Have namechanged in case DP recognises me.
About a year ago I was in a very unhappy relationship of 3 years, he was fairly controlling and I felt like shit. We'd not had sex in over a year, which considering we lived together and hadn't been together all that long, was a big thing. He finally admitted that since I put on weight (I ballooned after I started taking antidepressants, although was trying to lose it again) he didn't find me physically attractive. After a few weeks I decided that this on top of everything else was too much. I was at work when I came to this realisation and decided that I would split up with him when I got home. Feeling very nervous, I stupidly thought it best to go for a drink first and ended up going to the pub with a colleague from the kitchens. We've always got on well, there's always been a spark, and when I was telling him about what was going on he was horrified on my behalf, we had a few more to drink, he was very lovely, one thing led to another and instead of going home and splitting up with XP, I ended up going home with this colleague and cheating on my XP.
Absolutely mortified, I told XP straight away the next day, we ended up splitting up. Ever since I have fallen so hard for this colleague. He tells me he's so ashamed with himself not respecting my relationship and is really sorry for being the one I cheated with. He has also told me that if it wasn't for the work element, and me being a bit full-on immediately after the breakup, he would have given us a try.
I only see him once a week at work and in the last year thought I had moved on and got over it. I have a new partner (also through work, so aware of the situation before), who is so sweet and lovely, and I love him to bits. But the past few weeks I've found myself thinking about my colleague again. I spent my entire shift yesterday with him, and we get on so well. He was having a celebratory party at his house last night and invited me and DP along. I suggested it to him and and said I'd like to go. He became very passive-aggressive and told me that he knows I still have feelings for colleague and that he won't be in a relationship in which he doesn't feel respected. Which is completely fair enough. But I meant it would be nice to go to see colleague and the other people there, to have a night out doing something different, not because I wanted to try to get with the host.
I do love my partner. But I have intense feelings for this other man and whenever I think I'm over him something happens and I realise I'm not. I also know that my colleague is warming to the idea of us but obviously respects other people's relationships and won't go there- even I know that as much as I like him, if we did ever somehow end up in a relationship it wouldn't last, we're not compatible in that way, as nice as the idea seems. So why am I already having this emotional affair with him? Why can't I just love my DP and let that be that instead of thinking about this other guy all the time? What do I do to salvage this situation? DP has gone to work and after arguing last night, we are going to talk about how to move forward when he gets home. I'm not sure I want to move forward, it seems pointless if I want someone else, even if I do love DP.