I don't want to a pressurising creep

[WadeInDeceasedPit]

Hello All, I need help. I've got myself into a situation that is self perpetuating and I don't know how to break the cycle.

I have little to no self confidence (a hang up from a previous relationship that I am receiving help for) and it has led to issues with our sex life.

There have been a couple of occasions where I have not performed well and I can't seem to get them out of my head. Every time I try to initiate sex with my DP, I instantly think I'll be rubbish and will disappoint her, which ultimately leads to me disappointing her or, more recently, leads to me not initiating at all.

I have talked to my DP about all of this and she is very understanding and very reassuring, yet I can't seem to shake the self fulfilling fear of failure.

My DP is missing the intimacy, as am I, but she is finding it difficult to believe that I still want her and find her attractive. It's really getting her down making her feel unattractive.

With a very young family and me currently on AD, I don't know how get back to where we both want to be.

How do I overcome my fears? How do I show DP that she is very much wanted without coming across as insincere or pushy/pressuring (something which I very much don't want to be)? How do I fix the sex life I broke?

It's going to hinge on you not seeing sex as a 'performance'.... i.e. one person putting on a show for others. You can show your DP that she is wanted and appreciated by holding her hand, speaking kindly, paying compliments, giving her a kiss, being thoughtful and attentive, cuddling .... Those are all ways to be loving and intimate and that's what I suggest you do - and tell her why - until your confidence returns. Not sex.

Yes, definitely stop treating sexual relationships as a 'performance'.

Show lots of love and affection and give each other a massage...do not assume that every sign of affection should lead to sex. In fact concentrate on just affection and no sex.

Some AD's are well known for killing your sex drive. Mixed in with young Children I am not surprised things are difficult.

Sorry, the term 'performance' may have been a bit misleading. I don't see sex as me performing for DP. I was just being a bit bashful about not being able to maintain an erection.

We are still close with cuddles and kisses, hand holding, expressing that we love each other, being playful. But, with sex off the cards, DP doesn't feel desired. I very much desire her, but my own hang ups don't let me show her. This has been going on for a couple of months now and I want to move past it, but I'm not sure I know how.

Absolutely stop seeing sex in terms of performance. It's not about racing to make each other climax, sex can still be great without climaxing at all and lots of women can't climax through PIV sex alone anyway.

Can you talk about what each other likes and guide each other during the act, to ensure both of you are getting enjoyment out of it. If your partner guides you during sex, try not to see it as a criticism, it isn't likely to be.

Sex should be fun and not taken too seriously.

Sorry x post. Have you discussed this with your GP?

"But, with sex off the cards, DP doesn't feel desired"

I realised that by 'performance' you meant erectile problems but the point stands. There are other ways to have a mutually sexually enjoyable experience that don't involve an erect penis. Are the pair of you prepared to be more creative and spontaneous?

Problems maintaining an erection can be indicative of other serious physical problems. And even some minor problems can make it hard to hold an erection. So get to a doctor.

Apart form that - agree with others that there are many ways to have a fulfilling sex life other than with an erect penis, but telling you that won't make your partner believe you desire her if she thinks the only thing that indicates male desire is an erect penis. I don't know how you change her mind about that other than to ensure sex is good for her anyway, talk to her about it, get her to do some reading and possibly look at sexual counselling together.

Just realised that 'the point stands' looks like a terrible pun....

The reason you are having these anxieties is because you (like so many other people) see sex as being something that you can only do if you have a hard dick.

It isn't. Stop making sex all about your penis.

Sorry to sound brutal, but it really is that simple. Think about all the other things you could do together that don't involve your erection, and do those.

Are you sure that she means sex when she says she misses intimacy?

Having small children, being on ADs, all these things can knock your sex drive on the head.

Have you tried initiating other things that don't actually involve intercourse? Do you compliment her? Notice if she makes an effort?

If you've got small dcs she's probably still carrying extra baby weight. Her lack of confidence may be her own issues rather than caused by any problems you feel you have.

Could it be a basic miscommunication where she says she wants sex and intimacy, not specifically meaning PIV, but all you hear is that she wants PIV, and because you feel you can't do that, you pull away from other physical intimacies in case she thinks you want PIV. So instead of doing something else and feeling close (which is what she's wanting) you're pulling away so you don't disappoint her.

Which leaves you both feeling rubbish.

I probably should have added, give yourself a break on the ED front. Don't give your depression another stick to beat you with. Take the pressure off, it'll be ok :)

That's a very good point from FuckyouChrisandthathorse