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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Seperated but thinking about living together (again)

14 replies

lucyatgmail · 11/01/2015 20:43

Me and my Husband separated a few years ago, he moved out but left me in the Family home to look after our children - we felt that they needed some stability and we tossed to see who went!. He's a good father who sees his kids half the time and cares for them deeply.
We split after our marriage failed - fault on both sides.
I'm single, but he has a girlfriend he sees, she (divorced) has a family so they fit their relationship around each of their family commitments.
We do still have some financial ties (mainly the house), but all in all we have managed fairly well and our kids have survived the split.

Recently our financial situations have changed and we are both struggling (to put it mildly).

To cut to the chase, we are thinking about sharing the family house - it has the space - and continuing to co-parent under the same roof. In the main it makes sense, we know there will be problems, but feel that we can manage it - especially given the support of a counsellor (we used to guide us through the separation) and our friends and family.

What to do? I think we can manage it, I think the kids would welcome it - especially as we're about to hit a few years of exams (o/a levels) and moving them between different places is a bit tiring.

As I said, my ex has a girlfriend - he would still see her once a week and, while he is very much my ex, that may irritate me.

This is my first post - it'd be good to get some insight.

Thanks,
lx

OP posts:
Bluetonic123 · 11/01/2015 20:52

I think your exes girlfriend would have a lot more reason to be irritated by you tham you have to be irritated by her in this situation.

Will your children think it means you're getting back together? They will probably hope even if you tell them this isn't the case.

HearMyRoar · 11/01/2015 21:00

You say your ex would see his girlfriend once a week and that may irritate you. What if he wanted to see her more then that as their relationship develops?

Is there a chance this arrangement would result in confusion for your children and false hope that you will ask be a happy family again?

I knew someone in my teens whose parents were separated but lived in the same house. It was difficult for him and to be honest I think it was a relief to him when his mum moved out and everyone could just move on. I dont think it did him any actual harm but I wouldn't assume that it would result in happier children. Sometimes a think a clean, consistent break is easier.

Lweji · 11/01/2015 21:02

Would you be comfortable if you wanted to start dating?
Wouldn't it become too confusing for the children?
How about his girlfriend? I'm sure nobody would feel comfortable if she went to your house.
Are you even divorced?

I really wouldn't.

lucyatgmail · 11/01/2015 21:12

It seems like a solution to a parlous financial situation. I do worry about what the kids would think - they have surfaced after the separation and would have to readjust again. However the alternative is to sell up and leave the area - not particularly easy for them either.

We do have a separation agreement, but no divorce - just not got round to it. My lawyer sees may couples remaining together after a separation - mainly due to financial pressure - but in this case we would be taking a step back.....

Why is life so hard.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 11/01/2015 22:35

What sort of financial problems? Can you rent a room out to help with your problems? Do either of you wish to be back together?

catrin · 11/01/2015 22:43

Unless you absolutely have no way round it, I really wouldn't.

My X moved back in (lost job, couldn't run his own place) and it has been hellish. He has a gf who I know comes round when I am not here and that drives me insane. He does not contribute to cleaning/cooking/washing etc. He borrows my car when he chooses. He goes on holiday with the gf, but I cannot afford to take my (our!) dd.

Dd has been fine about it - she barely sees him as he is always off out and if anything it has served to damage their relationship and reduce her respect for him as a parent.

Plus, he is an ex for a reason and the days where he has pissed me off are now magnified and it makes for a v stressful living environment. I can't have my friends round for a wine/rant type evening as he will waltz in at some point and I am constantly on edge.

So, in a nutshell! really, really, really think hard about it. It is bloody awful.

lucyatgmail · 11/01/2015 22:54

he sounds like a complete prat! Kick him out! :)

We're both sad it ended, but see no reason to go back - we've moved on.

The GF isn't going to be coming round, as it is they have their relationship when either sets of kids are not around.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 12/01/2015 09:46

I personally would because i can't see how this would be best for your kids.

Joysmum · 12/01/2015 09:46

Wouldn't!

TeeBee · 13/01/2015 12:36

Oh God no, I couldn't do that. I would just worry about the impact on the children and your own sanity. All the reasons you split up will still be there. Can you rent a room out or take on a student, or do paid student exchange, or look at other ways to earn extra money. This really would be a very, very last resort with me. But your situation may be different from mine.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 13/01/2015 12:39

This has 'one big fucking disaster' written all over it, I can see absolutely no benefits to this other than, you say, financial.

Just don't

Jan45 · 13/01/2015 13:48

Sounds a totally bad idea, not for the right reasons either, you are both individual now from each other so there's no point leaning on each other financially, you both need to sort out your finances as separate people. How confusing for your kids, and what happens next year or whenever when he either gets serious with g/f or you meet someone.

You'd both be in limbo, and for what, a few quid saved.

Also wouldn't you lose benefits and tax credits if you are back as a couple.

Sorry but it just sounds daft, I'd be looking for anything but doing this.

Twinklestein · 13/01/2015 14:47

It can work for some people. I have friends who spilt but continue to live in the same house with their kids. They both have partners. But then, neither one ever moved out.

I would be concerned that you might set this up the one or other may decide it doesn't work, cue more disruption for the kids.

Twinklestein · 13/01/2015 14:48

^ then not the

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