He never wants sex/intimacy

[Sloegin2]

Hi,

This has been a long-term issue, but every now and then it rears its ugly head. This time it's caused massive issues and I am so unhappy.

We've been together 15 years, married for 12, have 2 children. He stays at home, I work full time (we have a disabled child, he is the carer). From the beginning, his sex drive has been low. It's caused issues every now and then - he generally forgets any form of intimacy unless i instigate it and a lot of the time if I instigated Sex he would push me away, tap my hand away!, tell me no or just ignore me completely. this has gradually eroded my self confidence and I couldn't feel less attractive or unwanted.

We haven't had sex since September and in that time I've made no effort to come onto him. He hasn't suggested he has missed it nor has he made any efforts to even be close to me. Over the past year, I've gradually withdrawn and not wanted sex anymore myself, until eventually it's just stopped and the thought of having sex with him is unthinkable.

Since October, I've felt I have just had enough. He's at home all day, yet does very little without my constant reminders. I'm working 40-50 hours a week then coming home and having to sort out bills, tidy the house, wash all the clothes, sort out Ds various hospital appointments, ensure homework is done etc etc. Ds attends special school during the day so there is time for DH to do at least some of these jobs. I'm not suggesting for one minute he works all day every day but some washing up once in a while would be lovely. He doesn't even care for his health, his teeth are in desperate need of dental treatment and he refuses to attend appointments, in addition he currently has a bad chest infection (chronic asthma) but refuses to see the gp. He is not a baby, I shouldn't have to make these appts and take him to ensure he attends! In short, I feel I'm cracking up, im exhausted, I literally can't cope anymore.

Yet without him I don't know what would happen with my son, who requires a full time carer. I feel trapped, we have talked, I've told him how I feel, he seems to think I am being unreasonable. I am so bloody unhappy :-(

Sorry you're so unhappy. Also sorry that you feel so trapped. There must be ways around the obstacle of care for your son. You shouldn't have to stay married to someone for them to carry on caring for their own child. There must be other couples who break up and still manage to make co-parenting a child with extra needs work.

Is he depressed? That could explain the low sex drive, lack of self-care etc. Would he be prepared to see a Dr?

This must be really tough on you.
It is a real possibility that DH could be suffering with something like; depression, low testosterone levels or lack of vitamin D. I think you need to be really firm with him now and tell him how much this affecting your marriage and if he doesn't start to at least try to sort out his problems then the marriage is over.

Has he always been like this, including the poor personal hygiene and lack of effort around the house? If so, then maybe he's just a selfish, lazy loser. (And yes, if he has always been indifferent to you and everything else, it does raise the question of why you married him in the first place, but that's probably another discussion). On the other hand, if he's previously been a good father and partner apart from the low libido, he could be depressed. Is your DS' disability one which means your H is stuck in the house with the child all day? (You don't have to give details.) Being a carer for someone who isn't capable of much interaction can be very isolating, which can lead to depression.
It is worth doing some research into whether you (as a family) are getting all the help availaible to care for your DS, and how much more help there would be if you and your H did separate. Once you have this information, it might be easier to decide what you want to do.

Surely one of the reasons he doesn't want sex must be his physical health? Not that it excuses anything - he can make steps to change this if he wanted to. Sounds like it's a bit more than just the sex though?

If you've made no effort to have sex either then it's a two way issue surely? If from the start he has had a lower sex drive then I expect it has always been you instigating in the past?

Having to stay in your marriage , just to have a full time carer for your child, with a man that does not love you, must be soul destroying for you. Hopefully others will come up with ideas to help you with this dilemma.

Sex isn't compulsory, even within marriage.

Are you friendly and supportive to one another? Does your relationship exist outside of the needs of your disabled child?

Sex is not compulsory, but it is very important to some people. Anyone who has no interest in sex with his/her official partner should either end the relationship or allow the partner to seek sex with other people.

SolidGoldBrass i disagree. If the marriage/partnership no longer meets your needs then end it. It isn't up to you to end it because it's not meeting your spouse/ partner's needs.

The sex issue is just the tip of the iceberg.

If your DS is at school then what does your DH do all day? How is he your DS's carer?

What's his excuse for not doing anything around the house?