Really not sure about my relationship anymore, is it just convienience?

[WKDStepz]

As the title says really, I'm starting to question my marriage and whether or not we should be together. Not been married long, just over a year but I had doubts before we married. Stupidly I just assumed things would improve. Firstly he comes across as quite controlling which my mind has touched on before but never really accepted. We both work full time, he earns £10k more a year than I do my I'm on a decent wage too. All our finances are pooled so it all goes into one pot, bills come out of the same pot and whatever is left just gets spent on whatever we want really - thing is he always seems to have the final say on what we do with money. Like holidays etc, it's always up to him when we go, how much we spend, what we do and how much we save. I tend to have very little say and if I push it, it just causes an argument so I've started to just leave it.

Secondly he babies his 20 year old son to the point where others suffer as a result - a recent example being that said son was screaming and screeching down a microphone in his room on saturday night at gone midnight - I had to be up at 5.30 and DH refused to tell him off saying I was being unreasonable. I ended up getting to sleep at 2am and had to be up for work again 3 hours later. No apology the next day - no mention of it at all in fact.

Another thing is I feel I'm restricted on what I'm allowed to talk about. The subject of his son is definitely off the cards, I can't talk about money and a few other things I find myself avoiding conversations about because he just dominates them and causes a row if he doesn't want to discuss them.

Finally, if someone else has done his head in (his son, his mum or someone at work) he'll take it out on me. Like when his mum moved into her new house and kept asking him to do stuff - he kept agreeing and volunteering and then he'd come home and go mad at me because I asked him to do something simple and he decided he was "sick of running around after everyone". So his frustrations with his mother got directed at me. Same thing happened last night - he came in saying that his mum had asked him to do something and would I go and help him. This reminded me that we'd not been to see my grandma yet as promised since Christmas so I said "yes but that reminds me, we still havn't been to see my grandma ... " well he went mental saying I was "having a go" at him about something that was out of his control and his mum was on her own and I was being unreasonable to cause an argument about it!!??

You know when you start to fantasize about being single again?

I could have full control over my own money
I could talk about whatever the hell I wanted to talk about (not sure who with like!)
I could have a dog (something he's ruled out)
I wouldn't have to put up with his son

I'd be free .... but lonely :-(

So you are living that old axiom: act in haste, repent at leisure?

What do you want to do, really?

Have one nuclear level row, air everything and see what the fall out really is?

Keep on kow towing, treading on eggshells and putting up with a 20 year old and his dad outlining how your days and nights will pan out?

Or are you just at the end of your tether for now and in need of a safe place to rant and get it out of your system?

I am sure someone here can help you work your way through any/all of these and other scenarios.

I think you're lonely now within this marriage.

I do not think you would be so much lonely if you were to separate as free actually. You also had serious doubts about him before marriage as well.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

It sounds like you already know what you want and no one could blame you. Not telling his son to be quiet at that time of night would have made me hit the roof.
How easy would it be for you to separate? Loneliness is not a reason to stay in a shit marriage, I think you're probably more lonely in it seeing as though you can't speak to whoever you want, has he isolated you from your friends and family?
And yes, he sounds very controlling, definitely financially and probably in other ways too.
Things are not going to change if you stay, undoubtably they will get worse, do you still want to be like this in a year or more?
You only get one life and only you can decide if you want to continue on like this or not.
If you do decide to end it then make sure you get copies of all important paperwork beforehand. Best of luck

You might be lonely at first but you would be able to meet new people, take up new activities, it wouldn't have to last long. And the freedom you would feel would keep you happy for quite some time.

You only get one life, it's foolish to waste your days with someone who makes you unhappy. You never get this time back, do you.

I think being with the wrong person who ignores your needs and prioritises their own is actually more lonely than being alone.

At least if you were single then you'd get to spend your money on what you like and see your grandma when you choose.

And who's to say you wouldn't meet someone nicer?

I'd get out asap.

I agree with Twinklestein ..... it's a hell of a lot more lonely to be in a bad, unhappy* relationship than it is to be literally on your own. I've been there - albeit, I was a single mum for many years, but I had no adult company or support. It wasn't always easy and yes, sometimes I did very much feel 'alone' but for me that was far more about the practical, whereas being emotionally^ alone with a so-called partner (and often that can also mean a lack of practical support as well) is hellish.

When you're literally on your own you can - in theory - make things happen. You can take up opportunities without considering someone else. When you're alone in an unhappy relationship you are far more trapped because many decent people, even if they're terribly unhappy, would still try to consider their partner before making decisions - and, as in your case where you're scared to raise certain subjects, that can mean an awful lot of eggshell walking and resulting resentment with is dreadfully bad for your mental health.

Having read your other thread on the step board, I'd ask you OP, hand on heart, do you ever see this man being prepared to listen to you properly and take on board your feelings ? From all you've written it doesn't sound as if he's the sort who'd ever have a mature and fair conversation with you - his tack seems to be to shout you down or bring up pointless (and untrue) counter-accusations whenever you try to talk about something he doesn't like.

TBH, I'd cut my losses and set the wheels in motion for a separation. You'll probably feel like a ton weight has been lifted from you and your kids will benefit too from not having to witness regular favouritism towards his supposedly 'adult' son. He can then indulge the brat as much as he likes and you'll no longer have to care about it or be affected by it.

Thanks for the messages x

I am unhappy with him. I know I am. Sometimes I see a glimpse of hope when we start talking about a great idea for a holiday or plans for the house or something but it comes crashing down whenever I think of his DS, the possibility that he might ask to live with us one day and I'd have no say on it (that would actually finish me off), the way we argue everytime I try and have a say on something, the way he seems to resent my kids (which I suppose works both ways as I've started to resent his) - his constant "victim" mentality ...

I don't even know if I love him anymore :-(

I think you've answered your own question really when you say you're not even sure you love him.

As for lonely - I think I could put up with that if it meant being able to sleep and not being controlled. A 20-year-old screaming into a microphone in the middle of the night and his father not telling him to put a sock in it when other people are trying to sleep? I'd have left already.

I think just write it off as a mistake and leave.

FFS get out of there and file for divorce. I imagine someone must have convinced you, at some point, that a woman without a male owner is a freak or a failure - or you have previous history of being bullied and abused. Because this man is a selfish cock who doesn't like women in general and doesn't see them as fully human: this shitty marriage will get worse, not better. There is nothing you can do to convince him that you are a person rather than some sort of fuckable cross between a pet and a servant.

Leave before you become pregnant - then it'll be more difficult to sever ties with him. He sounds vile.

You've answered your own question. You are not happy. You think about being single.

Being 'lonely' is not the same as being 'alone'. you can be lonely in a crowd. Likewise, you can be lonely in a relationship (as you are finding out). BUT being alone doe not equal lonely - you may be alone, on your own, but you don't have to tiptoe round anyone, you can do as you like, when you like without arguing/answering to anyone else. You can be your own boss.

It's great.

"if I push it, it just causes an argument so I've started to just leave it."
This is one huge undulating RED FLAG.

OP, I've read your other threads that you started today. They all positively scream the same thing to me - get out, and get out NOW. If you won't do it for yourself do it for your boys before his treatment of the three of you fucks with their heads. In fact, I'd be well surprised if the damage hasn't already started. Please, stop inflicting this arsewipe on your boys, and get out before he grinds you down even more. You've already started to accept his crap rather than argue - can you see how fucked up that is?

Alone is not the same as lonely. Seriously, how lonely did you feel in your bed that night, with SS acting like a weirdo next door and H downstairs doing fuck all ?

Get out. ASAP.

Yep, get out. You won't be lonely. You'll feel at ease. Then you'll find someone else who actually makes you happy and treats you nicely.