DIY in the bedroom

[ringinginthenewyearO]

Recently we have both been under strain with work. Our relationship has always been close and healthy and very open about sex and fantasies. He loves that he can be totally open with me as he felt he never had this previously. WE have been together for 4 years.
Recently we decided to make an effort and book a meal. Change of scenery and relax and also to ignite a bit of passion.I wore a hot dress and felt great.

We had a lovely evening and although both of us felt tired we had a close and intimate evening. Not so much like we used to but I kept saying to myself we have relaxed and don't have to put expectations on our relationship.

The following morning we woke up, i tried to instigate sex but he was tired and wanted to cuddle with me instead. I felt a little shot down, but I cuddled into him. He fell asleep so i got up and showered, he woke and we chatted and I started drying my hair. I noticed he had gone quiet and turned around to find him 'enjoying himself'.
Wasn't sure what to say. A feeling of being left out of the private party came over me but i just raised an eyebrow and continued drying my hair.
On reflection though throughout the day I felt this nagging feeling. Why would he do that in front of me. Maybe he felt totally comfortable and wanted to at that time. But why didn't he instigate it earlier? He had me there and didn't and chose to enjoy himself.
Would this bother you and would you think it a reflection on your sex life and should be worried.?

Yes this would bother me. Was he doing it in a way that he hoped you'd see and join in? If he was genuinely doing it while wide awake, in plain sight of you but clearly wanting it to be a solo effort I would be really upset. Did he notice you'd seen?

Is he into porn? Maybe he likes watching you? Unusual to prefer DIY though.

Well it would bother me but for different reasons than already mentioned. Irrationally I'd feel a bit rejected despite knowing that it is perfectly fine and normal for someone to want to masturbate instead of have sex sometimes. It's especially appealing if you fancy it but don't have the energy for sex.

What's a bit annoying in this scenario is that he would surely know you might be (albeit irrationally, but I think most people would) a bit sore about it, and also potentially further sexually frustrated. It's sort of rubbing it in.

That said, why did you say anything? Did he know you could see? Is it possible he thought you might be flattered? Have you spoken to him about it since? You should.

I don't see any porn connection.

Didn't you** whoops

Why didn't you just jump him? what a waste of an erection

To answer questions:
I was looking in the mirror half way through drying my hair. Not exactly the time for me to join in.

I did feel a bit rejected on reflection but i had said to myself i got out of bed and went and got into shower. maybe if i had stayed and he might have instigated it then. who knows.

He does on occassion watch porn. I'm sure he does. we have discussed that and within reason it doesn't bother me.

I agree that there are times someone might want to masturbate without having to have sex. But I'd like to be close or certainly be party to it.

I don't think he actively was rubbing it in. I think he genuinely woke and felt turned on and thought it as normal as scratching an itch.

And I can't see how he would be turned on by me drying my hair. If i was elegantly dressing or putting on suspenders possibly.

I was a little taken aback. other times he'll pull me close and have masturbated but i would be involved. But this time it was as if i wasn't there. solo effort and i felt bothered I suppose that he was there doing it and never thought to involve me. It was almost like he had a lovely chocolate cake hidden and waited until I was busy then wolfed it down in front of me so i never got a piece of it.

Personally, I wouldn't be overly worried. I think a full and frank discussion is required though.
Perhaps he didn't want sex at first, perhaps he changed his mind, and it was his way of inviting you to join in? I don't know!

Sorry, x post

Yes it would bother me. I would feel a bit rejected and would probably try to discuss it with him.

Oh. I thought this was going to be about wallpaper. As you were.

But for the record, it is a bit of a weird thing for him to do given that you were offering it up on a plate shortly beforehand.

He didn't fancy it at first (for whatever reason, I'd call him crazy) anyway you have a nice cuddle and he falls asleep, then he wakes, feeling horny with morning wood, and does something about it.

Maybe it was him doing it as an invitation for you, maybe he was hoping to be finished before you got out of shower - you will have to ask him to find out

If you're very close and open about sex etc. I don't know why you didn't just ask him about it? It seems like the obvious thing to do.

I agree that you should speak to him about it. I do find the suggestion of "just jumping him" a bit ridiculous though: why would you be automatically whipped into a sexual frenzy by the sight of somebody cracking one off after they'd just turned you down? It wouldn't do it for me.

It might have been a clumsy attempt at kink I suppose, but I'd actually find it a bit controlling and insensitive.

I actually once did have a man who liked watching me dry my hair...maybe it is not so unusual? :)

So you had a little doze and cuddle, you instigated sex, and at that time he wasn't ready. You came back and while drying your hair, I honestly think he was showing you that he was now ready...

I just think you weren't quite on the same timetable. I reckon he wanted you to join him and assist... You should talk, ask him straight up. Good luck, it'll be fine I'm sure.

Ditto the others, he was tired so had a snooze, woke feeling ready at which point you saw but then you weren't in the mood otherwise you'd have jumped his bones!

How many of us would be happy to start enjoying ourselves in full view of our uninvolved partners? I wouldn't. I agree with OP that it's like tucking into a tasty treat with no intention of sharing.

I'd feel really rejected by this - he'd rather masturbate 10 minutes after turning me down for sex.

Are you going to talk to him OP?

How many of us would be happy to start enjoying ourselves in full view of our uninvolved partners?

Both DH and I both do, knowing it leads to more fun.

I'd be worried if either DH or I saw this as rejection or anything other than a signal.

Hmm, difficult one

Yes, I would feel rejected and my initial reaction when I read your post, was that's really disrespectful (not masturbating, but doing it after he rejected you), but then I remembered something similar happened to me, but I was on the other side. My dp initiated sex and I was so tired and made it clear I was. Then she went downstairs and suddenly, I wasn't tired anymore and became really turned on. I knew they were busy working, so ......... They didn't know, but it turns them on anyway, so I didn't feel bad about it. For me, it certainly wasn't that I preferred to sort myself out to having sex with her (I'm also a woman, if that has any relevance) it was simply that in this case, it was a slow burn. I wasn't in the mood, then I was and she wasn't there. Simple as that. If this happened a lot, I would start worrying though. I definitely understand your concerns
OP and you should definitely talk to him about it.

Should make it clear, that the only reason I would be concerned in your case OP, was because you were actually in the room.