrying evidence, just take a big deep breath.

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