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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Being the "breadwinner"

25 replies

doobyscoo · 13/01/2015 10:25

Not sure what to do about my relationship, I love my OH dearly but our life together has always been a struggle.

It all stems from him not being able to get a decent job, he is mid 30's and on minimum wage, he has mild learning difficulties and will never do anything with his life (this is fine if he is happy in his job but he is not and it's slowly killing him, manual labour very hard on his body etc). He has admitted he finds simple tasks very hard and he will never train for anything as his brain doesn't understand anything complex.

By no means am I a gold-digger and I'm not materialistic at all but I'm finding it hard to see a future whereby I'm always going to be the provider and we will never be able to afford a house etc. It feels like a lot of pressure on my shoulders, (I don't even earn a lot either average London wage).

I don't know what I'm asking really, I know money doesn't make you happy and I don't want to let it control my life and relationships but inadvertently it is.

Just wondered if anyone else is in a similar predicament or any advice really?

OP posts:

Hamiltoes · 13/01/2015 10:31

I'm in the same position where I earn considerably more than DH. I knew when we got together that he was never going to be anything more than a manual worker, and that was fine.
Granted since then we have had ups and downs where he has left his job and I have started to resent him, but generally when he is working we are happy. It helps to stop looking at "my wage vs his wage" and see that as a couple your family earn £X.
I presume you work the same hours and as long as things are equal it shouldn't matter who earns what.

I understand it can be hard but I dread to think the responses you would get if you were a man earning more and resenting wife for being on minimum wage

TheWordFactory · 13/01/2015 10:35

OP I feel fir you and would hate to be in your position.

Interestingly though many women feel it is perfectly okay for men to be put in your situation and give no thought to it.

FunkyPeacock · 13/01/2015 10:36

Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker

If everything else in your relationship is good then it's seems a shame to throw it away purely on the basis that he is never going to earn more than min wage

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2015 10:45

The people who think money doesn't make you happy tend to be the ones who have plenty of it.... The rest of us know that having adequate money is important for security, a decent lifestyle and a few treats.

I personally find the idea of one partner being entirely financially dependent on another a concern - and that's regardless of gender. I think it sets up an inequality that can be too easily exploited or resented.

rb32 · 13/01/2015 10:49

If your partner wasn't working then you would have a right to complain. But he does work doesn't he? You say he's got learning difficulties, so you know he's never going to be a high flyer. But he does what he can, yes?

So if you want more money then you're going to have to earn it.

Original poster

doobyscoo · 13/01/2015 11:28

Thanks for the responses, I agree if it were a man writing this there may be a little different. I guess there will be different pressures in every relationship. Just don't like the way money seems to control everything but I guess it's the same for everyone!

OP posts:

Vivacia · 13/01/2015 11:33

Interestingly though many women feel it is perfectly okay for men to be put in your situation and give no thought to it.

What? Plenty of men have partners with learning difficulties and resent them?

OP you seem to have a fairly low regard for your partner, "he'll never do anything with his life"? Seems a fairly narrow definition of success to me.

Laquitar · 13/01/2015 12:16

Well tbh if you are in London then you are not very ambitious yourself either. If you were you could go for the big london jobs since you like money and you dont haveLD?

Is your job going to progress?

Imo in London there are non-academic jobs that earn well i.e. gardening is always in demand (i had some eye watering quotes) ditto decorating, private taxi and airport transfers. My friend lives in a posh london area and she pays 40 pounds for window cleaning! The man who does it, does 10 houses in the same street! His English is very basic.

What is the 'average' london salary that you earn? Is average around 30-35K?

Original poster

doobyscoo · 13/01/2015 12:26

No Laquitar more like 25k, maybe you're right I could be looking at furthering my earning potential too.

Vivacia maybe I didn't word it properly, I don't resent him just worry about the future is all.

OP posts:

Laquitar · 13/01/2015 12:32

Oh sorry. I thought 25 is the national average and the london one is higher.
But anyway this is not the point of the thread.Apologies.

Twinklestein · 13/01/2015 12:35

Do you want kids, would he be up for being a SAHP? Would you be happy with that?

Twinklestein · 13/01/2015 12:43

Good, reliable window cleaners are gold dust in London. We've recently moved abroad, until then we similarly lived in 'posh' area of London and were paying £80 for ours. (It's a big house). It's a good idea as you don't need training.

Gardening needs training, not suggesting the OP's partner couldn't train, but it may be expensive.

costumething · 13/01/2015 12:46

Is he a labourer in the construction industry? If so, this is not a job suitable for most people as they enter their 40s and 50s. How old is he now?
Regardless of his academic ability, there are jobs available in London for most people. If he has learning disabilities you may need to do the research for him. Could he work as a hospital porter or an industrial cleaner for example? Not high wages, but greater longevity of earning power?

divetastic · 13/01/2015 12:49

Do you clash on how money should be/is spent? For me the amount of money someone earns isn't really a deal breaker, so long as we can agree on how to spend what money we do have. Having to bail someone out constantly because they earn a pittance and are feckless gets boring very quickly.

Personally I'd much rather be with someone who earnt less but could easily live within his means than someone earning more than me that spanked it up the wall...

Vivacia · 13/01/2015 12:56

I don't resent him just worry about the future is all.

Is he earning enough to live on, or is he a drain on your (already low) income? I feel a bit sorry for your partner, because I just can't see what he's doing wrong.

Pensionerpeep · 13/01/2015 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rollonthesummer · 13/01/2015 13:06

Do you have children, OP?

Original poster

doobyscoo · 13/01/2015 13:24

No children no, he would be happy to be a SAHP should we ever have children.

Thanks for all the suggestions I'm taking them all in, I think to move to a cheaper area would be a good start then I wouldn't feel under pressure to earn x amount.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 13/01/2015 14:15

Being the breadwinner never bothered me for the first 7 years of our relationship.

To me, salary has never been a true reflection of worth to a relationship anyway.

The question of having enough to live on is something entirely different, as is the worry of your DH being physically capable of continuing in a physically demanding role.

So I don't think it unreasonable for you both to discuss his longer term plans and consider roles he'll enjoy, be capable of, will pay a steady wage.

rollonthesummer · 13/01/2015 14:16

Would you be happy being the working parent with him being the SAHP?

I really really wanted to be at home with mine when they were little and this was something we talked about before getting married/having children. DH wanted to work and I wanted to be at home so this would have been a big consideration for me.

costumething · 13/01/2015 16:55

The problem with moving to a cheaper area could be the availability of work for both of you, but especially him. Outside of the capital in many areas it is as if the recession never ended and if he has learning difficulties he may find it difficult to compete for work against the large numbers of unemployed men. Even if he gets a job before moving, jobs these days are not secure, as I know to my cost (2 redundancies in 4 years).

Hospital porter should not be too physically demanding these days as hoists etc are available to lift patients. Certainly not as bad as construction and it does have the advantage of being indoors in bad weather. I agree that gardening can be very physically demanding unless he just offers lawn mowing. Does he drive? If not I would be very wary of leaving London.

Sundayplease · 14/01/2015 08:52

I found being the main breadwinner very stressful so I understand how you feel.

Do you plan to have children? It sounds as if you would have to go back to work quickly to support the family if you did.

Could he boost his income by doing extra shifts/overnights? eg there is always a call for unskilled jobs eg security/night watchmen if you are prepared to do anti-social hours.

I would just think outside the box, don't write the man off.

FloraFlorist · 14/01/2015 09:50

I am the only real earner in our family, have been for nearly 20 years. DP has been SAHP for most of that time and works as a self employed tradesman working around the DC - term time, 9-3 etc but earning about 1/12th of my income. We share our income totally.

I find it very stressful being the sole breadwinner. I desperately wanted to be a SAHP, I missed out on a great deal with my DC. But at the time and looking back now it was probably the only workable solution for us especially as his work was much more suited to part-time, family friendly hours than mine would have been when the DC went to school.

I now face a new challenge as I approach 50, I'm facing redundancy
and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to earn enough to support DC as they finish at school and go to uni and I will have to build up a pension for me and DP.

Sometimes it's overwhelming. I understand how you feel OP.

Original poster

doobyscoo · 14/01/2015 09:59

Flora sorry to hear about your redundancy, do you have a pension?

I do have a pension but OH doesn't, I'm happy to keep working but might feel different if I had DC I don't know it's all if's and buts I suppose!

OP posts:

FloraFlorist · 14/01/2015 10:15

Dooby, I do have a pension thankfully and I will get another job. I know I have a lucky problem, in that I earn more than most but we spend more than most too.

I agree with Sunday, you don't sound materialistic, don't give up on a good relationship solely because of this. My advice would be to think long term.

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