introducing new partners or short term partners to very young children.

[Jamesdaddy13]

Hi all mums
I wonder if you can help me...... I'm separated from my partner and get to see my son once a week I don't get overnight access because his mum said it won't be good for him until after he's 2 years old. She has got her new boyfriend coming in and out of his life and moves in for short periods of time. It's not that she has a new boyfriend or anything like that, I would be happy for her. But is there any study on long term relationship and a short term ones. is this not a bad thing for our son....... or is it just me.

I've been looking at some research I was just wondering if anyone could point me in the right direction. I love my son very much and don't wanna do anything that's going to hurt him but I haven't found anyone that has said its a good idea for me to have him overnight yet. He Is now coming up to 18 months any very balanced I have him one days a week. I just feel that mum is doing this just to hurt me more. The study she has found show it's detrimental to his mental health are for Australian and a few others..... All i want to do is spend the maximum amount of time i can with our son............ So I suppose why I'm asking does anyone have any studies or info on long term relationship and a short term and introducing new partners or short term partners to very young children.
I do understand everyone's entitled to a happy life. I just want to be able to produce some info to her.

Not sure if I'm aloud to ask you ladies as I'm a dad

Thank you

Was this agreed between you or did you have a court order?

Were you married? Do you have parent responsibility?

My guess is - agreed/not married/no parental responsibility.

I would see a lawyer.

Already been to court got some extra access. so she use it in court so I don't get the overnight till March..... not married ...... and she walked out with him at 6M old...... She wants to take out some back to her home county as well. I think its slightly double standard when she can do one thing and I can't do it. And then say it's in his best interests. Going back to court at the end of this month and then again in February just like to have as much information as I can

If you only get to see your child once a week I would suspect that a very close bond hasn't formed yet, so having him overnight when he's so young might not necessarily be a good idea. He's only 18 months old after all.

As to introducing very young children to new partners: it's a very risky thing to do. For a start, she barely knows this person, he could be anybody with God knows what motives. The other thing is that kids form their own emotional attachments, and to have some stranger come into their life and then disappear never to be seen again can be very damaging. Not that any parent will want to hear that when they are living the life they think they want and deserve. I don't think it's wise to introduce any partners to children at all until both parties are utterly convinced that they're in it for the long-term.

As to her taking the child to her home country: she's the one with all the responsibility so she gets to make the decisions. You're just on the side-lines as an interested observer. It might be different if you had been married.

You will have legal parental responsibility for your child if you were named on his birth certificate.
Just enjoy the time you have with your son and let the bond grow deeper between you. Hopefully in time you will get overnight contact with him.
I think children need protecting from being exposed to their parents new partners unless they are long term established partners.
Most very young children are very attached to their mothers and, as you have limited contact with him, it might be a bit traumatic at the moment for him to be away from his mum all night.

Hi thanks guys little bit of background information. The bond with our son and I is very close. When we refer separated I would bath and feed him I'm putting to bed every night. It only stops in June after internet which is mum and I. I was then seen him 3 to 4 times a week. It was in a 4 month period. Where I was only allowed to see him once a week. I think been to court and now got more access. 2 to 3 times a week. Days consist of picking him up at 7 o'clock in the morning and drop him back at 6 o'clock in the evening. I also get some half days with him...... We do lots of activities together including swimming. So I would think from my point of view our bond is very very close. I was just wondering if there was any information on if using short term partners into a relationship with a child. My feeling about the overnight axis is a bit double standard..... I know mum's may see it slightly different from that dad. But thank you for your advice

Commonsense says that it is bad to let children form emotional attachments to lots of parental figures who subsequently disappear out of their lives. However, an 18mo baby will not differentiate yet between men, women, friends, acquaintances, partners, neighbours etc. He will know Mum and Dad and various other people he meets regularly like grandparents. Casual 'uncles' that come and go probably won't register.... yet.

I think this is something you have to discuss, parent to parent, with your ex rather than trying to find some kind of study that proves your point of view. It is always a balance and, to a certain extent, you have to trust each other's judgement. Your ex and yourself should be able to enjoy adult relationships but, at the same time, your DS should never be put at risk of harm, mental or physical. If you have genuine concerns on that score, go in hard. Otherwise, operate on the basis that you both love your son.

I would suggest to her that, to give her time to herself, you propose overnight and weekend stays for your DS. Persist.

BTW.... do you ever just sit and talk to your ex, parent to parent, or is the reason for going to court that communications have completely broken down and a reasonable face to face discussion is no possible?

I agree that we all have have out own adult relationship. The court awarded me to overnight access but ex partner push for it to be 3 months on from now. Is not necessarily I want to do overnight xx what I wanted was to be able to spend more time that's why i had to go to court. I also thought it would be the best way for us to expand our relationship ie my son and i.
It's just is this something she doesn't like with me she will give me a study to prove the point. I do think she is a great mum I also think i'm not a bad dad. Since the court case for the extra access our relationship has been very amicable agreeable and friendly. I believe I was to confront her then this may change. She was complaining that his nighttime routine has changed it is not going to bed and doing the things we used to do which just could be him growing up. Ask me questions if I've done anything different in his written during the day. I think problem leave it may be closer to home with new partner coming in and out and obviously their relationship been very physical....... I only know this because of her neighbours do I still get on quite well with. It's very hard as a dad to have input or any kind of say in his life.
But thank you all for your replies.
I am only trying to do the Best Buy everyone

If your relationship is such that you need a court to decide access, you are probably not in the best position to co parent effectively. I would suggest the best for everyone, would be spending your energy repairing your parental relationship with your ex.
I also agree that young dc should not have regular over nights away from their primary career. I know this is hard for nrp of babies but do believe it is in the dc best interest. My relationship broke down when my dc was 6 months. I didn't alow overnights until dc was a little over 2. This then increased to 2 nights and shortly will include my dc going on holiday with dad as dc is old enough. This has worked really well for our DC, less so for both parents. As it felt like an age before I started to get a night off! And dad missed his DC. But in the grand scheme of childhood they are only babies for a very small amount of time.
Also it is possible that her boyfriends only visit when your DC is asleep or are introduced as friends. I don't think this is unsettling for a baby, they meet new people all the time.

" I believe I was to confront her then this may change."

With the court being involved already, the adversarial atmosphere has been set. Just because she waves studies at you, there is no need to respond in kind. What's needed here is cooperation and openness. If you want input in your son's life it does you no favours getting your information from neighbours snooping on what's happening. She should feel able to trust you with the information that she has a new partner and clearly she doesn't.

If your relationship is now more amicable, agreeable and friendly, then take advantage of that... not to confront.... but to have a mature, constructive, general conversation about 'moving on', new partners and ask her how she thinks it's best to manage that with the best interests of your son in mind. Because you're going to meet someone one day and you'll have the exact same dilemma.

Take an intelligent approach

Thank you ladies. I will take your advice onboard and try and put it into practice. I also thank you for taking the time to talk with me