DH and I are getting divorced.......I think

[Farmacy]

DH and I have been married for 20 years (together for 22). We have been struggling to get on for a long, long time. We can hardly converse without disagreeing. This weekend some things were said (again) that you really just cant come back from because they speak volumes about how he feels about me. Today, after another disagreement, he has said we must go and see an attorney and split. I am devastated. I know we dont agree, etc but I just always felt that it was for life and that a bolt would come and make it all right or we would find a way forward. How do I accept it? I feel physically ill. I think he actually hates me!

This is not the first time he has threatened divorce but I think this time it really is the end

I'm only 27, never been married, have no experience of a relationship longer than 3years (current relationship) so I probably have no right to give my opinion..
But..
If your husband is saying hateful things to you and making you feel bad then maybe you are better off separating.. even if he doesn't actually hate you he's still saying hateful mean things which shows a lack of respect and care for you.. to be married for 20 years you at least deserve respect and kindness! The basics! If he can't be nice to you then accept he's turned into someone that you can't be with anymore because I'm sure this is making you miserable. . Don't be scared to be alone after 22 years, you will be fine and probably end up meeting someone who treats you a lot better than he is right now. It will be his loss not yours.
Sending you a big hug.

I've been here, it's a shock because although you knew things weren't great you assumed they'd get better or it was a 'bad patch' - although yours seems quite a long bad patch. You are probably both unhappy and so this is good, as you couldn't have / or shouldn't have continued as you were. However, you can now agree that you work at it, or if he won't/ refuses, you are in the position of having to try to accept this (and I say try, I still struggle to accept it 5 months on). It's not clear from your post whether this is just a threat or the real deal.

If it is a genuine decision, all you can do is take it day by day and look at yourself and what you want. Look hard at why you were unhappy, his and your behaviour. Don't blame yourself, it takes two to make a marriage. But work on getting yourself happy. He will either see this which might help, or if it doesn't you have started the journey to feeling better (even though it doesn't feel like that now).

One thing I have learned to my cost is don't worry about how long it takes. There is an urge to solve problems, force their hand, make then realise the consequences of their actions, but after 22 years, you should take some time for both of you to reflect on your marriage, and talk it through.

Good luck and I hope it works out for the best - whatever that might be.

"How do I accept it? I feel physically ill. I think he actually hates me!"

I don't think you are going to accept it until you start to take some control. Currently - and I don't mean to cause offence - you sound incredibly passive, tolerating increasingly acrimonious behaviour for 'a long, long time', and thinking this is all normal and par for the course. He sounds very passive aggressive. The type that hopes if it gets bad enough, you'll end it and save them the bother.

You were waiting for a bolt so here it is. Bolt delivered. If you don't take control now, get legal advice and start seriously thinking about life without him, then the risk is that you will simply be swept along against your wishes and unceremoniously dumped having no say in your own future whatsoever.

So I'm sorry it's come to this but I would urge you to take his words on face value, get advice, get support, start making plans for independence.... assert yourself rather than waiting for this man to dictate things.