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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it ever ok.....

39 replies

NoMoreForMeSir · 11/01/2015 14:48

To leave a relationship because you are no longer in love? I have NC for this btw. There are dc involved and so I am really struggling with making a decision on whether to leave the relationship. I know I am no longer in love with my partner, they still love me however and will be devastated.

We have different views and goals in life and there is no compromising (partner is very set in their ways and will not discuss anything they don't want to do) and I am finding this very difficult to live with.

There have been ups and downs that we have survived, but I am now feeling totally trapped. Partner is a wonderful person, but just not the person for me, however, I keep thinking I should stay for the dc. The relationship could rub along ok if I stayed and dc and partner would be very happy and who am I to ruin so many lives? So is it ever ok to leave because you are no longer in love?

Sorry for lack of specifics, don't want to out myself.

OP posts:

dalekanium · 11/01/2015 14:49

Yes

It is ok to leave for whatever reason you want

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 11/01/2015 14:52

You don't need a justifiable reason to end a relationship. other than to yourself.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 11/01/2015 14:55

I did it and we have not been punished yet.

Ex dh happily remarried, me happily remarried... I can't recommend it enough.

Original poster

NoMoreForMeSir · 11/01/2015 14:58

I'm afraid the dc will resent me when they are older for breaking up our family. 1 dc is not my partner's and I am also worried I will be judged for failing at another relationship, but I want to be on my own so I can breathe.

OP posts:

dinkerton · 11/01/2015 14:59

Read your post and the first thing I thought was - are you my partner?!
My partner feels the same and it is going to be the end of us very soon unfortunately. I love them completely and am so very hurt but deep down I know I wouldn't want someone who didn't love me. So don't use their likely hurt as a reason - living a lie is worse for everyone.

P.s. I am seriously wondering whether you are my partner! But not sure they would call me a wonderful person.

Original poster

NoMoreForMeSir · 11/01/2015 15:05

Um, I don't think so Dinkerton. I have not spoken to my partner or anyone in RL about this.

OP posts:

HearMyRoar · 11/01/2015 15:05

Yes, I think it is a very good reason to leave and far kinder then staying tbh. Your husband deserves a chance to be with someone who loves him and your DC deserve to have happy parents. Staying with someone you don't love just ends up with a house full of miserable people.

Original poster

NoMoreForMeSir · 11/01/2015 15:09

I also honestly think my partner would be much happier with someone else, I haven't been the best partner whilst we have been together and that eats at me too. But I am just so very sad and sorry about it all.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 11/01/2015 15:10

its the best reason

Original poster

NoMoreForMeSir · 11/01/2015 15:11

Many thanks for all your answers btw, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 11/01/2015 15:20

It's fine. Give yourself permission.

Have you talked to your partner about this? Would you consider giving it another go? Counselling?

Original poster

NoMoreForMeSir · 11/01/2015 15:37

There is a back story that I would need to give to answer those questions properly Vivacia but that would completely expose me. I have no-one to talk to and it's so frustrating not being able to give full details on here.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 11/01/2015 16:19

You don't need to go in to it here, but I do think you need to be clear in your own head in case it's something he asks for.

Original poster

NoMoreForMeSir · 11/01/2015 16:55

I am clear about how I feel, but I was just worried that not being in love isn't enough of a reason to leave. I want my partner and dc to be happy, but I need to be happy as well and I'm really not. It just seems that to make myself feel better, other people have to suffer and I feel terrible about that.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 11/01/2015 17:00

You say one DC is not your partner's, so the child is yours? Will you take this child with you?

elliepac · 11/01/2015 17:05

It is perfectly ok. I did the exact thing you are contemplating 7 months ago after years of trying to make a go of it for the reasons you listed (dc's involved, upsetting dh, fear of the unknown etc). I can categorically say it was the best decision i could have made and I far happier for it. Stbxh is a good man, a good father and a good friend. I just fell out of love with him. We grew up together (18 when met) and we grew apart. You both deserve to be happy. Your dc's will adapt. Mine have. There is no acrimony and ds has even commented that i seem happier.

Trills · 11/01/2015 17:06

The only reason you need to leave a relationship is believing that you would prefer to not be in that relationship.

When your children are older would you advise them to stay in an unhappy relationship? No. So demonstrate to them that that's not the right thing to do.

It's more important in the long term to demonstrate a healthy attitude to relationships, than to pretend that everything is OK.

elliepac · 11/01/2015 17:09

And I second what trills has said. I also realised that staying for the sake of the children was not modelling a good relationship. It was not teaching them how to be happy. Quite the opposite.

Original poster

NoMoreForMeSir · 11/01/2015 17:11

Yes line, the dc are mine.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoMoreForMeSir · 11/01/2015 17:12

I would like them to stay with me yes. But I would be very flexible with access.

OP posts:

Millli · 11/01/2015 17:23

You can do whatever you like but relationships go through many periods of time when you may not feel happy and that all your needs are being met. I guess not feeling in love anymore is the bottom line though. Do you think if he knew how truly unhappy you were and he was willing to put the work and effort into creating a new relationship that you could fall in love with him again? What about some time apart to give you and him space to think?

OrangesJuicyOranges · 11/01/2015 17:24

You can leave because they've got a weird eyebrow hair if you like.

Original poster

NoMoreForMeSir · 11/01/2015 17:47

To be honest Milli, I think we are just fundamentally different. And also I think my partner has been a much better person throughout the relationship than I have as I have made a few rather huge mistakes, so asking him to work on things I think would not sit well with him.

I am a good person, but I have been uncharacteristically shit at times in this relationship and having worked through why I acted the way I did has led me to where I am now.

I don't want my partner to feel that end of this relationship is any fault of their's, but ultimately i feel we would both be happier apart.

OP posts:

Millli · 11/01/2015 20:12

Sorry NoMoreFor, you sound in a bad place with all this

Original poster

NoMoreForMeSir · 11/01/2015 20:21

I am, but much of it is my fault. However, I do know that I have taken responsibility for my mistakes and never, ever tried to make my partner feel any of it was their fault. I am feeling much better about myself than I was and I am trying to look to the future with a clear head and do what is best for all of us.

Thank you all very much for your answers, everything has been very helpful to me.

OP posts:

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