Surviving as a couple

[Allyouneedispug]

I'll try and be as concise as possible. Sorry if it's devoid of emotion-I'm kinda done in.

Been with DH for 10 years, married for 3 (early 30s) and from day one he always knew that the likelihood of me being able to have children was slim (particularly bad endemetriosis amongst other things)

Everything was great-nice jobs, nice house, nice lives- until we started seeing our uni friends and colleagues start having babies.

DH became incredibly withdrawn and I felt so helpless; we both knew there was an elephant in the room but neither of us wanted to discuss the fact that our life we planned in our early twenties (just us,maybe a dog) was no longer a life that would make him happy. To an extent, I also felt that we needed something more. Given my medical history, I was more realistic than DH and sort of accepted that while a baby would be nice, a puppy would probably have to suffice.

So we decided to try for a baby, while in the meantime being put on the IVF list. I'm quite happy to let nature take it's course and, after 2 1/2 years, I fell pregnant naturally.

It wasn't a great time. Pregnancy didn't agree with me at all and I felt like such a failure. DH was so excited and I was just anxious all the time.

DS was born and I became severely depressed. Intervention by mental health teams, talk of secure units (thankfully it never got that far). I loved DS but just couldn't bring myself to be in the same room as him.

Things got better and I've evened out. However, I categorically know that I do not want any more children. It may sound selfish but I lost myself over those 5 years of trying/pregnancy/birth/DS's first year and I can't do it again. First, because I simply don't have the energy, but more so because I don't want to lose myself to PND again when I have DS to look after-it's not fair.

The problem is DH. He's from a huge family and wants more. He tells me growing up as an only child is cruel. However, my consultant is putting through chemical menopause for the next 3 months to see how i'd cope with a full hysterectomy (the next step for me). Obviously, this would mean no more pain for me, but no more children for DH.

He's a thoroughly good man and wouldn't hold it against me outwardly. He is so grateful for DS and says all the right things, but I know he will resent me for taking this experience away from him and DS.

How do you get around something so huge? We've had disagreements before but this isn't even really a disagreement, it's more a complete opposition in ideologies.

I don't know what to do; I suppose I could have another baby but I barely manage juggling the one I have with an extremely demanding job.

Then there's another part of me which thinks, why should I? I've not hidden anything. He is guilty of living in the land of "everything will be ok" so whilst DS was a blessing, it's fed DH ridiculously optimistic notion of "well if miracles can happen once.."

So what do I do? Either way, one of us ends up resenting the other. Are we just treading water until our inevitable split?

Gosh I'm so sorry to hear you had such an awful time with everything.

It's quite usually the other way around in a relationship - the woman wants more children, and the man doesn't. General consensus seems to be that the person who doesn't want more children 'wins' because it's unfair to bring a child into a situation where one parent doesn't really want one.

However, I would say that this is much more than a general argument over broodiness or lack of it - you've been through so much, and it would be unfair on everyone in your family, most importantly you, to go through those mental issues again.

I would suggest some counselling with your DH to talk about this specific issue - it may very well be that he doesn't feel as strongly about this as you've perceived, and that you could be making the issue worse in your head until you reach a 'make or break' situation.

Really though, your mental health needs to come above everything else.

Congratulations on getting this far and on your son.

You were always open with your DH and to be honest I think the pressure he is putting you under is really cruel, especially having seen what you have been through. I do understand the desire to have more kids (I have one and desperately wanted more) but given that you were open from day one and you have your baby son I think you should do what you know is in the best interests of your own MH.

If you WANTED another baby then maybe it would be worth talking about with medical professionals but it sounds like you don't.

Also agree counselling would be a good idea.

By the way, me and my DC are both only ones and it's not cruel. FAR crueller to bring other children into the world without 100% wanting them there!! there are tons of benefits to having just one DC, maybe your DH needs to understand some of that too.

Or if you were interested in opening a conversation could he take on the majority of parental responsibility whilst you do the breadwinning?

"Are we just treading water until our inevitable split?"

If you don't find a way to not only live with the incompatibility but also to be good-natured and kind to each other about it then yes, I think it will be very damaging. Given the trauma you describe around conception, birth and so forth most people would be delighted and grateful to have a happy partner and one healthy child rather than make their partner feel inadequate because there would not be more children.

He's really not a thoroughly good man. Growing up as an only child is not 'cruel'. However he feels on the subject, bullying is not the answer.

Mmm, I came from a big family but I myself only have one child, I just don't buy that crap about it being cruel, it isn't, if you've never had siblings, then how can you miss having them, his argument doesn't hold much clout.

Also, did he not see what you went through, can't he be happy with one child and still have you happy and not ill, sorry but I just don't see his justification for making you feel shit about something which has such a horrible and negative effect on you, surely your well being is more important than his what I would like list.

I agree with others that this is a difficult situation. The difficult situation being that your DH is being a selfish dick.

It's not that you are just saying "no more kids" because you don't fancy it - you have medical reasons why going through that again would be incredibly difficult and traumatic.

Why not ask your DH if he is saying he would be happy to see you suffer as you did last time if he meant he got another child out of it? Is your health and your life that unimportant to him?

Alternatively you do have possible compromises, even if it doesn't look like it.

There is nothing to say that you can't have another child without you having to go through that again. Why don't you consider adoption? That way you increase the size of your family, you don't have to worry about medical complications, you will have the health and capacity to look after the children?

If it's the thought of pregnancy and childbirth (and associated complications) that is putting you off, rather than you specifically don't want to have to cope with more children, then that's a good compromise.

If he says he only wants biological children then divorce him on the spot.

I don't know what to do; I suppose I could have another baby but I barely manage juggling the one I have with an extremely demanding job

Sorry for double posting, but just wanted to check something:

You have an extremely demanding job. Are you also providing the majority of child care to your child?

Because if that's the case then you need to be having a serious conversation about how he can say he wants more children when he isn't even pulling his fucking weight with the one that is already there!

Going by what you have said I don't think you want another child, not just for practical reasons but for emotional and physical health too. Your husband knows all of this and yet he still wants another

I just don't feel it's a fair thing to ask of you. You have been quite considerate so far IMO and now it's his turn. If all else is well in the relationship I can't see him going to raise a large family with someone else.

I've heard of folk being resentful and splitting when they couldn't agree on having a child or not but not when they already have one and want more.

Has he asked you numerous times to reconsider or just the once?

Thanks for the responses.

Honestly, I know he sounds as if he's pushing me one way but it's never been incredibly pressurised. A comment here, an (unfunny) joke there. He would never dare come outright and call me selfish as I'd rip him to shreds.

He's obviously happy to have me back; the PND was horrendous and, to his credit, he did his absolute best to support me. The months of tears and complete misery must have been awful for him too.

I just know him; he will never come outright and say I stole his chance for a big family, that's not his style. Instead it will manifest itself in longing looks when we see family members playing with siblings, subtle digs which will be passed off as jokes (and I'll. be told that I'm finding something in nothing) and general passive aggressive twattery.

To be fair, he does pull his weight when it comes to DS (wish I could say the same for the housework and general organisation that makes sure bills are paid).

The rub is that I simply don't want another child. End of. DH would happily consider adoption but I don't want to. I love the child I have but, and I know this will be a contentious statement, I'm just not made for motherhood. I love the bones of DS now, but had we not had him, I honestly would have had quite a contented life. I think the problem lies in the fact that DH wouldn't have been happy and probably would have upped and left for a fertile and more homely version of me.

This is selfish. It's about my wants and needs. The 8 months of maternity leave were the amongst the most awful of my life and I'm shit scared of history repeating itself and me descending into misery again. Even if we were to adopt, the thought of being at home indefinitely scares me. I'd be guilty of Making a decision that I'm not 100% behind because I want to keep DH; how could anyone do that to a child?

I'm all over the place. I think I just have to accept that if his bottom line is more children then he won't be in my life for too much longer.

It's shit.

I recommend asking him outright if he understands that for medical reasons you will be undergoing the menopause and therefore there will be no more children. And then ask him how he feels about it. From what you've said, this is you projecting onto him. Maybe he will look longingly at a big family, I look at big houses longingly, doesn't mean I don't love my flat or that I'm not happy and want to move. You've said he was really supportive through what sounds like horrendous PND, thats a good man you have there, so talk to him. If he is disappointed he has the right to feel like that, a relationship is all about compromise and sometimes forcing jigsaw pieces into places they weren't meant for.

And I dont think it is selfish to want to avoid the risk of PND, there are excellent reasons for doing it, your son being a good example.

Dh sounds very selfish. You sound very sensible. Ds will be fine.

Sorry OP you keep insisting you are being selfish, which actually makes it look like you just want to constantly please him, put yourself first here, your physical and mental state was given a real bashing, no wonder you don't want to do it again, who would.

I bet if your OH had to go through the pregnancy, give birth and all the crap you endured during and after, he's have a completely different attitude. Sorry but he's looking the selfish one here, you don't at all. So sad reading posts from women who are calling themselves selfish or not good enough for men who are asking the impossible, put yourself first, love yourself first, everyone else comes 2nd to that!

Your body, your mind, your decision.

Having one child is not cruel. I've got a sibling and we speak maybe twice a year.