Can sex ever be truly equal?

[Backonthehorse]

Between men and women?

I'm ready to start dating again, after keeping my distance from relationships for a while. All the relationships I have had with men have been BDSM, where I was the submissive half. I don't want this anymore. The sex was intense and at times extremely gratifying, but now the idea of it makes me feel sick. The men weren't bad men, just average twats, and some did love me in a dysfunctional way that I would now not accept, but they did things that I now see were abusive, and I often was not giving free consent.

I now more than anything want my sexual relationships to be equal, and respectful - without even roleplaying at a lack of respect for me, if that makes sense. I would like to meet somebody special someday, but don't believe I must be in love to have sex, just that they would be somebody I consider a friend, who I like and respect.

I am ashamed to say I have no idea what sex would be like in this type of dynamic. I have never experienced it before, I have no previous experience of it, and my parents had a pretty vile relationship so I didn't grow up seeing a template of a healthy adult relationship. I can't help but worry in case I find it lacklustre and dull, in case I miss the intensity of roughness and extreme sensation.

But you can have passion and urgency and amazing sex while still being equals? Without sacrificing respect? I try to think of great love scenes in Hollywood movies between people who obviously care deeply about each other...but then of course that's not what real sex is like either.

Help.

I know that some people can have no-strings sexual relationships, so I'm not generalising. But I find that sexual relationships, as relationships with potential partners, are much more intimate than friendships, because you open up emotionally and so become vulnerable.

I think therapy is a very good idea, and you should continue exploring all this in therapy (I did). And if it doesn't feel right to you, don't (and no need to beat yourself up about experimenting or not liking something any more. People (hopefully) evolve and grow over time).

Op, the vast majority of men are very keen on blow jobs. But I don't know more than one or maybe two who would ask again after you said something like "I'm sorry, but I can't/rather not. Really Bad experiences, abusive partner".

And those one or two are abusive twats themselves. It would be an effective way of seeing what they are really like!

Practically (long term) you can be a lot more in control and equal in a bj situation if you 69 with you on top.

I was going to ask about your childhood, but you've covered that.

I don't think ignoring men necessarily would work, it sounds as if you need to heal your experiences with men. And part of that may be fostering positive, safe friendships with nice guys.

Therapy is great but progress very slow. I have intense trauma reactions to a few specific situations I was in, so reluctant to dig it all up in a therapy session and then have no trained support for days/weeks after that to help me cope. I've been there and it was sheer hell.

Healing my relationship with men is a good way of putting it, that's exactly what I want to do. I have some lovely male friends I trust very much, and have no problem with male doctors in general (although I do find myself asking for women for gynaecology related things these days, but I think that's ok).

I hadn't thought of the blowjob on top during 69 possibility. That actually sounds like it might be fun with the right man as it is nothing like the pattern of what used to happen with the bj-on-demand ex

It can be if both partners are sexually compatible, mine changes a lot. I can go from having 2 orgasms in 10 minutes, to having a longer session of half an hour and having 16 orgasms, or having none at all - its hard when you don't have the privacy. I have kinks and I am into BDSM but with no privacy to practice, so he gets his orgasms and I don't, sometimes. this weekend being the best example. we had sex 4 times and I only came close once - doesn't mean I don't enjoy vanilla sex or anything, just annoying because I want him to be rougher but we cant iyswim. it's annoying. so at the moment no, our sex life isn't as satisfying as it could be - but what can ya do when you live at home???

I agree that BDSM should only be played out in a loving relationship or with someone you're in a long-term sexual relationship with and you trust them implicitly. If it crosses the line into abuse then it should be ended immediately. I'm glad you can see what you experienced as abuse. I can play both roles but I enjoy being submissive a lot more but I could only do it with someone I knew had my best interests at heart. I enjoyed having sex whilst being tied up and once I wore a blindfold as well. This was with a boyfriend who I loved and who said he loved me. Turns out he'd filmed the whole thing on his phone and obviously with wearing a blindfold I wasn't in a position to say no because I couldn't see what he was doing. I'm pretty sure he knew I would have said no as I'd said no to sending him naked pictures before so he probably knew this was an ideal opportunity to do it and thought I'd never find out. This isn't as bad as what you've been through I know but I felt very betrayed that he could do that. I was in a very vulnerable position and yes I'm submissive but letting someone have sex with me whilst being blindfolded and tied up is a big deal to me, to me it showed I really loved him because I trusted him not to abuse my vulnerability. I was so disappointed in him and I will think twice before ever wearing a blindfold again. Which is sad because wearing a blindfold isn't a particularly kinky thing to do and loads of people do it yet it will take me a long, long time to be comfortable with it again. And I do feel angry that he's ruined that for me. So it's completely understandable that you're not comfortable with certain things.

I also have vaginismus, I've been celibate for several months now but it was improving. Have you ever had investigations for it? I haven't and I do worry that if I ever have a new sexual partner how I will explain this to them. Of course, there are some physical causes but I think a lot of it is psychological so I know that I will probably tense up which will make it worse. It was very hard with my last ex at the start because my muscles would push him out and I didn't have any control over it so it was a struggle for him to even get in. It did get better, I'm not entirely sure how, I think I just relaxed more before as soon as his dick came anywhere near me I'd start to panic and think it was going to hurt so it was vicious circle. Even so, it felt sore sometimes in certain positions so he would change.

I think you need to get to know someone over a period of time so you can trust them. And sex can absolutely be equal, I have quite a lot of weird fantasies but one of my favourite things is plain old missionary. I like the intimacy of it, and being able to hold their hand and look in their eyes at the same time, I'm a bit of a sap really. You'd probably be more comfortable going on top and that can be as intimate and lovely as well. If you think about it having sex, especially with someone you love, is quite a vulnerable thing to do and the trust element was always very important to me. I hope you're able to find someone you can really trust and I think the key for you is working on being able to find out who the decent men are and reject the horrible ones, which isn't always easy.