Is three to many?

[stevie74]

Where to start...? My partner & I haven't got on really since he found out I was pregnant with DD1. She is now 27 mths old & we have a DD2 just turned a year 2 wks ago. He resents me for having the kids & not aborting, but says he loves them dearly & wouldn't be without them. He's slowly getting better and making an effort with the kids, is not shouting at them constantly and is minding his language etc but he still treats me like poop.
I think my family have given up on me as they've been on at me to kick him out for over a year now, but I feel it would be unfair on the children, they should have a dad in their lives. I'm optimistic things will change but they never do. He's not physically abusive, just doesn't take any responsibility; financially or otherwise and doesn't help out around the house. He thinks that washing 3 bottles makes my life easier!! I work mon-thursday 8-4, am absolutley knackered come friday and would love a little help and a nice homely atmosphere to come home to. I know the arguing etc is hurting the kids but sometimes it's hard to just bite my tongue, especially when he belittles my work etc. I'm up earlier then he is, commuting and work take over 12 hrs a day and then i'm mom - to make matters worse I've just found out i'm pregnant, approx 7wks. Needless to say this didn't go down very well at all. He says I should abort as he stood by me when he didn't want children TWICE and now it's his choice. I know everythings against us and having another baby isn't right but why should a child lose it's life cos it's dad couldn't take responsibility? He was willing to dive in so to speak, even though he knew he would have to take precautions as i'm not on any contraceptive yet he refused as wanted that feeling!! Now it's my fault. I'm so frustrated, with him as I know he can be a better person and me for putting up with him for so long. Does it get better? Can you have a happy relationship and kids? My daughters are angels and I love them dearly but would adding a third child just put too much pressure on all of us? I don't know what to do or where to turn for help. I can't talk to my family as they are all anti-abortion and i've pretty much lost contact with all my friends since becoming a mom. Help

Yes you can have children and be happy. Me and dh are happy and I am pregnant with our 3rd child. Do not abort if that isn't what you want. He made that baby too and it isn't your sole responsibility to use conttaception. If he didn't want any more children he shouldn't have sex without a condom. To be honest I wouldn't let someone treat me like that and it will affect the children seeing their mum spoken to like that and treated badly by their father. He needs to accept that the baby is just as much his responsibility as yours.

I would sit down and talk seriously with him and tell him that unless there are some changes that you want to separate, it's not doing you or your children any good staying with a man like that.

This baby wasn't planned but I don't agree with abortion so that was never an option. We both very much want this baby though and although it took dh some getting used to he really wants this baby too.

So your daughters are growing up seeing there Mum being belittled, trodden down at every opportunity, and doing all the work?! What a bloody great example to set them.
No wonder you'r family have given up, just reading your post made me wonder why you are with this guy?!

Yes, it would be nice if your DD's had a Dad in their lifes, but FGS, let it be a Dad who sets a good example. .. Remember, they are going to grow up and go looking for a man to love them one day, all with the blue print of what their Dad was like (or hopefully maybe not)

As for the abortion, it is your choice not his, I don't care who says you should have one. You are the one who will grow and nourish the baby, and by the sounds of it, you will be the one that does everything there after for it aswell.
If it doesn't suit him tell him to sod off. Be strong, get out and find a decent man who will love you and look after you like you deserve.

stevie74

Why have you put up with this for so long, this is an emotionally abusive relationship you are in here. You to him are his housekeeper; you do all the chores and he does nothing to help. He is an immature manchild.

I presume as well that you wanted with all your heart to make this work for the childrens' sake as well as your own. That may be a reason as well why you have stuck with him for so long.

What was your initial reaction when your family advised you to kick him out?.

You are also with someone who takes absolutely no responsibility for contraception and is acting towards you like a bully and coward. If he did not want children then protection should have been used.

You may well want a "Dad" in your childrens' lives but he is setting them no good example at all. They see you being treated with contempt. It may come to pass that your children end up with partners just like him because they are learning from you both. Damaging lessons are being imparted here. What are you yourself teaching them?

Don't hang in there in the hopes that it will somehow get better because it won't. He will not change.

Better to walk alone than to be badly accompanied.

never let anyone treat you the way he does

never let your children see you being treated that way - they will learn to as well and as others have said they will settle for that when they are older too and its just plain crap.

and fgs, he has equal responsibility in moral term for all 3 babies, but he doesnt seem to have any morals, so in actual fact YOU have responsibility for your body and any babies which get made in there. only you can decide whether you keep this one or not, but once you are not pregnant again (be it in a few weeks or nine months) dont let him have unprotected sex with you if you dont want a baby!

and for gods sake, LEAVE him. hes a git and he wont change. if he hasnt by now, he is not going to. your family will prob be supportive once hes gone. could you really be any worse off than now without him?

I know financially I would be better off without him, I earn double his salary p/t so money's not an issue. Mentally I would be happier. I've asked him to leae many times but he refuses, say's he won't leave his girls unless it's in a wooden box. I've tried to reason with him, set ultimatums etc and it's better for a few weeks then it all reverts. He changes everything round so that i'm to blame and at times I feel like i've gone mad and maybe it is me. I don't want the waltons but close would be good. I feel like i'm a crap mom for keeping him around but even when asked he won't leave... Me & the girls can be having a great day, as soon as he comes home it's all topsy turvy. He blames his past for the way he is as he was abused by his father but says he doesn't need help. I made this a condition of his moving with me to a new apartment so he got councelling, went once and didnt reattend, of course by which stage he'd moved in and now wont leave. i dont see why I should walk out of the home, i know its rented and in my name but its the home i've tried to make for me and the girls. God i'm pathetic - I could make excuses for him all day not that he needs help there, he's great with excuses!
Thanks for all the comments. I know I can do better, I just don't know how to make it right and how to make him go

Are you saying he doesn't even do any paid work???

Make whatever decision YOU want about the baby - you BOTH took equal (lack of )responsibility for the pg - that's by the by - the fact is that you should now decide whether or not YOU want a third baby. (and it isn't your family's business, either)

I can't see how he is going to improve his act with a third baby he doesn't want, so I think you should make your decision based on life as a single mum. But do stop acting as HIS mum, too - it just isn't fair on the kids to divide time and energy that could go to them looking after your over-grown cuckoo in the nest!

And maybe you could count on your family for more help (however many children you have) if you have kicked him out?

He does work, is just low paid. Although saying thathe decided to take a year off as at 26 he'd worked hard for 3 years and needed a rest so I got lumbered with all the bills etc whilst he sat on his backside. So far i've sold my home and am on the brink of bankrupcy but am managing to keep it together ( for how long I don't know) It just gets worse really. Yes he is an irresponsible bully, but he wasn't, which is I guess why I keep hoping he'l change. Although he keeps saying the person he was is dead and i'm lumbered with this other, not very nice person. Having a third baby wouldn't bother me at all, hence why i'm not on contraceptive pill. Having any kids is a blessing as I was told in UK and Canada I would never have kids. I'm a good mom, especially when i'm not stressed out by him and I know i'd cope as I do the majority alone now anyway. I just don't get why he can't see past what he wanted as his life and deal with what he's got, which is a damn site more impressive than what he was actually after!

stevie74,

"I know financially I would be better off without him"
Reason one for him to leave

"I earn double his salary p/t so money's not an issue".
Good. He is still financially responsible for his children though, you may need to seek legal advice on that issue as well.

"Mentally I would be happier".
Second good reason for him to leave.

"I've asked him to leave many times but he refuses, say's he won't leave his girls unless it's in a wooden box".
Emotional blackmail towards you using them as a weapon. You need legal advice and fast.

"I've tried to reason with him, set ultimatums etc and it's better for a few weeks then it all reverts".
The problem with ultimatums (and I think you have given him an ulitimatum more than once) is that you must follow it through fully. He has seen that you have not done this properly and any further ultimatum you therefore give is laughed at. He knows you are too weak to stand up to him. He has done a fine job of pulling you down with him.

"He changes everything round so that i'm to blame and at times I feel like i've gone mad and maybe it is me".
He is very good at manipulating and blaming you, it is not you at all. Its his way of assuaging his own guilt. He has the issues and they are his to deal with. You cannot yourself rescue him and save him from his demons.

"I don't want the waltons but close would be good".
You will not get that with him at all, he will just cause you more emotional anguish. Don't hang in there in the forlorn hopes he'll somehow change for the better.

"I feel like i'm a crap mom for keeping him around but even when asked he won't leave..."
Get legal advice, make him see that you are deadly serious and that you have had enough.

"Me & the girls can be having a great day, as soon as he comes home it's all topsy turvy".
I'm not surprised at all to see that it goes pear shaped when he comes home him acting the way he does with your good self.

"He blames his past for the way he is as he was abused by his father but says he doesn't need help".
Yet another excuse. He's wrong there, he does need counselling and to also stick with it but you cannot help him realise this. Only he can. You cannot save someone who ultimately does not want to be saved. For your sake and your childrens' you must act. They cannot ignore what is happening around them at home.

"I made this a condition of his moving with me to a new apartment so he got councelling, went once and didnt reattend, of course by which stage he'd moved in and now wont leave. i dont see why I should walk out of the home, i know its rented and in my name but its the home i've tried to make for me and the girls".
He broke one of the conditions you set. A mistake you made here was to obligate him go there for your own self. He needed to go for his own self, no -one else. The tenancy is in your sole name, action here can be taken.

"God i'm pathetic - I could make excuses for him all day not that he needs help there, he's great with excuses!"
Such troubled people are great at making excuses, you do not need to make further excuses for him. You are not pathetic at all - you just need to find a way out of this mess and it will get more messy for you and your children the longer you stay. I cannot imagine he will make it easy for you to get shot of him, he will make things awkward for you at every opportunity.

"Thanks for all the comments. I know I can do better"
Correct!!!

"I just don't know how to make it right and how to make him go"
See above suggestions.

"Although saying thathe decided to take a year off as at 26 he'd worked hard for 3 years and needed a rest"

Needed a rest did he, lazy workshy so and so!!. And you do not!!.

What on earth possessed you to take someone like him on?. You cannot act as someone;s rescuer (I think you have tried desperately to rescue him) or saviour in a relationship - it simply does not work. It is said you cannot help whom you fall in love with but you ignored any warning signs before he moved in with you.

You desperately need to sort out your finances - being bankrupt even in these more enlightened days will be bad for you. You will not even be able to have a bank account.

He cannot or will not deal with his problems. You cannot keep enabling him, this is what you are doing currently.

Can you not give notice on the place you are in now, rent something else and move in without him?

He is a lazy f*uckwit and you do not deserve this.

On the pregnancy side of things, you must do as you feel is best for you and your girls.

The place i'm in now is a keyworker living apartment so I get reduced rent. I know i'd get housing benefit so not worried on that score, but don't have any savings left for a deposit on new pad.

If I was reading this about someone else I'd be mad but on their behalf but I just feel weary of it all now.
We met when he was in the military, both living in canada and had a real blast. We were the walton's minus the kids! Then our DD1 came along but we'd already bought a house together and made a commitment when things changed. Now he lets me see the old "him" when it suits, or should that be when he needs to keep me sweet. I just want the old "him" back and for our children to see this person, not the loser he became. He's even said he don't like himself anymore, but he won't change because that would admit he's wrong. He's always fighting the system and that means me too

Stevie, after everything you've told us I agree with the other posters that he is a lazy, selfish, waste of space bully.

As you say, he wasn't always like that and that, I think, is why you're reluctant to make the break because you yearn for the man you once knew to come back, which isn't an unnatural thing to feel, especially when you have children and you want them to have a full time dad.

But look at the facts here ...... he's been this "other" character for some years now, we're not talking about occasional "moods" but about being permanently taken for granted, and belittled, and bullied, and leeched off ("fancied a rest"). People do change - it's not always clear why they do, but they do - it's quite possible that the man you once knew no longer exists, and never will again. You suggest the change has come about as the result of the children ...... you may be right, but they're not going to go away are they, and now there's a 3rd to consider too.

From all you've said, you get nothing from this relationship. You're doing all the giving and he's doing all the taking. How dare he make demands of you about your body when the selfish (and ignorant) tw*t had sex without a condom. Doesn't he know how babies are made ? ..... does he think that abortion is a form of contraception ? Jeez.

But as Kama said, I think you need to try and look at the pregnancy and relationship issues seperately. I suspect your relationship might become worse if you stay with him and have another baby, but if you want this baby, you know that you are fully capable of looking after yourself and your children on your own, and I bet despite all the strains of a new baby, you would still feel as if a huge weight had been lifted from your shoulders.

I know it's easy for us to say "leave" as we're not there but despite you having made clear (by the sounds of it) several times that his attitude stinks he isn't committed to sorting out any of the issues. He does enough to get back into your good books, then reverts as soon as he feels "safe" to do so again. You can't carry on like this ....... dare I say I think he is using you, or else by now he would have made a concerted effort to repair your relationship and wouldn't have given up on counselling after one session. Looks like that was nothing but lip service so he could get into the new apartment. I think - sorry to be blunt - that he has an easy life right now ........ can "rest" when he fancies, can do sod all around the house, can get his end off without taking any responsibility and has a nice lifestyle courtesy of his higher earning partner.

You really do deserve better than that - and so do your kids. Just because you're apart, it doesn't mean that they wouldn't be able to see him. The alternative is them growing up thinking it's ok to treat you like sh*t and take, take, take.

Agree with mumatuks why do you let a man treat you like this, would you like your children treated like this too? You have admitted that he does nothing for you why stay with him?

If you are unhappy your kids are unhappy too.

Its your baby too if you feel that you can deal with 3 small kids then do not let this bully force you into an abortion. Its your body((HUGS))

Keep the baby. Congratulations. In some ways that's lovely news. I much preferred three to two, even though I wasn't getting on with their father. I'd never regret having them.

Get rid of the man if you think he won't improve.
If you were in the UK (not sure you are) you could have him leave the home if you were to separate assuming you would care for the children and you would not be advised to move out and lose possession of where you are living in most cases.
People tend not to change so you have to decide if it's tolerable as it is (sounds not). I waited too long to divorce and should have done it sooner. I am assuming you're living together but not married.

i think attilla's list made perfect sense

if my DH turned around and asked for a year off .....god help him

having kids is a lifetime responsibility - he wanted you to have abortions previously, but holds the children up as emotional blackmail........unbelievable

you are a hard working, devoted mother, determined to do the best for your kids,, he is dragging you down..he is your 3rd child already!

if he refuses to work hard, support you and the family and pressures you to abort...ask yourself.

do you want 4 kids?

i'd get rid of him, not the baby.....IMO